Zaudika's Ramblings and Ravings

Another Day

2012-01-22T09:58:00.000-06:00

It's morning, the day is about to begin, and I have a couple minutes to write.

Sean was up early this morning and I slept in a bit, he's now taking a mid-morning nap on the couch downstairs. It's 9:40am and we're going to his parents for a late breakfast at 10:30am.

Our plans are to have breakfast, go see Bailee for awhile (yep, still own Bailee, our horse!), and then come home a relax. We'll probably play some Rift, watch a movie, and just chill. Rift is an online game, called an MMO, that we play together. It's a fun little way to pass the time and do something we both enjoy.

Its Sunday an we're used to usually get Andrew back today, Sean's teenage son, my stepson. :) We switched the schedule up a bit though so we'll actually be getting him back on Friday. It's really only been a couple days since we've seen him, as we dropped him off at his Mom's on Friday, but I guess the norm of usually seeing him Sunday afternoon/evening has me thinking about him and missing him a bit. Drew is 16 years old, almost 17, eek!.. and I absolutely love and adore him. He has the fairly typical frustrating teenager atributes and can be both rebelious and rude at times, but he is overall such a good young man. He's polite, helpful, kind, and loving. He has a passion for animals that reminds me much of myself when I was his age. I think he enjoys being with animals more than people at times - also a reminder of myself. :) When Sean and I are busy doing something and he's at home, it never fails that he'll stop by and ask if we need anything or if he can help out. I remember when I first met him that I thought this was almost an odd attritube and wondered if there was more behind it, but there really isn't, Drew just loves to be helpful and involved. It's one of the many things I love about him. We go grocery shopping together sometimes, just the two of us, and I always enjoy it. If I'm held up at the deli, he runs to get other things on the list. He stays by my side and always wants to push the cart. Best of all, numerous times I've seen him stop in an aisle and offer to help someone older, or a bit shorter, reach something, pick up something heavy to put in a cart, or help in another way. Andrew will do great things because he has one of the biggest hearts I know.

We have 50/50 custody of Drew with his Mom. She lives a few miles away from us and we switch off every Friday. The custody situation has switched around a few times in Drew's life and I give him credit for adapting through what has been a tough situation at times. 2 years ago when we moved from the Tampa area up to Pensacola, we had full custody in order to keep Drew in the Gulf Breeze School District when his Mom lived in Pensacola with her boyfriend. This last summer, Crystal, his Mom, moved to Gulf Breeze as well and we all agreed to switch the situation to 1 week there and 1 week here. There we concerns on if this would work out, but overall it seems to go very well and smooth.

It's almost 10am and time to get ready to go, Sean's parents live about 15 minutes from us, so we'll need to head out soon.

A year and some odd months.. what happened to 2011?

2012-01-09T17:09:00.000-06:00

2011 came and went and I wrote nothing .................... oops. I guess all the times in 2009 and 2010 that I said I wanted to write more didn't really happen.

Truth be told I've been looking at my blog for the last 2 weeks trying to get up the motivation to write. There's a whole lot that happens when you don't write for about 18 months and there's really no way to cover it all.

A few things that have been happening / changing:

- Sean and I got married November 5, 2011, it was a beautiful wedding. The weather was perfect, we had a great time, it was wonderful to see many of our friends in family. I'll cover more details on this later.

- Sean and I both are working new jobs.
Sean is working for Hixardt as a Network Engineer and I couldn't be more proud of him. He was really worried throughout the interview process and wanted the job so badly. He of course breezed through the process with flying colors. It's a great company with tons of room for advancement. They're excited and very encouraging when it comes to furthering Sean's education so he can move up quickly within the company. Other than when I worked at SunLife, I've never seen a company so proactive in wanting to further there employees education and watch them advance.
I'm working for a company called Healthstat, Inc, who's newest client is BCBS of Florida. I work in the BCBS of Florida medical clinic as a Receptionist. I hope to advance into other things for either Healthstat, Inc or BCBS of Florida within the next year as well. It's been an exciting opportunity as the medical clinic is one of the first of it's kind. BCBS of Florida as an insurance company, is moving forward with opening several medical clinics where there 'insured' will be seen exclusively as patients of physicians that work for BCBS. It's really a great plan. Ideally it will eliminate a large amount of the confusion that can come up with patients when dealing with medical billing, referrals, procedures, and physicians. It allows for everything to be handled and managed within the same company / spectrum.

-My sister in the middle moved to Walla Walla, WA from Tucson, AZ, and had her second baby.
Another boy, named Wesley, and he's beautiful in every way. Sadly I've only gotten to see him via webcam so far. I'm hoping that a time will become available soon that I can go spend a few days with them in WA.

-Sean and I decided that we wanted to have a child of our own and start a family.
This comes with some sad news. Sean and I started trying immediately for a child after we got married. On December 16th it was confirmed that I was pregnant and we were thrilled. On December 17th, we told my family and his family the news. Everyone was of course very excited. On December 20th while at work I started to bleed and cramp heavily. On December 23rd, the information that we already knew, was officially confirmed that I had miscarried. The reason I say it was "confirmed" on this date is because you have to wait a few days to see if your hormone levels drop enough for a pregnancy test to reflect 'negative'.
To say that we were devasted is an understatement. We had a few days that were very difficult emotionally. I cried a lot. Sean was quiet and withdrawn. We were there for each other in silence as neither of us really knew what to say or how to talk about it. We cuddled, watched movies, and just stayed close to each other. We've since come to a fairly peaceful place. We know that there could've possibly been something wrong with the baby, in which case it would've been better that we lost him or her, and we know that while horrible, these things do happen. We know that we'll eventually try again, though for a short time we're going to wait.

-I'm currently off my anti-depressant medication
I mention this as it's recently started to become a real problem and challenge. I don't think I've ever even mentioned prior in my blog that I took an anti-depressant, but I have for a large portion of my life.
I started taking Celexa for my anxiety and depression when I was around 18 years old. I've gone off it a few times since then and quite honestly, within a few months, its always become a problem for me and I end up back on it. A long time ago I had to come to terms with the fact that I have some form of medical imbalance that makes this form of a medication a need for me. However, on that note, it doesn't make it easy for me to know that it's a need. Quite frankly, I hate it. Loathe it.
A few years ago a psychiatrist that I saw told me that the world does not judge those who have diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, and other illnesses that require medication; and that I shouldn't judge myself any more than I would those people. She had a point. A very valid point. I'm aware that it's societies standards and view points that have created the mindset that if you take medication an emotional medical problem, then you're extremely 'screwed up'. The problem may be emotional in nature, but guess what world, there are now tests that prove that it's a *physical* imbalance in the body that creates the problem. Now if only that little fact could make me feel completely better about having to take the medication.
Anyhow, as said above, it's started to become a problem that I'm not longer taking the medication. It's been about 8 weeks, and I'm struggling with more anxiety, mood swings, depression, and an overall inability to handle small daily life problems. I came off the medication because Sean and I wanted to try to have a baby and I simply refuse, no matter how small the risk, to stay on it while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.
Now, I can add that there have been additional problems in the last 4-6 weeks that could be contributing to the problem. The miscarriage, obviously, and other problems that I've chosen not to write about here that Sean and I have been working through. However, that being said, I know my body, and know my mind, and realize that this last week I've been feeling much more out of control --- and there isn't anything major and stressful that has happened or occurred in the last couple of weeks.
Yesterday I lost control of my emotions to a severe degree. I'm very grateful to Sean, my dear husband, for his support and love. It was by far the worst that he's ever seen me at in the almost 3 years that we've known each other. As soon as I got to a place that I was able to communicate through broken words and tears what was happening he sat with me, held me, comforted me, stroked my hair, rocked my gently, and soothed me with words of reassurance as I cried from the depth of my soul. This morning he called after leaving for work to check on me and see how I was feeling and offered words of encouragement and understanding when I explained how it had been hard for me to get up and going.
Depression comes in many forms and degrees, and the degree that I have is caused by a physical imbalance, one that I do need medication to maintain. For now until we start trying to have a baby again, we decided it would be best for me to discuss with my doctor starting to take my medication again.
I do want to add that this afternoon / evening I am feeling quite a bit better than I did yesterday and this morning. I went to work, came home and got some cleaning done, and plan to start dinner in just a few moments.

I'm setting a goal to at minimum try and write at least once a month this year. We'll see how it goes. :)

ENGAGED!!!!!!!

2010-07-21T10:32:00.005-05:00

It's been a few days since the big announcement, but the "Title" says it all in truth... I'm engaged!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm so so happy. Joyful and truly, fully, completely filled with happiness. It's a wonderful feeling.

My ring... my gorgeous, beautiful ring is outstanding. It's platinum and it has a marquis center diamond that is just under 3/4 of a carat. On the sides are 3 round diamonds that also total about 3/4 of a carat. I have 1.5 carats of DIAMONDS on my finger!!!! OMG! hehehe. Ok that's the giddy silly bouncy self typing.

I've of course attached a picture off the the right. :)

And of course... I must share all of the details of the night of the engagement...

We all (Sean, his Mom, his Dad, and his Grandfather) went out as a family to a place called Vic and Ike's (http://vic-and-ikes.com/), it's a new, very classy and modern restaurant downtown. We'd been talking about going for a couple of weeks once Sean's Grandfather was in town; little did I know that everyone knew of the additional plans at the restaurant other than me. :)

We arrived around 6:30pm and had an absolutely outstanding dinner which included a carpaccio of Angus Beef for an appetizer, delicious crab bisque for a starter, and a wonderful scallop dish for me. We sat at a round table together, Sean to my left, my soon to be father-in-law to my right, with my soon to be mother-in-law across the round from me. The restaurant is filled with black and white photographs of John Wayne, Frank Sinatra, and other classic legends. Frank Sinatra plays quietly and romantically over the speakers through-out the restaurant.

We had brought mother's camera with us which I thought nothing of, we've been taking pictures the entire time that grandpa has been here.

Through-out the evening there were probably a couple of hints that had I known what was happening could've clued me in, but I was totally oblivious. Sean's hands were clammy after bringing his Grandfather to the restroom; little did I know this was right before his planned time for the proposal. Additionally he seemed very fidgety and on edge at some points through-out dinner, in fact at one point I touched his hand and asked if he was alright as he seemed on edge.

The time for dessert came, and everyone had been very insistent through dinner that we all save room as their desserts were outstanding as well. I ordered a peach cheesecake and the others ordered a crazy-insane chocolaty dessert. The desserts came out about 15 minutes later and our waiter went around setting them down on the table, coming to Sean and I last. After setting down our desserts I could feel our waiters presence behind me still and I remember wondering what he was doing, thinking it was odd he was still standing there. ........

He then sat another platter down on the table, one that had a dark green box in the center of it. Sean's mom had pulled out her camera and started taking pictures. My face in the first picture says it fairly well. I was completely confused. haha. I looked at Sean's Mom, then his Dad, then back at Sean as he picked up the box from the platter and suddenly it dawned on me what was happening. The rest is almost a surreal blur. Sean got down on one knee in front of my chair and opened the box and said simply and beautifully, "I thought now would be a good time to ask, will you marry me?". I think I uttered, "oh my gosh....oh my gosh" as few times and I again looked to Sean's mom, grandfather, and dad, almost as if questioning if this was really happening. I then turned back to Sean and yelled, "of course!" and gave him a huge hug. He slipped my gorgeous ring onto my finger and everyone in the restaurant started to clap. As the clapping continued I held Sean's face in my hands and kissed him long and gentle. I was stunned, in awe, and so unbelievably happy.

Sean told me a few minutes later that I had scared him for a moment because I wasn't saying anything! hahaha. This pause was of course only due to my stunned state over what was happening. :) I've known for months that I would say "Yes" or in this case "Of course!" if and when Sean asked me for my hand in marriage.

A moment later I said that I absolutely had to call my Mom and apologized for being rude at the table. It was then that Sean told me that she already knew. He had called her a few days previous and asked for her permission to marry me. My heart fills with joy just typing it again now. It meant so much to me. I called my Mom with tears of happiness and said when she answered, "I can't believe you knew!"... I speak to her almost daily and she had never even let on in the tiniest way.

To top the evening off at the restaurant, our wonderful and talented chef came out (there's a picture of him as well), offered us his congratulations and gave us a bottle of wine as a gift. It was such a sweet and kind gesture.

The rest of the night is a total blur of phone calls, starring at my sparkly gorgeous ring, pictures, hugs, congratulations, and then finally snuggling up to my fiancé and drifting off to sleep.

I still look at the ring about every ten minutes; I love to look at the sparkle of the diamonds. It's absolutely stunning and perfect, just like my fiancé, the man I look forward to spending forever with.

Manic Monday - Meme and truth

2010-07-12T18:55:00.003-05:00

The title is actually the name of a daily meme, but the title also fits with the way this day has been.

My day started rough... I mean... rooooooooough... I woke up at about 6:30am with the worst stomach cramps and case of the #2's you can imagine. Graphic, fairly, but guess what, its my blog. :D Over and hour of running to and from the bathroom and my stomach finally settled down. Note to self: DO NOT have a large cup of coffee before bed. It's really the only thing I can rack it up to.

After my stomach settled and Sean got back from not being selected for Jury Duty (yay!), we got several errands done. I got some paystubs from my employer that I need in order to be seen at a free clinic here for blood work. We went to Pensacola College to start all the application paperwork for me and finish up some work for Sean. We went to David's Bridal to pick up my Maid of Honor dress for my friends wedding. Last but not least we checked out a stable in Milton as a possibility for Bailee. They currently have no stalls available so it isn't an option at the moment.

Sean got a call for an interview at a great company which I'm thrilled about. I didn't hear back about my interview that I had on Friday and as the day on I've gotten more and more down. SO.. when I saw this meme I figured it would be a good one for me to possibly get me out of this mopey mood.

Name 5 of the simple pleasures in your life: Hmm.. simple pleasures. I don't consider things like Sean, Bailee, letters from my son, and my family to be simple pleasures - but those are four big gynormous pleasures in my life.

Simple pleasures I partake in: Swimming in a cool pool. Walking in the sand next to the ocean. Going on a long horseback ride. Reading a good book in a quiet room. Doing some of my crafty things I enjoy like cross-stitching or weaving.

What do you like to do on a rainy day? Snuggle deep into the covers with my honey and hide. We play silly games with each other when we go to sleep at night and sometimes when we wake up in the morning. Tickling, raptor-toe (inside thing), wrestling, touched-you-last... just pure silliness really. One of the many things I love and adore about Sean is that we play and can be silly together.

I deserve a _good job__. (this was a fill in the blank question) Really. Truely. Honestly. I do. I'm a hard worker and a good worker. I've interviewed SO much in this tiny economy barren town and I've yet to have something reasonable in the slighest way come through. I'm SO frustrated. I mean...I *rock* these interviews. They tell me they like me, they tell me I'm in their top choices, and when they call back and say, "no thank you", I ask what could I have done better the answer is always the same. "You did great and you're well qualified, there are just many good applicants out there right now and we decided to go with someone else. We'll keep you in mind though in the future". Ok fine, but now, when's it my turn?

Coffee and Sleep

2010-07-11T22:28:00.002-05:00

I find it incredibly ridiculous that I would do this to myself, but yet, I have... yes, I drank a very large cup of coffee about an hour prior to the time I planned to go to bed. Wasn't I complaining earlier about my lack of sleep? Oh yes, that's right, I was. ARGH!!

So, perhaps staring at a way to bright screen in a dark room will do something to help me out over the next few minutes. Sadly it has not thrilled my dear sweet honey who is curled up trying to sleep next to me. No worries my 'now drifting into dreamland' dear, I'll make this fairly short. In the meantime, please try to have sweeter dreams than we both did last night.

The last few days and really the last week I have had serious wedding on the brain. Not for me (for the most part, lol) but because I'm thrilled and honored to be the Maid of Honor at an upcoming wedding in this area. The gals name is Sarah and her fiance' is Jeremy. We met them a few months ago through our horses and have hit it off as good friends. We're having a lot of fun. Her wedding is on Aug 28th and is being done on a very tight, mostly non-existant budget. She's had a lot of friends come through to help with some things which is wonderful. The wedding will be at the farm where we currently keep Bailee, the owner of the farm is a lawyer and is able to officiate the wedding and is doing so for free. Jeremy's Mom was kind enough to pay for the catered food from Sonny's BBQ. I'll be buying a few dozen roses before hand and putting together her boutiques the night before. A good friend of hers paid for her wedding dress and most of the accessories to go with it. She has really been blessed and I'm very happy for her. It will be a unique and super fun wedding. She's going to be riding her horse, Renegade to the aisle and possibly down the aisle depending on how he behaves and then her and Jeremy will ride off together after the ceremony. Very sweet. :) They'll of course come right back for the reception portion that we'll be having on the property as well.

My sister Bekah helped me come up with a fun idea for the centerpieces. We're going to be using large mason jars (or possibly some vases) and putting a large bunch of hay in them so it spirals a bit and flows out to all sides, then we'll put a few daises (possibly roses) in the center. A red and yellow ribbon around the jar/vase will be the finishing touches. They'll be easy and inexpensive to put together, perfect.

I'm also working on planning and putting together Sarah's Bridal Shower, we have the location and I have a few ideas, but quite honestly, I'm hoping to find a way to have some more funds very quickly before much longer. I need a way to buy my dress for the wedding AND the things I need for the shower. Quite honestly...not having a full-time job is hindering that quite a bit. I have a few things in the works and hopefully one of those will come through.

I didnt mention earlier that while I haven't been able to find another job, I am still working for the Dr's practice that Sean's Mom works for. The problem is that my hours there have had to be cut down to part time. Next week they only need me 2 days which is only going to be 16 hours. Ughh.

Sean is also still looking for other work, but right now is getting fairly steady hours on and off doing free-lance IT work for the office. When they keep him busy the funds are wonderful, but during the down time it makes things hard. I know it's really hard on him emotionally too. He really wants to get back to working a full-time job thats with an established company. He worries about taking care of me and our family, which is something that makes me love and adore him even more. He's amazing. We're struggling right now, but the love we have keeps us strong. We're both looking at starting some classes at one of the local colleges this fall and that will help lead us both to bigger and better things as well.

Anyhow, I'm going to turn this thing off and try to close my eyes again. Here's hoping for good sleep and great dreams.

Early

2010-07-11T08:14:00.002-05:00

It's Sunday and its way to early for me. It probably wouldn't feel that way if I was actually sleeping well, but sleep has been very ellusive recently.

We're going to brunch (breakfast really) with Sean's Mom and Grandpa this morning and somehow us needing to be there at 9:15am equals waking us up at 7:30am. (the restaurant is about 15 minutes away) Oh well, I guess this way we're actually more fully awake by the time we go.

The Sunday Meme's are at times my favorite, though I don't do them very often anymore. I thought an odd question one would be fun. It's two parts so I'm sure next week there will be more odd questions.
--
1. First thing you wash in the shower? My hair. After conditioning I always start with my left arm. Hmm, maybe I'll need to switch that up sometime.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Gray

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Most definitely!

4. Do you plan outfits? Very seldom.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Half awake.

6. What's the closest thing to you that's red? "previously read, 50% off" label on a book I recently bought.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? Ugh. That would be last night and it was a nightmare, so no thanks.

8. Did you meet anybody new today? Not yet.

9. What are you craving right now? Waffles.

10. Do you floss? Very seldom, I really should more often.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? My Mom's cabbage rolls. Yummm. Haven't had those in forever.

12. Are you emotional? omg yes. haha. Way to emotional sometimes.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? Probably?

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? If we're talking about an ice cream cone, I lick it. Ice cream bar, I bite.

15. Do you like your hair? Yep.

16. Do you like yourself? Most of the time.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Sure.

18. What are you listening to right now? The fan and the sound of my typing.

19. Are your parents strict? I'd say they borderline were. I've heard of a lot worse. I think they did a good job.

20. Would you go sky diving? This is a hard one because I really don't think I could. Sometimes I think I might like to... but someone would literally probably have to throw me out of the plane. lol

21. Do you like cottage cheese? Yep.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? Met as in shook hands with, I'm dont think so. I have eaten in the same restaurant as Nancy Kerrigan (ice skater) and been involved in a conversation with Steve Pool (reporter from Seattle), though I didn't specifically address him. I've also been within touching distance of Michael Jordan as he walked by at a golf tournament and my favorite, Teddy Bruschi from the New England Patriots when he spoke at a work function up in Boston.

A few changes..

2010-07-10T22:00:00.004-05:00

I came to the blog site to post tonight, but the new template designer caught my eye and I had to play with that for awhile instead. I imagine that I'll end up playing with it a whole lot in the future.

Not to much has changed in the last couple months. I had a wonderful birthday and celebrated with Sean and his family here in Gulf Breeze.

I recently went and visited my sister Clarissa and my nephew Vincent which also led to me seeing my other sister Bekah and Mom. It was so great to see most of my family. Vincent has gotten gynormous and is so different in so many ways. At the age of two I suppose he changes a bit daily. I miss my family, terribly, but I have no regrets over being in Gulf Breeze with Sean. He makes me so happy and is my family too.

Our horse, Bailee, is doing wonderful. She recently got moved to a new place because we found out that she wasn't being properly fed at the last place we had her. She'll be moved again soon as the farm she's on currently is a temporary 'safe house' of sorts for her. The farm she's at is beautiful...absolutely stunning...we joke with the owner that its a Day Spa for horses. She's being treated like a princess there, fed well, and has recovered from some injuries she sustained. The owner of the barn in Tamara, she's late 40's and is a kind and animal adoring person. The only downfall is that this place is just over an hour away from us. We moved her there due to the kindness of Tamara's heart and because she'd be well cared for, however, now that she's recovering well we're hoping to move her back closer to us within the next couple months.

Sean's grandfather is in town for the week, flew in today. He's a really nice guy and seems to have a geniune and gentle soul. We'll be doing a lot with him this week.

I'm still looking for another job, they're quite hard to come by in this area. In general I have about one interview weekly, sometimes one every couple of weeks, but it just hasn't worked out for me to find placement. I did have what felt like a really excellent interview on Friday and they're making a decision early next week -- I'll admit that I really have my hopes up about this one. It's a job that does billing and front desk work, but it's also a position that involves being the team leader for the front-end. While working at SunLife in Boston I was a Case Coordinator which involved a lot of team leadership; I really enjoyed the position and found it rewarding. Anyhow, fingers and toes crossed on this one.

It's late and most definitely time to snuggle with Sean and watch a movie while we go to sleep. :)

Meme: Sunday Stealing

2010-05-09T20:15:00.002-05:00

1. What's your favorite Dr. Seuss book? Hmm.. Horton Hears A Who.. but probably only because of watching the recent movie.

2. If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be? Mmm.. that's a hard one. Meredith's house on Grey's Anatomy is great. (but I've never really seen the yard) Wilson and Dr.House's condo is gorgeous (but I'm not a huge fan of having wall-to-wall neighbors.) I can't think of any series right now that has a gorgeous house on a big piece of land that would be good for a small horse barn. :)

3. What's the longest you've gone without sleep? A little over 48 hours.

4. What's your favorite Barry Manilow song? Don't know off the top of my head.

5. Who's your favorite Muppet? Don't know their names, but they're the twins that are on the wall that same,.. "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yepyepyepyep yep Mmmm.. YEP." Always thought they were hilarious.

6. What's the habit you're proudest of breaking? Smoking.. though it's an ongoing battle.

7. What's your favorite website? ER Stories. I have a few that I go to like it, but this guys is my favorite. Funny, gross, sad, amazing stuff. http://erstories.net/

8. What's your favorite school supply? Pens.

9. Who's your favorite TV attorney? Uh. Hmm.. the one from Law and Order SVU. I can't think of any others though. lol

10. What was your most recent trip of more than 50 miles? 50 miles or more one way? I think it was the move from Tampa up here to Gulf Breeze.

11. What's the best bargain you've ever found at a garage sale or junk shop? I found one of those awesome full cup blender sets that have six different cups, different drinking lids, different blending attachments for $5 at a garage sale. I can't find a nice set like that one for less than $50 online.

12. Where were you on September 11, 2001? Working at Steven's Hospital in Edmonds, WA.

13. What's your favorite tree? Pine trees. I love the smell, I miss the forests in Washington.

14. What's the most interesting biography you've read? Marilyn Mansons. Very trippy.

15. What do you order when you eat Chinese food? Most of the time Broccoli and Beef.

16. What's the best costume you've ever worn? Some of my SCA outfits. Corsets and big full circle dresses.

17. What's your least favorite word? Twat.

18. If you had to be named after one of the 50 states, which would it be? What a silly question. Uhm. Montana? .. Sure. Montana... that or Dakota.

19. Who's your favorite bear? Smokey. He prevents forest fires ya know!

20. Describe something that's happened to you for which you have no explanation. Meeting Sean so late in life. I wonder probably weekly why I couldn't have met him earlier in life. There's no explanation for it of course..... but all I can do is focus on how happy I am now. :)

21. If you could travel anywhere in Africa, where would it be? Anywhere. Quite literally. I think it would be amazing to go anywhere in Africa.

22. What did you have for lunch yesterday? Ihop. Eggs, Pancakes, Turkey Bacon.

23. Where do you go for advice? Sean, my Mom, or my sister Ris.

24. Which do you use more often, the dictionary or the thesaurus? Dictionary if you count word check in Microsoft Word. If not, then the thesaurus.

25. Have you ever been snorkeling? Scuba diving? Just snorkelling with my own cheapie equipment. I really really want to do more of both though! .. Ideally in some exotic places.

Update on Sean and Momma's Day

2010-05-09T08:59:00.002-05:00

So, straight to the point. Sean is doing good and great and fine. The big scare is over and with a few life changes that he's making he should be on the road to much less risk. He started taking Wellbutrin to quit smoking, YAY!!!.. and so far after only 2 days its making a difference. Yesterday he only had 6 cigs I think, he said he just didn't have the urge to have any more than that. He's only taking 1 pill right now and after the first week can bump up to 2 pills. In addition, the Wellbutrin should help keep his stress level down. We're both starting to watch the more salty foods and fatty foods, cutting them back almost completely. This will help sodium levels and also assist in losing some weight for both of us.

The results from the hospital were very good. There is absolutely zero, none, zilch damage to his heart. As most people probably know, one of the scariest parts of any type of a heart attack, no matter how minor, is that it can do heart damage. They ran SOOO many tests while he was in the hospital to check everything and I'm very happy to say that they couldn't detect any damage at all. Plus, on a just as great note, he doesn't have any kind of blockage in the veins, vessels, arteries, etc.

I am unbelievably relieved and very happy with the answers and information that we received. I will say I am not at all impressed with the hospital he stayed in, but I won't go into that. All on the positive today. :)

It's Mother's Day!!!!!!! Happy Happy Mother's Day to my family and friends and everyone that reads this blog and is a Mom. Sean took his Mom and I out to an unbelievable Mother's Day dinner last night. It's a little italian restaurant that's a bit hidden in the back part of Pensacola. It's gorgeous and rustic - the food made me appreciate italian food in a way I never have before. I kid you not that each bite was like a little piece of heaven. Absolutely unbelievable. They buy all their ingredients fresh and it takes a little while when you order your food to get it because EVERY sauce they make for every plate they do from scratch! It ranges about $16 - 25 per plate, but I think it's very reasonable for what you get. The portions were HUGE and I have enough to make up another two small meals. The server knew Sean's family and was awesome, making it an even better experience.

Today we're going to brunch at Sean's Dad's country club for another small Mother's Day celebration. They booked almost 150 reservations for brunch which is super good for Dad's restaurant. (he doesn't own it, but his happiness and salary in his job really depend on good business)

Anyhow, bunches of other things have happened, like doing a 15+ mile trail ride for the local rodeo this last weekend!!!!.. It was insane fun! ... but I need to get going so I can do a few things and then get ready for brunch.

Exhausted and trying not to worry and waiting for answers

2010-05-04T23:25:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it's really been 4 months since I last wrote in my blog. Craziness.

I had a plan to write a huge blog post tonight and catch up on all kinds of details... but... then I called my Mom and spoke with her for about an hour. Now I'm tired.

Very VERY short version of whats happening in life. Sean and I moved back to his hometown, the Pensacola-Gulf Breeze area, at the end of March because he got a job transfer. We're living with his parents while we save to move into an apartment. A I'm working at the Dr's office where his mother practices as a Nurse Practicioner making $9 an hour (ACKKK!).. but it's a great inbetween thing to pay the bills until I find a better job. I have an interview this Thursday. WOO! Living with his parents has its hard times, for both of us.

Sean has been overly stressed due to work, living with his family, his son, etc etc etc. That along with a history of heart problems has landed him in the hospital tonight. :( We don't currently know exactly what's wrong, we just know that his heart isn't very happy. His BP has been ranging from 150/90 to 175/98 at it's highest today. His heart rate has been between 90 and 102 regularly. A little info for those without any medical background, those numbers aren't immediately life threatening, but they're really NOT good and could be life threatening if not treated. So..... today his BP soared... he came into the Dr's office... Dr. W was concerned enough that she admitted him to the hospital. Don't worry, he's fine, right? Bah. How can I not worry? Yes, he is in great hands, he is currently doing good, but its impossible not to worry when the man I love dearly and completely is having heart problems. Maybe some would find it silly to say this at this point in the game, but I honestly don't know what I would do without him..... I can't even begin to imagine my life without him in it daily. Hell, I hate him being gone for one night. I miss him. I miss having his warm body next to me in bed. I miss the sound of his breathing. And damnit, I'm going to miss his snores waking me up occasionally tonight. *sigh* I'm keeping in mind that it's only one night (maybe more) and its by far for the best. He's in the best place he can be right now and hopefully we'll have some good answers by the end of tomorrow. Today they did a chest xray, ekg, blood work, and have some type of monitor hooked up to his heart that is keeping an eye on his heart rate 24/7. Tomorrow they at minimum have an echocardiogram (basically an ultrasound of the heart) and a stress test (he'll get on a treadmill to make the heart work hard while they monitor it) scheduled. Answers. We both will look forward to the answers.

I'm going to try (try is the operative word) to get some sleep.

Now I'm more awake so what the hell, I'm going to do a Meme.

2010-01-03T20:12:00.003-06:00

Actually, I saw this on a friends blog and it totally cracked me up, so now I'm doing it.

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

I don't really do the people exploding thing. Quite frankly. It's messy. However, now that I think about it, how about I do the next person who wants to blow up a bunch of innocent men, women and children in some foreign country. I mean REALLY? I know you think you're going to heaven and get something like 5000 virgins, but are you REALLY that insane? Yea. I guess you are. Oh.. before I push the button I'm shipping him to the middle of the desert first where it's empty for miles, that way he or she only hurts bugs. I hate bugs.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

Oooo... Beastie Boys. HAHAHA!.. I can't stand them. It's my brother's fault I swear.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Ok, that made me laugh out loud. For real. So, I get to punch them in the face and they can't do anything about it? I'd love to say no one, that I'm a lover not a fighter, but..... my ex ... the ex ex. Not the ex-husband, but the nasty one that got a few hits off himself.

4. What is your favorite cheese? Muenster. Definitely muenster right now.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make? OMG! .. uhm. It's gotta be a reuben. I love them. One from that cool irish pub in Pensacola.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

I can honestly say no one. I'm insanely happy in my relationship and even if it was someone famous I wouldn't do anything to hurt my current happy bliss.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?

Marilyn Manson! .. hahaha! J/K! Gotcha! ... See above answer. Now here's the scary part, there was a time several years ago that I was seriously obsessed with MM and totally would've done him. Ew.

8. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

SWEET! A hundred bucks. New clothes. I seriously need some new cute stuff.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Am I allowed to have time off too? I'd go see my nephew. Hands down. No hesitation.

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?

SWEET!!!!! Take my Mom, sister, husband, and nephew out to dinner.

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?

Uh.. really? Well crap, if I have to choose. Citrus Vodka.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?

Rufus? The only Rufus I know is a dog. Rufus rocks. Let's go back to where it's Medieval. I want to be a princess. A rebelious one of course, no sitting with the womanfolk and doing embroidery for me. I want to watch battles, listen in on the men's conversations, wander the countryside, ride the beautiful horses, take it all in. :)

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Hmmmm.. I'm really not sure. I'd guess I'd put in place no violence rules first and do my best to try and keep it that way.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise?

Some sort of show about teaching men and women how to treat each other better in relationships ... how to be more romantic ... how to listen better. Not a talk show. More like ... a reality / help show. *shrug*

15.What is your favorite curse word?

Fuck. I have no idea why. Maybe because it's considered the most taboo.. lol.

16.One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *snort* hehehehe. *cough* hahaha. *wheeze* What a ridiculous question. I'd play checkers with them of course.

17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the item?

One item? Laptop. Pictures, letters, stories I've written. It will have the most personal information I can keep.

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

Spend time with my loved ones.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?

I want to fly!

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Oooh. Ooooh crappin' damn. Sigh. Now you have to go and get me all serious. One of the half hours that I had when I was holding Carter (my son who is now adopted by a wonderful family). I can't remember those moments hardly at all now.

21.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

One of the many that were with the ex ex.

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin’! What country are you going to live in now?

This is probably the weirdest and funniest meme I've ever completed. ROFL. Ireland. WOOT!

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?

Oh I have no clue. There's no bar that I frequent or love.

24. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like “Dude, check it out…I can FLOAT!”?

ROFLMAO! Dude.. check it out.. I can float! .. I am SO going to float to my sister's house and be like, "DUDE! I can float!".

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?

Heath Ledger. He was a brillant actor and had really just hit his prime.

26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

My Grandma. I totally didn't get to spend time with my grandparents, they died early, and she was a rockin' seamstress! I bet she could make me some bomb-digity garb!

27. What’s your theme song?

I don't have one... but NOW .. I'm going to get one. About FLOATING! **off to find a song about floating**

Tired but filled with excitement..

2010-01-03T19:47:00.003-06:00

I'm exhausted... but I had to write in my blog / journal today and share a few things from the last two days. Sean and I have this little mini-journal his Mom gave us for Christmas, but you can only write less than half a page per day... so it's only for brief blurbs... which is why I will keep this up too.

Yesterday Sean and I saw Avatar in 3-D. Simply put, it was an amazing film. Several people had said it was outstanding and I'll admit, I was skeptical and thought I was going to be let down. I truly did not realize such breath-taking beauty could be captured in a film, especially in a film that is partially animated. I was blown away. The only negative thing I can say is I don't think the mind is meant to see in 3-D for 3 hours straight. Both Sean and I came out of the movie with a monster headache. Worth it? YES. Would I see it in 3-D again now that I experienced it once? Nope.

Sean's headache faded pretty quickly, but as usual with me and my headaches, mine very quickly developed into a migraine. Sounds amplified, huge pain, sensitively to any kind of light, and worst of all, extreme nausea. The fact that it was the middle of the day and bright and sunny probably didn't help. Bleh. Sean drove and got me home quickly as possible; laid me down, tucked me in and proceeded to cover the windows in bedroom with extra material so it was darker. He then went and got a cold wash cloth for me to put on my forehead and eyes. Have I mentioned how much I love this man? Sean sat with me for about 10 minutes or so and held my hand until I started to dose off from the pain medication I had taken.

It was about 15 minutes later I heard him talking to a young adult at our front door who was obviously trying to sell something. I could only hear about half the conversation and I slowly dosed off into my blessed darkness again.

About an hour later I woke up to my smiling honey who got me up as I requested so we could go see our mare together. It was then that I asked him if he'd bought anything from the door to door sales person. He did... and how could I tease him about being guilable when he told me he had gotten me a years subscription to a Bridal Magazine!!! He and I have been talking about when we'll get married on and off for about a month or so now, but this is so exciting! :) He said that even though we weren't engaged yet, he thought I could start getting some ideas and making some tenative plans in my mind. I **LOVE** this man. He thinks of the sweetest little things, takes care of me, and makes me happy constantly. :)

Christmas Recap

2009-12-28T19:21:00.002-06:00

The Christmas Season was just wonderful this year. Of course there are a couple of things I would have changed, (like being able to be with my family ... and Sean's family)... but I won't dwell on the things that I wasn't able to have. I think it's a much better idea to write about all the happiness and amazing things that did happen!

About 3 weeks before Christmas I got to see my Mom. (yay!!!) and my Mom got to meet Sean's parents and of course Sean as well. We had a wonderful weekend. Sean's mother put us up in a beautiful hotel and really outdid herself by preparing a great gift basket for my Mom. She put all kinds of special treats in it. She is a very considerate, loving, and caring woman; in fact, she reminds me a lot of my own Mom. (just not quite as good) ;) We spent the weekend wandering around the town of Pensacola a lot. We walked the beach, went to some souvineir shops, saw the Country Club where Sean's Dad works and had lunch there, went to the Dr's office where Sean's Mom works, had a couple of lunches out, and had dinners in. My Mom and Sean's Mom really seemed to hit it off, they have a lot in common so they seemed to have endless things to talk about. I couldn't have been happier with the weekend. :)

Sean and I's budget was really tight this Christmas due to my change in job, but I was very grateful that we had enough to at least do something small for everyone in our families. We thought we'd have a small but happy gift pile at our home, but we were so so so blessed to have both of our families send us many things. We had such a beautiful and full Christmas morning.

My sisters and I followed our continued pajama tradition and I opened my new 'jama pants on Christmas eve. SUPER loved them. I have pics that I'll have to put up soon. They were light blue with white and light brown snowflakes AND in additional there were a pair of blue and white snowflake slippers. So CUTE!

Sean's family (including aunts) got us a gift card to Walmart, a beautiful Santa ornament, a matching pair of dark blue Snuggies, I got a pair of pearl earrings, Sean got a couple of t-shirts and a movie, uhmm... I know I'm forgetting a few things. My family got Sean movies and books, Mom made him a set of hotbags and a Christmas apron (both of which he loves!), my sister Clarissa brought me back some of the most amazing weaved items from the Marshall Islands, my sister Bek and her husband got us the game Trivial Pursuit (woot!), and my brother made me another awesome apron. :) Again I know that I'm totally forgetting some things in there ... but there was so much wonderful stuff!

Sean totally outdid himself and surprised me huge by buying me a Versace perfume that we picked out together (lets not even go there on the price of it! holy crap!) and also got me a stainless steel eternity choker that locks into place. Both gifts were absolutely unbelievable and more than I know he could really afford right now. He is so good to me ...... he makes me world happy and full of smiles constantly.

I got Sean another movie he's been wanting and a nice pair of leather / waterproof boots for the barn. I wish that I could've done more myself, but I know he really appreciated what I did get.

Christmas evening I spent some time on the webcam with my family, everyone was in Seattle at my brother's house so it worked out well. The delight of my evening was my nephew Vincent playing peek-a-boo with me on camera. He would duck down off screen and I'd say, "Where's Vincent???", and then he'd POP back up with a squeel and laugh when I yelled, "There you are!!!" It was about as cute as it gets and I'll fully admit to getting all teared up over having the ability to play with my nephew. Technology is an amazing and wonderful thing.

Awww... good memories. My family is well. I'm madly in love with an amazing man. I'm in good health too. Life is good.

Sunday Stealing - Tell me about yourself

2009-11-29T18:12:00.002-06:00

1. When is your birthday? May 25th

2. Where were you born? Portland

3. Where do you live now? Largo

4. What is your heritage? German and other stuffs

5. Tell us about a weakness. I tend to be naive and too nice sometimes; sadly this means that I'm taken advantage of sometimes.

6. What's a goal that you'd like to achieve? Being able to do some high-level horse showing.

7. What is the most overused internet phrase? probably "LOL"

8. What was your first thought this morning? I don't think much when I first wake up. haha.

9. When do you usually go to bed? Varies. A LOT. Anywhere from 9pm to 12am usually.

10. Do you smoke? If not, did you ever? Very rarely, sadly I can't say that I've 100% kicked the habit. However I do not smoke regularly and haven't for a few years.

11. Do you like your current relationship status? Yes. :) Though we're both hoping to move forward to another level fairly soon.

12. Do you (or did you) get along with your parents? Yep

13. How often do you drink alcohol? About 1-2 times a month.

14. Have you ever tried drugs (that weren't prescribed)? Yep

15. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? If yes, do tell. hahaha. Yes, a few times. Y'all don't need the details. ;)

16. If given the choice, how would you like to die? In my sleep, peacefully, painlessly. That or eaten by a shark, yeah, that'd be cool.

17. What did you want to be when you grew up? Veternarian

18. Have you ever been dumped? Yep

19. What's on your pizza? Everything except green peppers or anchovies. I love fully loaded pizzas.

20. Have you ever shoplifted? Yep

Saturday 9: Leaving on a Jet Plane

2009-11-28T18:13:00.002-06:00

1. When was the last time you jetted away for the holidays? Does jetting away count flying to see family? If so, I have every year for the last 7 years or so. In general its always before or after Christmas though ... cheaper flights and/or easier flights to get on.

2. What is your fondest birthday memory? Uhmmmmm.. wow. My memory isn't so great. However, based off of pictures, I had a birthday several years ago when a bunch of friends came over to my parents house and celebrated with me. I don't really remember it .. but I've no doubt it was a good time. :)

3. What names do you go by? Rachel, Rach, Zaudika

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? Seeing my Mom, Christmas, starting my new job.

5. Where is your least favorite place to be, and why? The doctor. It generally means something or another is wrong, that and I just don't like doctor offices.

6. Have you ever had a scary stalker type? Yep, not a pleasant experience. At all.

7. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Hmmm, I have a couple, but I love my families pajama tradition. Every year one of us picks out pajamas for the other girls. We open them on Christmas Eve and wear them that night and the following morning.

8. What are two activities you do after eating Thanksgiving Dinner? Nothing that is super typical ... this year though I took a nice nap and then went to a friends house for desserts and movies.

9. What did your family do for Thanksgiving when you were a kid? Do you still do it? If not explain why. Eat a LOT. hahaha. And yup, I still do it!

Silly people, you have poo on your head...

2009-11-25T13:17:00.002-06:00

... or so they should ... hehehe. So, I was informed today by a friend-type-person that she thought that Sean and I had broken up. When I asked her where she had heard that from, she couldn't remember. (though I have a sneaky thought that she does rememberrrrrrrrr) I have a few ideas on where she might have heard a rumor started, but I left it alone after telling her that the information was far from the truth. To be honest, I truly cannot remember the last time I was so content and happy. Truly, completely, through and through, HAPPY. :) :) :) I really believe that the love Sean and I share is completely different than any other we've both experienced. He and I both have mentioned this a few different times. Life is good. :)

I might as well give a couple brief updates since I'm actually writing. :)

The biggest change in my life is I'm no longer working for SunLife; much to my disappointment. I had worked for the company just over 6 years. Long story short is I screwed up and had to chose between moving back to Boston or resigning. After a few days of thought, I resigned. I have no desire to move back to Boston. I don't like the weather (to much snow!), I'm not a big fan of the city, overall people just seem more rude. The two things I would've gone back for are my dear friends in the area and the job. In Florida I have other good friends, weather I like MUCH more, Sean (though he would've moved to Boston with me if that was our decision), Sean's family, and horses. Horses Horses Horses! :) They've been nonstop in my life since moving down here and it's not something I ever want to give up. I gave my resignation, they gave me 4 weeks severance, and I went out on the job hunt. I'm very happy and thrilled to say that I got another job offer and start on December 7th. I had to take quite a bit of a paycut, but I feel so incredibly blessed that I found another position so quickly. I'll be doing the same kind of work as a Claims Examiner and learning a new kind of business that involves Medicaid and Medicare as well as Short-Term Disability.

Another change and an exciting one for Sean and I is the newest horse in my life. She's a 3 year old mare and her registered name is "TR's Bright Showydream" and she's an appaloosa. We're currently working on finding her a daily pet name. It's currently Suzie, but no one is a big fan of that. We thought we were going to use Sage, but when she got delivered yesterday we felt it just didn't fit her. She's being kept at the barn, "Three Arrows Ranch" that I've spent time at since moving out here. A woman named Patty owns the place and has become a great friend. The barn only holds about 14 horses, so it never get's insanely overrun which is nice. For those who know horses and are reading this and might want to look up her Sire and Dam; her Dam is "Bright She Might" and her Sire is "Stylish Dream". Dream Finder is fairly well known and comes from some high-end champions so we're excited to have her. Currently she still belongs to Triange Ranch, but we're hoping by the end of next year she'll officially belong to us. It all depends on how things go.

Anyhow, that's about it for now. Sean has a friend coming to spend a few days with us for Thanksgiving and he should be here just about any moment.

Happy Thanksgiving (1 day early) Everyone!

Multiple Daily Meme's!?!?! Could it be true?!?!

2009-11-23T19:31:00.003-06:00

I found a website that has multiple daily meme's listed that you can go to and participate in. MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! Now on the days that my standard ones just aren't my cup of tea, I can find others. Or.. Ooo Ooo!! .. I can do multiple meme's in one day! Oh the possibilities!

Ok. Anyway. If you feel like getting involved in a billion types of meme's this is the link. http://thedailymeme.com/

The first meme I found for Monday is, "Give Me Five", each week a question or comment is made that you then list five things for. So.. this was the one for this week, very appropriate for Thanksgiving week of course:

Give Me Five reasons you can be thankful this year:

1) I'm thankful that my family is healthy and all doing relatively well.
2) I'm thankful that I found Sean, he really is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
3) I'm thankful that I was able to find a new job quickly.
4) I'm thankful for Suzie (soon to be renamed), the sweet appaloosa mare that is now in my life.
5) I'm thankful for my family and friends who love and support me.

Another Monday Meme I found is called Question of the Week, or QOTW. This was the question they posed:

Would you rather work outside with your hands, or inside at a desk job?

I would most definitely prefer to work outside with my hands. All of my life I've pretty much done desk jobs, however, my dream job would be making a living working with horses. Horses are hobby and it brings me minor income at times, but oh if it could be a profession....... life would be grand.

Sunday Stealing - The Party Mummy Meme

2009-11-23T08:09:00.003-06:00

Doing these questionnaires seem to be my thing recently. One of these days I'm going to actually write an update on life as well - until then - those who follow my blog, just know that life is good. :)

No clue why they named this meme what they did. Odd.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Sarah, same date right down to the year. She's my birthday twin. :)

2. Where was your first kiss? Honestly I don't remember for the life of me. My first memorable kiss was in this little wooded area by my family's home.

3. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? If yes, why? Errrm.. Yes. We'll just leave it at yes I have.

4. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? When? Yep, a few times. Kareoke most recently.

5. What's the first thing you notice about your preferred sex? Height, body type, eyes.

6. What really turns you off? Someone being rude.

7. What is your biggest mistake? Ehh... some interesting personal questions in this aren't there. Biggest mistake - staying in an abusive relationship way to long.

8. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Good gawd! Really?! Bleh. Whatever. Yeah a long time ago.

9. Say something totally random about yourself. I want a cookie. A chocolate chip one.

10. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Just recently yep.. my honey mentioned that he kind of thought I looked like the lead singer from Evanescence.

11. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? heck yah!

12. Are you comfortable with your height? Yep. Sometimes I wish I was a couple inches taller, but I'm good where I'm at too.

13. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? Hmmm... goodness. I've had a few romantic things in my past, it's not fair to pick just one.

14. When do you know it's love? I think this is something that everyone has to answer individually to themselves. I don't know how to explain it in depth. Though that might be because it's early morning and I haven't had coffee yet. lol. All I can say is you just know. It's when you feel something you've never experienced before. The feeling when it comes is perfect.

15. What's something that really annoys you? hahaha.. love and then right over to annoyance. Rude and dishonest people annoy me.

Sunday Stealing Meme - Weird Questions Part II

2009-11-08T17:58:00.002-06:00

26. What color is your watch? I don't have a watch.

27. What do you think of when you hear “Australia”? The movie with Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman.

28. Would you strip for money? No.

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Drive thru most of the time.

30. What is your favorite number? 7.

31. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone? Cait.

32. Any plans today? I already did them. Picked up a friend and did a little surprise birthday celebration for her. We painted pottery and had lunch.

33. In how many states have you lived? 4.

34. Biggest annoyance right now? Being unemployed.

35. Last song listened to? Uhmmm. I honestly can't remember.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? Yes.

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house? I wish!

38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? Comfy worn out sandles or some new loafers I just got - they're by Mudd and super comfy.

39. Are you jealous of anyone? Nope, I'm really not.

40. Is anyone jealous of you? Not that I know of.

41. Do you love anyone? Very much.

42. Do any of your friends have children? Yes, a bunch of them do.

43. What do you usually do during the day? Recently, job hunt and crafts.

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now? I'm happy to say, no.

45. Do you use the word hello daily? Yes, or some form of it.

46. What color is your car? Silver.

47. What size wedding ring do you wear? 5.5

48. Are you thinking about someone right now? Not really, mostly focusing on filling this out.

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yep!

50. How did you get your worst scar? Surgery.

Saturday 9

2009-11-07T10:00:00.002-06:00

1. What was your favorite subject in high school? Art and Pottery

2. Do you watch reality shows? Which ones? I'm not sure if they count as reality shows, I guess they do because they're real, they're just not as drama filled as some. So, Trauma: Life in the ER. Code Blue. Project Runway. Top Chef. Animal Cops.

3. What's your favorite all time reality show? Ohh.. hard to chose, probably any of them that are medical related. They're facinating to me.

4. Do you feel "reality" shows are real or are they faked? I think a lot of the drama parts are acted / faked in things like Top Chef and Project Runway.

5. What did you look like when you were a teenager? I remember myself as being pretty chubby and unkept. I most defintely was not a popular teenager.

6. Whose advice do you listen to? My sister and Sean.

7. How often are you sick? To often! I'm considerably lucky though, I could have it a lot worse.

8. Do you like or dislike change? omg, I hate it!

9. How many times in your life have you had a broken heart? A couple of times, for a few different reasons - not all because of ended relationships.

Sunday Stealing Meme - Weird Questions

2009-11-01T08:04:00.002-06:00

1. What is the color of your toothbrush? Green and White.

2. Name one person who made you smile today. Sean. :) He's great at that.

3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Sleeping still.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Just starting to wake up.

5. What is your favorite candy bar? Twix.

6. Have you ever been to a strip club? Yep.

7. What is the last thing you said aloud? "Who is that?"

8. What is your favorite ice cream? How to choose? Something with chocolate and coffee flavoring.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water.

10. Do you like your wallet? Yep.

11. What was the last thing you ate? Eggs, Ham, English Muffin.

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Nope.

13. The last sporting event you watched? Football.

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Light Butter.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? Sean.

16. Ever go camping? Yes! I love camping.

17. Do you take vitamins daily? Yep.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday? Nope.

19. Do you have a tan? Slight natural one from living in Florida.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? Yes, most of the time.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? When I can, I like drinking with straws, I even bought a package of them for my kitchen.

22. What did your last text message say? No idea, I'd have to go get my phone and see and well, I'm lazy this early.

23. What are you doing tomorrow? Working on my resume and starting the new hunt for work.

24. Favorite color? Blue.

25. Look to your left; what do you see? Kitchen.

Meme for Monday and other stuff

2009-10-05T18:31:00.002-05:00

Why is the Manic Monday Meme always so short? I think that it's supposed to inspire longer and more creative writing, but I've got to say, after going through a mind numbing, exhausting, not wanting to be there because it's Monday workday -- the furthest thing from my mind is writing my intellectual <--(I'm so spelling that wrong) thoughts on something. (just saying...)

Even so, here we go:
Do you read an actual print newspaper? If so, how often? Nope.

What is your main source of news? I get CNN updates in my work email, I see the headlines on the front page of Yahoo, and once in awhile I watch a portion of the evening news on TV.

Do you believe that it's possible for the media to be unbiased? No. I think it's possible that a person can write an article from an unbiased standpoint. However, verbally, visually, and personally on the inside I don't believe a person reporting on the news is going to be unbiased.

------------------------------

On another note. Life seems to be going pretty darned good. Random lists of updates.
-Dave and I are offically divorced.

-Sean and I are living together and talking about our futures a lot. I'm happy. I'm excited for him to come home every day. I can't get enough time with him. He expresses the same feelings constantly and I love it. We're both aware that the giddy twitterpatted stage doesn't last forever ..... but the happiness and love ... I don't feel like that will overall ever fade. We're seriously like two teenagers a lot of the time and I can't even begin to say how much fun it is to have someone that has a goofy silly personality so insanely similar to mine. I think he might even be weirder than me sometimes. I love it.

-I'm currently working with a new horse named Suzie. Funny, I've said I don't like appaloosa's and I don't prefer mares. She's both. AND .. she's amazing. Sean loves her and treats her like a pet dog. It's adorable. He gave her a treat a couple days ago and told her to "sit", like he was talking to a dog. I crap you not. "Sit!". It's hysterical. I love it. I love him. I love them. :) She's for sale and I so wish we could purchase her. She's 3 yrs old and has a lot of potential.

-I was riding a horse named Red for about a week. She also was a mare. (weird). Except she was a thoroughbred. WOOT! She's definitely for an experienced rider, but she was oh so sweet. Unforunately she was not treated well for several months and is now on stall rest for several months. Long story short, she was given away to someone else today and I couldn't be happier. Her current owner was not physically abusing her, but by not taking care of her was inflicting abuse.

-Today I let my Mom know that Sean and I were living together. Ugh. Ouch. I hate hurting her and making her sad ... and it did. However, I hate lying to her even more. She'll adjust and she'll be okay, we just have very strong different view points on this matter. I love her dearly and she's one of my best friends; we'll work through this too.

Oooooooooooooo.. Sean just texted me he's going to make Top Ramen when he gets home from work and he's not sharing. I've got a wicked craving now. I'm so making my own. Muahaha.

Sunday Stealing - One LONG Meme

2009-09-20T22:05:00.002-05:00

1. The phone rings. Who will it to be? Hmm, at this time of the night, my sister or Cait probably.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? No, most of the time I don't. *blush*

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener? Really depends on the day or my mood. The majority of the time the listener.

4. Do you take compliments well? Not really, I get pretty bashful with compliments.

5. Do you play Sudoku? Yeah, but I'm bad at it.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? Overall it depends on what I had with me, but yeah.

7. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? Yep!

8. What was your favorite game as a kid? I don't really remember. I did like this one family game we played called "The Farmer" or "Farmer's Market" or something.

9. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he was married, would you? Absolutely not.

10. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? Yes

11. Do you like to pursue or be pursued? Good mixture of both.

12. Use three words to describe yourself? Emotional, Empathic, Happy

13. Do any songs make you cry? Oh heck yeah.

14. Are you continuing your education? Not currently.

15. Do you know how to shoot a gun? If handled one I could shoot it, but I probably wouldn't hit a target.

16. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yep.

17. How often do you read books? Used to all the time, haven't started one recently.

18. Do you think more about the past, present or future? A good mixture of both. Though I probably shouldn't think about the past so much. :P

19. What is your favorite children’s book? Any Dr. Suess

20. What color are your eyes? Blue

21. How tall are you? 5'7"

22. Where is your dream house located? Not really sure actually.

23. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed? I'd make sure Sean was awake and on the way out too then probably one of my boxes of memories / photos. If I had time a few additional clothes other than what was on my back.

24. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden? About a month ago with Sean.

25. Where was the furthest place you traveled today? Up the street to Home Depot.

26. Do you like mustard? Yes

27. Do you prefer to sleep or eat? I have to chose one!? We need both peeps!

28. Do you look like your mom or dad? More like my Mom I think.

29. How long does it take you in the shower? If not doing any shaving of legs and such, about 5 mins.

30. Can you do the splits? Nope.

31. What movie do you want to see right now? Angels and Demons, didn't get to see it in the theatre, waiting for it to hit DVD.

32. What did you do for New Year’s? I totally can't remember. Eeek!

33. Do you think The Grudge was scary? Yes, wont watch it.

34. Do you own a camera phone? yes.

35. Was your mom a cheerleader? no.

36. What’s the last letter of your middle name? Y

37. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? I'm in bed for at least 8, but generally only sleep 6 or 7.

38. Do you like Care Bears? Loved them as a child.

39. What do you buy at the movies? Try not to buy more than my ticket and sneak some cheaper stuff in if I can.

40. Do you know how to play poker? Yep!

41. Do you wear your seat belt? Yes!

42. What do you wear to sleep? Nothing

43. Anything big ever happen in your hometown? Yea.

44. How many meals do you eat a day? 4-6 depending on how good I'm being.

45. Is your tongue pierced? No, but it used to be.

46. Do you always read MySpace bulletins? Not always, but I look at them when I log on.

47. Do you like funny or serious people better? Funny. :)

48. Ever been to L.A.? Yep.

49. Did you eat a cookie today? No. Ooo... I want a cookie.

50. Do you use cuss words in other languages? I have before.

51. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads? Uhm. I plead the 5th?

52. Do you hate chocolate? No?!?! I love my chocolatey goodness.

53. What do you and your parents fight about the most? We don't really fight.

54. Are you a gullible person? Oh yeah.

55. Do you need a boyfriend to be happy? Nope.

56. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what what would it be? Professional Horse Trainer.

57. Are you easy to get along with? I think so.

58. What is your favorite time of day? Middle of the day. More awake, but not tired from the long day yet.

Sunday Stealing - One of my favorite meme's.

2009-08-16T11:14:00.003-05:00

The Sunday Stealing meme is one of my favorites because it's always changing. I haven't been posting or doing meme's quite as often, but I've got some extra time today so here we go!

Question 1: Who do you think is the hottest movie star? This is a hard one as I have a few favorites. Men: Ryan Reynolds; Hugh Jackman. Women: Nicole Kidman; Charlize Theron. Though I think they're both more attractive when they're not super bone-showing skinny.

Question 2: Apart from your house and your car, what is the most expensive thing you have ever bought? Jewelry, necklace and small topaz and white gold ring I bought myself.

Question 3: What is your most treasured memory? I have two right now. The birth of my son will always first and foremost. And honestly.. the first time I met Sean.. it was an amazing moment that I haven't experienced before.

Question 4: What is the best gift you’ve ever received as a child? Unforunately I don't have a lot of childhood memories so I can't remember many specific gifts. I do remember the Christmas when all of us kids got the original Nintendo tho.. that was awesome. :) That and the gifts my Mom made were always the best!

Question 5: What is the biggest mistake you’ve ever made? Not walking away.

Question 6: Give four words to describe yourself. Honest, Empathy, Emotional, Loving

Question 7: What was your highlight or lowlight of 2008? Uhm.. 2008?.. gods, with my memories being all kinds of messed up thats difficult for me to do. I'd say meeting Patty and all the other people at "Three Arrows Ranch", it's made a huge impact and change in my life. OH GOODNESS and how could my crazy mind forget. The birth of my nephew!!!!!!!!!!!! I got to be there and it was amazing and beautiful and wonderful in every way possible.

Question 8: What was your most embarrassing moment? The first thing that came to mind when I read this was a time I accidently pee'd myself from laughing so hard. It was at a friends house I had in Seattle during a party at her house. It might've been a b-day party. Sooooooooo embarassing. I was pretty badly teased for it.

Question 9: Tell something not generally known about yourself. Uhmmmmm.. I have a totally irrational fear of having my toes pulled on - I feel like they'll dislocate if they're even gently pulled. When I get a pedicure I have to specifically mention not to pull on my toes when they're doing the foot massage.

Question 10: If you were a comic strip/cartoon character, who would you be? Are there any cartoon characters of Betty Page? :D ... I dunno, someone dark, sexy, and mysterious!

Thursday Thunks! It's that time again! .. Meme's!

2009-07-23T22:45:00.006-05:00

1. You walk into a store and the cashier is being held up by a robber. The robber's accomplice is dead on the floor at your feet with a shotgun laying next to him. The robber does not see you, but the cashier does - what do you do? Not to be anal, but this would depend on a few things. How stressed out is the robber? Is he / she tweaking? Calm? Hands shaking? Seem trigger happy? How close is the shotgun to me? More than likely I'd try to quietly step behind one of the shelves and get to the floor while hitting the emergency 911 button my cell phone. I don't know how to use a gun, I'm not incredibly intimidating, and I'd probably end up getting shot or getting someone else shot if I tried to take control of the situation.

2. We go to an ice cream shop for an ice cream cone. You say you are buying and I am going to stay in the car. You ask me what I want and I say "surprise me", what kind of ice cream cone am I going to get? If I don't know you at all, I'm probably going to stick to something pretty basic or simple. If we've known each other for a while and you like chocolate, something fun for funky like Rocky Road, Mudslide, or Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz Buzz.

3. You have a dream that your co-worker, friend or whoever is hit by a garbage truck after they back into a ladder with a black cat on it. The next day you see that person standing by a ladder with a black cat on it and there is a garbage truck driving down the road.... what do you do? Scream VERY loudly so I get their attention and get them to move far far away from the ladder, truck, cat, everything.

4. What is the most money you've won on a lottery or scratch off ticket? $100

5. A neighbor kid down the street comes to your door and offers to wash all of your windows outside for $10 - do you have him do it? Sure! I'll help out and clean windows are nice.

6. Go to Google Images. Type in the name of the last movie you saw. Post the first picture that comes up.

7. Your local animal shelter calls you and says there are 3 dogs that need an immediate foster home for 3 days. If you do not accept, the dogs are put down that day. Do you take them in? In a heartbeat, yes.

8. What is the messiest room in your home? Livingroom, by far.

9. Have you ever been to a wedding that participated in a strange tradition that you had never heard of? Yes, it was the receiption at a Thai wedding. During a dance, men (or women) would pin money to the brides wedding dress and dance with her for a few moments before the next person would pin money and start dancing with her. People were pinning $5, $10, $20, $50, $100 bills. I was young and thought it was SO cool.

10. Name one sport that you just don't get. Golf. I mean, I guess I understand why some people enjoy playing it.... but those who chose to watch it..... really people? I just don't get it. It's like watching paint dry to me.

11. What was the last email that came into your inbox about? It was the Marcaster Yahoo Group email, various posting from my SCA Group in the area.

12. Have you ever purchased anything from a sex shop? Extra points if you tell us what it was.... hahahahaha! Many times. Vibes and nipple clamps are two things I've bought that I'll tell you about.

13. Go back to that Google Images link... type in the last food item that you ate. Post the 2nd picture it comes up with.

14. Got any bumper stickers on your vehicle? What are they? nope, sure don't.

15. What meme question do you wish was never asked again? Hmmm... I don't really like it when a meme asks about when the last time I cried was, and why.

Wednesday's Meme appears to be broken.. so Rachology it is.

2009-07-22T23:07:00.002-05:00

Or at least they haven't posted a new questionnaire since the beginning of July ... ah well. This is one I took from a Facebook post. It's supposed to be named Rachology as the title says, but I think that word looks really freaky weird. Maybe that's just me.

Anyway, here we go:

**********FOODOLOGY***************

1. What is your salad dressing of choice?
Most of the time Reduced Fat Italian

2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Not Your Average Joe's, it's a chain in the Boston area. I need to find a new restaurant that I absolutely love down in Florida.

3. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Beef - Various forms of steak. It'd be horribly bad for me to do that, but there are some many different flavors in the different cuts of meat. Mmmmm... red meat.

4. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
I like Supreme Pizzas - most everything piled on. Just no anchovies. Yeck!

5.What do you like to put on your toast?
Butter and Strawberry Jelly

6. Any vegetables you don't like?
Any that come in a can. They either need to be fresh or frozen.

7. Do you eat seafood?
OMG yes. Love it.

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

1. How many televisions are in your house?
hahaha. 5. However only 2 of them are used.

2. What color cell phone do you have?
black

3. How long would it take you to look up who invented the Rubber band?
uh, probably about 10 seconds. Google.

4. Have any idea how may Megahertz your computer has?
No clue, I could find out, but I'm not going looking right now.

***************BIOLOGY******************

1. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Both. I write with my Left hand, but do most everything else with my Right hand.

2. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Yep. Spleen. Tonsils. Splinters. Adhesions.

3. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
Some of the boxes when I moved my stuff over to Cait's place.

4. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Knocked out? No, fainted, yes.

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

1. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Hell No!

2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
My first and middle name, I wouldn't want to change. My last name, right now back to Herget.

3. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Yep.

************DUMBOLOGY******************

1. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
none. I don't like the little part that goes between your toes.

2. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Uhmmmmm... don't remember. Long time ago.

3. Last person you talked to?
Cait and Owen before I laid down.

4. Last person you hugged?
Joy at pottery.

**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

1. Season ?
Fall and the Spring. When it's warm, but not HOT.

2. Holiday?
Christmas and Halloween

3. Day of the week?
Saturday

4. Month?
May ? I guess.

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

1. Missing someone?
Yes. OMG yes.

2. Mood?
Tired.

3. What are you listening to?
the hum of my laptop

4. Watching?
uhm... my computer screen?

***************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

1. First place you went this morning?
My desk to sign in for work. First place out of the house, Dunkin Donuts for coffee.

2. What's the last movie you saw?
The Proposal. It was awesome.

3. Do you smile often?
Recently, yes. :)

***************OTHEROLOGY*****************

1. Do you always answer your phone?
Nope

2. It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Could be a few people. The immediate person who comes to mind right now is Sean. :)

3. If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Wouldn't want to.

4. Do you prefer cold or hot?
Cooler but not cold.

5. What's your favorite gossip magazine?
Err... don't have one

6. Have you ever had a pet fish?
Yep, goldfish and betafish.

8. What's on your wish list for your birthday?
I dunno, way to early to think about that.

9. Can you do push ups?
Girly ones.

10. Can you do a chin up?
Nope

11. Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Excited!

12. Do you have any saved texts?
Yep :)

13. Ever been in a car wreck?
Yes

14. Do you have an accent?
Nope

15. What is the last song to make you cry?
Don't remember. Butterfly kisses used to make me cry all the time.

16. Plans tonight?
Sleep!

17. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Yeah

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
Coffee, Muffin, aaaaaaaaaaaaand I don't think anything else.

19. Have you ever been given roses?
Yes - I love roses among other flowers.

20. Current worry?
Sean's transfer. If it'll work out. If we need to make a different plan. Etc.

21. Current hate right now?
I try not to hate anything, but right now I'm disliking work a lot.

22. Met someone who changed your life?
Yes, a lot of people have changed my life.

23. How will you bring in the New Year?
No idea at this point. New Years Eve is a ways off.

24. What song represents you?
Bitch by Meredith Brooks, haha

25. Name three people who might complete this?
I'm posting it to my blog, not for others to do, unless they want to take it.

26. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Hmmm.. maybe? I think so but probably just so I could reexperience some things I've forgotten.

27. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Yep

28. Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
yes

30. Does anyone love you?
yes

31. Ever had someone sing to you?
yes

32. When did you last cry??
couple nights ago

33. Do you like to cuddle?
I'm a HUGE cuddler. I'm a snuggle cuddle maniac.

34. Have you held hands with anyone today?
nope

35. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
no idea. I don't remember things from that age.

36. Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Yes! .. Mmm.

Pickles!

2009-07-22T22:50:00.004-05:00

Ok, so I couldn't think of a good title. I seldom can, so I'm just going to blurt whatever comes to mind if I'm having a blank moment.

My honey got home from his trip to Iowa today. Yay! Safe and sound after another 22 hour long drive. Whew! We got to talk tonight for longer than we have for the last week and it was great. He also showed me the present he got for me while he was in Iowa. hehe. We both couldn't wait for the surprise. I LOVE IT! I've never really been able to do the name brand clothes thing as I haven't really been able to afford it or justify to myself spending a lot on myself for clothes. Well, he had mentioned getting me something name brand eventually and did. WOOOOT!.. Who's a lucky woman? I AM! It's a super cute white, pink, green, fuzzy comfy outfit from Victoria Secret, from the "PINK" clothing line. OMG I can't wait to get it in the mail, it looks so comfy. It's a lighter weight hoody that says "FREE HUGS" in bold letters across the back and then long pants that side "LOVE PINK" down the side. It's got other super cute details too. I'll totally take pictures and put them up once I have them. I'm totally psych'd. :) OH! .. In fact, now that I think of it. I can link a picture from the VS website. Here we go!

...and.....

I have the bestest boyfriend in the whole wide world. :) I've been grinning ear to ear since I spoke with him earlier tonight.

Writing again..

2009-07-21T23:37:00.002-05:00

So... I haven't written in a long while... there are several reasons for that. Mostly because I didn't want some people who know about my blog reading about what I had to say. I know, I know, then why journal online? Eh, one of the main reasons is because I type a lot better than I write - not to mention a lot faster. Secondary reason is that when it's saved on the internet it seems to never go away. (which might be a bad thing). I've written in books before and written on hard drives before - a couple of both have been lost - so I write here. And yes, I know my puncuation and spelling sucks, but it's allowed to here.

I think I've mostly decided that I'm not going to write a lot of detail about super emotional personal stuff here; but hell that may change too.

Biggest update. Dave and I are getting a divorce. I moved out at the end of April and then told him at the end of May that I wanted the divorce. There are multiple reasons and sadly he and I don't see eye to eye on most all of those reasons. My biggest heartache about the divorce is losing someone who was my best friend for 7 years. There is no one that has really stood by me in the way Dave did for those years and I will never feel ungrateful for all the support and love he always showed me. He really is such a good person. He's just not one that I'm in love with anymore.

Dave is now dating someone else and has been for a couple of months. I'm also seeing someone else, Sean. I've fallen hard and fast ... it's scary in a lot of ways ... and it's not something I expected at all. The last moment I expected to meet someone so wonderful would be while going through a divorce. I'm not going to go to far into detail about things with he and I at the moment. We'll just say for now that I'm very happy with where things seem to be leading with this very special man.

I've been keeping myself busy. My work with the horses has picked back up and is quite involved. I technically have 5 horses that I'm currently working with or riding, but I'm only riding 2 of them occasionally right now. Katie - I ride out at Patti's barn, but Patti is also doing a lot of work with her for the upcoming show season. Joshua - is my newest project and the one I'm riding the most, he's owned by a woman named Sue that I was introduced to by Patti. Sadie - Is another one of Sue's horses that I ride occasionally. Both Joshua and Sadie are fairly well trained in English and Sue (owner) would like them slowed down for Western, so I'm helping her work on that. I'm bringing Joshua to a lesson clinic Saturday evening. Finally I occasionally ride Blue and Suede. Arthur and Lynn are their owners. They'd like me to work with them a lot more this fall as Arthur will be very busy running his hurricane repair business. It's crazy busy and I love it, but I'm hoping to get settled in to working with only 1 or 2 horses soon so I can show that one specific horse during the show season. I dunno, we'll see how it goes.

I'm dealing with a horrific bout of insomnia recently. I don't really sleep well anymore period. I was hoping that writing would start to get me tired tonight but it seems to have been an idle hope. I've been seeing a therapist down here and the last time I spoke with her she suggested trying to find some hypnotherapy CD's for helping me to get to sleep or stay asleep. I haven't done that yet, but it really might be worth a shot. The lack of good sleep has been messing with my work schedule, and wreaking havic on my emotions. I'm keeping most of the emotional crap contained as I don't want it to bug others and well, for the most part it's not a huge deal and I can handle things fine ... but it's still starting to stress me out.

Anyhow, I'm going to sign out for now, maybe read for a bit and if that doesn't work take half of a sleeping pill to try and help me reach sleep.

P.S. Ewoks are da'bomb.

Time to write after a month off

2009-05-05T22:38:00.003-05:00

It's late and I honestly don't know how much I will write, but I've been thinking about it on and off all day so I figured it was a good sign that I was in need of writing again.

I wish I could say things were better. If anything things are more confusing right now than I think they ever have been in my life. I don't know, maybe not. I had some pretty bad years with my ex, but I don't think those were really confusing for me, I was pretty messed up then so I kinda just went with whatever the ex said. *shudder* Ok, moving on from that subject.

My ankle and knee are doing better and improving slowly, but well. My orthopedic doctor was very pleased with my progress when I saw him on 4/27. I start physical therapy this Thursday and I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, with PT I'll be able to go back to riding in a month? It should hopefully be possible. I have to wear the immobilization boot very seldom now which is a relief; I just have to be very aware of where I'm stepping (no uneven ground) and very careful overall. I still get quite a bit of achy pain when I rotate the ankle or am on my feet for more than a few minutes at a time, but I'm told that's all a normal part of the healing process. The weather here has been beautiful and I would love a chance to get out more, but right now I need to limit myself to short walks in the sunlight of about 5 minutes. If I push it I'm asking for a day of pain, being back in the immobilizer for that day, and a swollen ankle and foot. However, I have been trying to spend at least 15 minutes a day in the sunlight in one way or another. It's supposed to help with the blues and be good for the soul right?

Dave and I are now more or less officially separated. He started feeling better, I progressively started feeling worse. I have a lot of frustrations that have built up over the years and when we took time apart, I think it gave me some space to think over everything, and now, I'm just stuck. I don't know what I want anymore. I do know that I'm SO TIRED of always saying "I don't know" because it seems to be the answer in my head to everything I'm asked. Two days ago I moved into a friends place for about a month, probably 6 weeks at most. It's a decision that I made, and Dave accepted the best he could, as I feel I'm not going to be able to figure this out without additional space and time to think. He and I are still 'dating' while I'm in this location. We have plans to see a movie tomorrow and we'll be going to an SCA Event together this upcoming weekend. We both started seeing a marriage counsellor who is currently meeting with us separately. She feels that for right now until we each work through some of our individual problems its the best idea. She advised me this last week to stop trying to rush myself. I'm so desperate to have the right answer that I'm causing myself anxiety attacks and constant stress. So, my new focus for at least the next couple of weeks is to concentrate on one day at a time; to not let anyone push me into making a quick decision, to not try and force myself to come up with all of the answers.

Each day I feel a bit different. Today is another self-hatred day of feeling like I'm just not trying hard enough; that if I was a good person, a good wife, I wouldn't ever consider the possibility of divorce. Yet here I am, on a fence, looking both ways and having no idea which side I'm supposed to land on. The constant turmoil is enough to drive a person insane. How do people know? How do people actually make decisions like this? Right now I'm stuck with feeling it's not possible to make a decision and I'll be in limbo land forever.

Torn

2009-04-05T23:38:00.004-05:00

I feel like my emotions have gone completely haywire. I know there are a lot of reasons for it. Let's make a list.. shall we? Sure, lists are sometimes good - besides, it lets me vent:

I'm PMSing
I'm temporarily crippled and housebound
I'm missing Boston and my friends
I'm going through Gulf War withdrawls
I want to be closer to my Fayne Family as I always want to be this time of year
I'm missing what started to be a great friendship that I can't continue
I'm on pain meds that leave me tired and groggy
I'm missing my horse and being able to ride
I *know* that it's going to be months before I can ride again and it kills me
I'm feeling sorry for myself and it pisses me off
I have a husband sleeping in a separate bedroom
I miss my nephew who's way to far away from me
I miss my blood family who are all in the Arizona and Seattle area
I'm in pain even with the meds because I don't want to take them that often
I'm not currently working which makes me worry
Dave is still out of good work and is incredibly stressed and depressed
I haven't been able to take a shower in 5 days and its disgusting! Wipe down baths just don't do it people
I'm overwhelmed ........ gods I'm just so overwhelmed

We had the boys for a night this weekend which was good. It brought a change in the routine. A friend of ours invited us over for dinner and for the boys to go swimming in her pool. She and her husband took care of me and babied me which gave Dave a good break from it; plus the kids had a really great time in her pool. We have a pool at our complex but this made it so we could have a couple of drinks, relax, and hang out with our friends without the noise of neighbors and the need to sit out publicly with the community.

An update on my injury...

2009-04-02T18:36:00.001-05:00

An update ......

First, thank you everyone for your well wishes. I really appreciate it. It's going to be a long road of recovery and I'm not looking too forward to it. I've been basically bedridden for only 3 days and I feel like I'm ready to jump out of my skin already.

I saw the orthopedic surgeon today and absolutely hated him. If anyone is ever down in the Clearwater, FL area and someone refers you to a Dr. Morris for ortho surgery, request someone else! Overall I believe he did what was needed, but I'm going to speak with a friend of mine about getting a second opinion.

Overall information first and then I'll tell you about the doctors appointment and why the Doctor pissed me off so bad:

1) Rebel (horse) is doing pretty good. His front left knee is pretty swollen and he has a few scrapes, but he came out of the accident fairly well. Thank god. I'd be even more of a wreck if anything had happened to him.

2) It will be at minimum 2 months before I have the view from the back of a horse again. (yes, of course it was one of my first questions). For those who have ridden, you know that the majority of your strength from riding comes from your legs. Not only do your muscles need to be in good shape, but your joints as well as your ankles and knees are bent at specific angles and rotated for various control.

3) As of today, I do not need surgery. WOOHOO! I'll have a recheck in 2 weeks and the final determination will be made at that time. If I need surgery anywhere, it's likely going to be my knee. My knee has more damage to it than initially thought.

4) My ankle is now stabilized in a cushion surrounded by steel boot. While it's heavy and a pain to hobble around in, it's also great! Between the cushion and the steel, my ankle is completely immobilized. This includes when I put some pressure on the foot, which is allowing me to place my foot down while using the crutches. I have a much greater amount of stability and a lot less pain due to the very limited / no motion of the foot any longer. Yay for that!

Ok, so why this Doctor is a complete loser. I got to my appointment and got back to the exam room no problem. The nurses were all great and very patient with me, given that I move very slow on the crutches. After about 5 minutes in the room I hear a deeper voiced gentleman talking on the phone outside the room and I 'jokingly' said to Dave, that must be my Doctor. I was actually pretty happy with the fact because I figured it'd be a couple minutes more and then he'd be in the room with me .. woohoo! No no no. His phone conversation lasted about another 15 minutes, and this 15 minute conversation wasn't all medical. It started that way, but then it turned into a very chatty, visiting with a friend type of conversation. Ok ... so I'm starting to get annoyed.

Finally, he gets off the phone and I'm thinking 'Thank God, he's coming.. ". NOPE! He stood around in the hall, right outside the door of the exam room, chit chatting with the nurses and other Doctors for another 15-20 minutes. About skiing, and steak, and this amazing shrimp he had that tasted so good it was like lobster with every bite and how his two favorite hobbies were skiing and eating!!!!!!! .. On and on and on!!!!!!!! I would've left if my injury wasn't so severe and I thought I could quickly see someone else. However, I knew both of those things would take more time so I decided to suck it up.

So, after 30-40 minutes of listening to his chitchat, he comes into the room and introduces himself and asks me to get up onto the table. (I had taken a seat in the chair as the nurse suggested due to my inability to get onto the table). I looked at him with kind of a blank stare for a moment and explained that I couldn't put any weight on the foot/leg and so I couldn't get onto the table. He looked at Dave and then me and said you've got this man here with you, I'm sure you can manage it okay, said he'd be right back, and left. Ooooooook....... so, with Dave's assistance, I did get up onto the flat table with very little problem. Ok, he was right about that, no biggie. He comes back in and asks me to turn around on the table so I'm facing the other way. (my leg was on the far side of him, silly error on my part) As I start to swing around he grabs ahold of my bad ankle to try and assist me and I froze. I calmly explained that him holding onto my ankle hurts ... he continues to try and help me turn while holding my ankle ... I explain again to *PLEASE* let go of my ankle because it hurts and I'll shift around. He dense brain finally understands and I turn and lay down facing the other direction. At this point as I'm sure you all can understand, I'm concerned and worried. Mr Morris (since I don't even feel he deserves to be called Doctor anymore) seems very distracted and hurried, BUT I think to myself, the exam will be over soon, so I can make it through this and go from there.

I explain to Mister Morris my accident, what happened, and the type of pain I've been in. He starts by trying to lay my leg flat. I explain I can't do that because my heel will be pressing down on the table and pressure on the heel hurts too. He seems annoyed by this point. So he props a small pillow under my calf to make it so I can straighten at the knee completely....... and he starts to prod my knee. Ok, let me clarify that I understand that an exam of an injury hurts, it can really hurt sometimes because the Doctor is trying to figure out how severe the problem is, HOWEVER, if the Doctor is a good Doctor they tend to listen to their patient and make sure they're not going to kill them in the process. As Mr. Morris began examining my knee I instantly tensed up because it was instantly very painful, I very clearly said, that's really really hurting while gasping at the small prods he was making. He muttered in my direction, "I know I know.. I need to do the exam though.. give me a moment". He then proceeded to push HARD down on the knee. I didn't grunt, groan, gasp ... I screamed. You can ask Dave or anyone else that knows me, I pretty much don't scream, especially in a Doctors office as it'd be embarassing, but it hurt just that bad. I screamed and instantly burst into tears and begged him, "please.. please please stop ... you're hurting me so bad". Low and behold that did get through to him and he stopped and moved onto my ankle. Thankfully he only did small rotations and softer prodding in that area to get his 'exam' done.

He ordered a few more xrays, left the room, and I turned to Dave who looked ready to go after the guy and tear his head off and said, "He might as well have thrown the damn horse on me again with how badly he just hurt me."

The new xrays were also negative and that was pretty much the end of the traumatizing experience. His kind and gentle nurses took care of the rest thank God. They scheduled me for a 2 week followup (which won't be kept) and I was on my way in my new, heavy, clunky, but comfortable steel boot.

Anyhow, I'll be writing a letter to the Doctor who referred me to him, because I think that Dr (who was very kind) should know what an idiot this guy is and I'll also be finding out if there's a clinic manager that I can write to at the location Mr. Morris works at. Mr. Morris who's at least 70 years old and should have retired 45 years ago based on what I saw of his care today.

Thanks again for your support everyone ... I'll keep you all update to date!

Horseback Riding Accident

2009-03-31T18:42:00.002-05:00

So... I thought it would be a good idea to write about the accident here and then post it on my Facebook as well as my standard blog. I've had a few questions and know there will be more, so this is an excellent way to answer everyone at once! :)

For those who don't know, I lease a horse named Rebel. He's a beautiful stocky Paint who stands at 15'2 and weighs approximately 1200 pounds.
Rebel has some old bad habits with his gaits and so I've been working hard to teach him to canter correctly. Slow, easy, controlled, while bending. He's struggling to learn but overall doing fairly well. He has stumbled with me on him, but never come completely down on me. That all changed last night...
We had been riding for about 30 minutes, he was nice and warmed up, and I took him into the round pen as it helps keep him well in control and forces somewhat of a bend. We picked up the canter, he was doing so *great*, but then broke his stride into a fast trot. I squeezed with my legs to push him back into the canter and when he went to pick it up, he stumbled ... didn't regain his balance ... and went all the way down.

I felt him falling, kicked my feet free and hit the ground with my hands and forearms first, catching myself; and for a millisecond thought I was okay, until I felt his body come down on top of my left leg. They say to judge your pain on a scale of 0-10, this was by far a 10 on the pain scale and I screamed louder than I probably ever have.

Next door to the stables I ride at is a mental institute and one of the men who work there was outside taking a break and saw most of it happen. He scaled their 12 foot chainlink fence (landing in a pile of horse poo on the other side I might add) and was almost instantly at my side. Total sweetheart. He had a friend call 911, and by that time the barn manager and several others were by my side as well.

..............and... I apologize but I'm going to have to finish working on this later due to my mixture of codeine and tylenol having knocked me out again. I can't keep my eyes open. Write more later....

So... funny thing... I had to re-read everything I typed earlier due to the meds because I couldn't really remember any of it.

Anyhow, the firetruck paramedics got to the stables first. After checking my head, neck, back, and hips and being assured everything was alright in those areas they went to my foot. Sadly I was sobbing and begging to just pass out the whole time. I just wanted the pain to stop. One of the paramedics was so extra kind, he kneeled down next to me and started to talk gently to me, asking me random misc questions and asking me to breathe his speed (I was hyperventilating). I appreciated him so much. He's also the one who held my hands and let me scream practically directly into his face while they unzipped my riding boot and pulled it off.

About 10 minutes in the ambulance got there and they loaded me up onto a stretcher and into the back of the ambulance. Again, the paramedics were wonderful. They were very sympathetic to the amount of pain I was in and quickly got an IV started. Oh, before they loaded me into the ambulance they had to stabilize my foot/ankle with a pillow and ace bandage and that's when I first realized the deformed angle my foot was laying at. Despite my begging for them to not touch it and leave it alone, they had to stabilize it and gently talked me through the process. I've felt pain before people, all kinds of pain. Multiple surgery recoveries, broken bones, labor, etc .. this pain I can pretty easily say topped them all.

Once the IV was started they administered my first pain meds and I could've kissed them all in gratitude. Within about 60 seconds my pain of a crying whimpering 10 went down to a breathing easy 2.

We arrived at the hospital and about everything went standard from there. The male paramedics handed me over to the female nurses at the hospital and disappeared fairly quickly. The nurses I had were excellent too. They kept a steady dose of morphine going that had me very loopy and not very aware of anything going on around me. The Dr came into see me and ordered the xrays, he said that he was fairly certain it was either broken or dislocated due to the angle of the foot which at this point was hugely swollen.

It was during his exam that we realized that my knee was also fairly badly injured. I hadn't felt any pain there as of yet, but when he was examining me and pushed down on my knee, I just about shot into the ceiling panels. Ouch! So... xrays ordered for the knee too.

As a surprise to us both. The xray came back with no breaks and no dislocations. The bad news that goes with that is that the injury is worse than either of those and will take longer to heal. As the Dr stated, I have a severe amount of muscle, tissue, and ligament damage. That damage is why my ankle/foot was hanging at such a gross angle; ya see, most of the tissue that holds it in place is torn up. Same diagnosis for the knee, though not quite to the same severity. Additionally, my knee is having some pretty severe sharp pains which may indicate something else is wrong.

The Dr in the ER referred me to a Orthopedic surgeon that I'll be seeing this Thursday at 8:30am. My guess is that he'll be doing an MRI to determine the extent of the damage and we'll go from there.

Until further notice I'm pretty much bedridden. I'm taking codeine with tylenol and will be taking Ultram (? - I think) once we get it from the pharmacy today. The foot and knee need to be above my heart level so being on my back in bed is about the only fix. Thank goodness for laptops.

Anyhow, I'll keep everyone posted on how things go and what the verdict is after my appointment on Thursday.

Thursday Thunk by the Thunkers

2009-03-26T19:57:00.002-05:00

It's something to do to pass the time ... it works ...

1. What is your favorite type of soda (if you drink soda)? Diet Coke when I drink it. I don't do soda very often.

2. Do you believe in astrology? If so, what does your sign say about you? To a point. I'm a Gemini which is often considered the "twins" sign. It fits me well. I'm one person but feel like two fairly often in my life and mind. I'm also incredibly indecisive all the time.

3. Who is John Galt? I have absolutely no idea. I could google it, but I'm not. :)

4. What is the last thing you do before you go to sleep at night? Depends on the night. Read, snuggle, take my meds.

5. Who's your Daddy? Uhm.. well. Technically he's the dude that was the owner of the little spermy that went after my Mommy's egg and created me. :) His first name was David. The majority of his life was lived well loving me and his family. RIP Dad.

6. Jelly beans or Jelly Bellies? OOooh either or please!

7. What do you think about yellow cars? Why car manufacturers actually made yellow cars? They're not for me, but I suppose manufacturers make them cause some peeps like them.

8. Holding on or Letting go? Right now, I can't really answer this question completely. I'm trying to hold on though.

9. What kind of underwear, if any, do you wear? Bikini cut

10. Who is your daddy and what does he do? Uhm. Didn't we already go there? I don't know what he does - it all depends on what was waiting for him in the afterlife.

11. Spring - is it here yet? Sure is! I'm in Florida.

12. Does Google Streetview scare you? No. I find it kind of handy.

13. What is your favorite brand of ice cream? Skinny Cow

14. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Chocolate and Vanilla together

15. Do you ever get tired of your everyday routine? All the time.

16. What inspires you? My friends and my family.

17. It’s springtime-do you spend more time outdoors? Yep.

18. When do you think Bud will let us see the DVD of him and the french twins? HA! I actually know what this question is referring to. Probably never.

19. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you, and why? There are multiple places. Arizona - where my Mom, Sis, and nephew are. Seattle - where my other Sis and Brother are. Arkansas - where most of my Fayne family is located.

20. Why do you blog? Fun, journalling, the need to vent, etc.

21. What are electrolytes and why are they good for us? You're kidding right? I'm so not trying to go there.

22. Do you twitter? Why or why not? Nope. My twitter is broken.

23. What did you dream last night? I don't remember.

24. What is the strangest thing you've eaten? Hmm.. I've had snails. That's pretty weird. They were really REALLY good, buttery, and garlicky. I also love sushi so most types of raw seafood I've tried.

25. What was the last picture that you took? Pictures from Gulf Wars. Not sure what the last one was of.

26. What is your favorite part of spring? Fresh flowers. The smell of the earth after it's a long rain. Sunny days that have a light breeze so they're not too hot.

27. what is one thing that you did this past week that no one knows about? Well, someone would know about it if I wrote it here. :) Although I honestly can't think of anything I've done that no one knows about.

28. What kind of bandages do you typically have in your household? All types. My hubby is a SCA Fighter.

Direction

2009-03-25T13:53:00.002-05:00

I feel like I'm standing in the center. The center of my life perhaps? I don't really know. I don't know a lot right now. I feel lost, empty, and devoid of emotion. How is that possible? How do you feel completely lost and stuck and so empty at the same time. I need something to make sense.
North, South, East, West. In my head they're all representing a different direction I could go right now. Oh yes, and let's not forget Northwest, Northeast, Southwest, Southeast. Longitude and Latitude. 5 degrees or 165 degrees. *sigh*
I need a compass. I need something to show me the right way to move.
I think I should feel fear -- fear of setting out and having it be the wrong way. Yet, I don't feel even fear right now. These last few days I've felt content with taking a seat in this emptiness and not moving anywhere.
If I start to move without a compass I could start moving North and not even know I'm going South.
The sky is dark, there are no stars to guide me. No moon. No sun. No compass.

I have no answers right now. I'm sorry. Please don't enter my darkness, my emptiness, having another soul present won't help. I need a compass. I need the stars. I need the sun and the moon. I need my mind to open itself again.

Friday Fill-In #115

2009-03-13T00:10:00.003-05:00

And...here we go!

1. When I look to the left, I see my husband.

2. The livingroom is the room that has the best view in my home.

3. Let it work until it's finished.

4. Handmade snoods done dirt cheap!

5. Maturity is a responsibility that all qualified citizens must share.

6. If you have any chocolate feel free share some!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sleep, tomorrow my plans include making a 12 hour drive to Mississipi and Sunday, I want to celebrate with my SCA family!

I had a nose stuck in my ear ...

2009-03-11T22:41:00.003-05:00

... okay, it sounded like a good title and it gave me an excuse to write. A moment ago Dave went to kiss my cheek, I tilted my head, and his nose stuck right into my ear hard. It was funny in a random sort of way.

Monday I did some pottery painting, tomorrow I'm doing some sewing and Dave is doing some armor making. Last Sunday I did archery (super fun!) and helped with the "feast", which is essentially a potluck but with all the recipes being "period". Things are generally made from the 1500 or 1600's.

Fun fact, you can't use tomatoes when cooking for feast, because it was believed they were poisonous. Quote from a website, "Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous." It wasn't the tomatoes silly people! .. but they didn't know that. Credit to: http://historymedren.about.com/od/dailylifesociety/a/bod_tomatoes.htm

This Saturday we leave for our week and a half vacation. No internet for us during that time because we'll be CAMPING!!!!!!!!!!! Woot!!! .. Not just camping. We'll be camping with 3k - 4k people. :) This is an SCA event in itself that takes place in Mississipi. If you feel like learning about it, you can go to: http://www.gulfwars.org/ As long as you don't mind roughing it, it's a freaking blast.

It's super late and unforunately I have 2 more days of work before vaca. Bleh. Off to bed with me!

Stuff

2009-02-09T21:06:00.005-06:00

Although I'm still not really in the mood to write. I'm in enough of a mood that I feel like I can write somewhat. Who knows, maybe writing tonight will get my writing juices flowing again!

Life has been hard and it's been difficult to stay upbeat at times. Dave and I took the liberty of doing a couple of activites in January, his birthday and my horse show, and we're paying for it by not having any funds. Today I went to a Doctors appointment and had to ask for samples as I cannot afford to pay even a $10 copay. The Doctor I saw was wonderful, I plan in to send a great review about him; he set me up with a couple samples and then looked through his computer system to switch my prescription to a slightly cheaper version that I can get at the Walmart pharmacy. We have to wait and see if it works okay for me; my fingers are crossed.

I see my psychiatrist next week and I'm crossing fingers and hoping for the same thing. My copay for my most important medication, Depakote, is $40. $40! Right now, that's a huge amount of money to us. The problem is that while we've switched me off of Depakote in the past (for other reasons) it turned out to be a very bad switch. I'm not sure what we're going to have to do in this situation. I'm not a big fan of this physician or the office so I'm not even sure if she'll put forth the effort to help.

Dave continues to hunt for a job. Constantly. No matter how many resumes he sends out, there's little to no response. It doesn't matter if it's for Customer Service, Help Desk, or a Manager's position.

I *AM* grateful that we are still making it. I *AM* grateful that when it comes down to paying bills, somehow there's always just enough to make it. I *AM grateful that so far, I've not had to give up Rebel. I feel like that dear horse is one of the only things that keeps me sane half the time.

I still ride Rebel several days a week, but we won't be doing any more shows. Not unless Dave happens to land a job at some point in the next couple of months. The show season ends in April/May due to the heat in Florida. My hope is that by the time the show season starts up again (October/November) we'll be in a position to attend every monthly show.

Blah

2009-01-30T22:14:00.003-06:00

I have been so crappy about writing. I don't feel like writing now, so I'm just making a short entry to say, I need to write, I should write, but alas ... I still don't feel like it.

Things I should write about:
January 23rd - Dave's birthday, I took him deep sea fishing.
January 25th - My first competition with Rebel, I got 2 third place ribbons.

I have some great pics of both events. I have good stories from both events.

I need to post the pics and write. I will soon.

Friday Fill-ins Meme #106

2009-01-09T12:41:00.002-06:00

Bold is what I was given to start with. The writing that is not in bold is what I wrote.

1. It's January; and it's 75 degrees outside. Culture shock!!!

2. Cuddles is what I crave most right now. I'm super cuddly when I don't feel well.

3. Cork and wine go together like cannolis and cream.

4. Water is so nourishing. I hate drinking it without some kind of non-calorie flavor though.

5. Let us dare to be bare! Being naked rocks!

6. I'm still getting used to this new place that is now called my home.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing Rebel, tomorrow my plans include spending some time with the boys and then going to an event in the evening, and Sunday, I want to grocery shop and then relax! Lazy day!

Feeling halfway normal

2009-01-09T12:19:00.007-06:00

This horrible flu I've had seems to finally be letting up. There were a few days that I felt like I was practically on deaths door. Twice during the last week I felt some slight fear when Dave had to go to work and I was home alone. Between, exhaustion, dizziness, the inability to eat or drink for several hours at a time - I was honestly slightly concerned. I kept my cellphone close by for emergency each time I moved (even to go to the bathroom) and it all worked out in the end. I still need to take at least one nap during the day, but for the most part, the bone weary dead exhaustion seems to have left. I'm still waiting on my labs, which were drawn on Tuesday, and supposed to be rushed. (?!?!!?!?!) Perhaps I don't understand how it works, but it doesn't seem like a rush to me. I'll probably try to call the Dr's office again today to see if there's any update.

I plan to go out and see Rebel tonight for the first time in 8 days, I'm super excited. I probably won't ride, or if I do it'll be very limited. I don't want to push it. I'm just excited to see his big hairy furry soft self and snuggle into his neck. :)

I've decided that I need to start posting more pictures on my blog. I've gotten a bit of feedback in this regard. I'd also like to find a way to have more blogger friends. Currently I don't have anyone that I really share comments with or visit regularly. I also don't know if someone visits my blog regularly. If there's someone out there and you come here often --- shoot me a comment and let me know! I'd love to know that I have a follower! :)

Drumming

2009-01-06T22:32:00.002-06:00

I've been sleeping a lot recently, mostly because I seem to have some kind of severe flu. The last two days I've slept about 16-18 hours out of a 24 hour day. Dreadful. I did see a Dr today that ran a bunch of blood tests - hopefully this is just the flu, but if not, we'll at least be able to address it quickly. I don't think it's anything major.

Anyways.. onto drumming.. tonight, as Dave and I were falling asleep very early (around 8pm) my mind was wandering a bit and sleep was hard to come by even though I felt exhausted. Then, I started hearing this noise, it sounded like, drumming ... what the? Dave was partially still awake and I said, "is that drums?", I received a very insightful, "ughhh, nuu.. hmm.. yuuuh, thik so". I listened awhile longer and was delighted to realize, yes! .. it was drumming! Not someone with a drum set drumming, but a few people drumming with singular (dumbek) drums and to a rythme that was obvoiusly drum circle drumming! I have a lot of friends on here that are in the SCA that know exactly what I'm referring to, and several other friends that probably have a good idea as well. I don't know where they came from, where they were, or why they were playing - but it brought a peace and happiness to my soul a few hours ago that helped me drift into a beautiful sleep. (to bad the sleep only lasted for 3 hours, lol).

Drumming automatically brings me memories of my favorite event each year, Gulf Wars. It's a week of pure happiness to me. It brings me happy memories of my SCA Family who I see so infrequently, but adore and love all the same. It brings wonderful memories of falling asleep every night to the sound of rythmic drumming.

It's difficult and somewhat impossible to explain to someone who hasn't experienced an event. I'll just say, it was a perfect few moments tonight before I drifted to sleep.

Just breathe

2009-01-04T22:42:00.003-06:00

Breathe a sigh of relief. Breathe in the New Year. "Just Breathe", that short sentence is one that runs through my mind fairly often. It's one that's made the difference between completely losing it and making it through a few more minutes or a few more hours. A good friend told me long ago that when life is too overwhelming, it seems you have no strength left, you've hit rock bottom, or you feel it just isn't worth it anymore, to remember one thing - all you have to do is keep breathing. Just breathe. In and out.

2008 was a hard year for me, I can easily say 1000 times over that I'm glad 2008 is over. It's odd how we associate new beginnings with a new year isn't it? When it's truly just additional days added on top of each other. Yet, I'll stick with the belief that a new year brings new things. I had a lot of rough spots in 2008, my marriage had a lot of struggles, and I went through a lot of emotional and physical changes. For those who don't know me well, I hate hate hate change. I don't deal with it well.

2009 starts with me continuing on in what still feels like a new place and new life here in Florida. One of the biggest struggles I've had down here is missing my friends from Boston and longing for a close friendship. I've made several great aquantinces so far and I appreciate all of them - but good friends take a lot of time - or it takes a special link that causes a bond between two people quickly. I long for it. I cry for it. In the meantime I have had my horse, my dear Rebel to take my time and keep me busy. Horses are great, but depression has been slowly seeping back into my life and getting worse. So, I will take action and if I need to, beat the hell of out depression to make it get back into control. I'm going to continue spending time with my horse and horse friends, I'm going to setup a PCP to make sure I'm taking good care of myself, I'm going to become involved with the SCA down in Florida where I believe both Dave and I can find some like minded people. I'm not going to lounge around all day in only PJ's. I have set the goals and I'm going to continue to reach for them.

Another continued change in 2009 will be my weight. It's still coming off at an average of about 6 pounds a month, give or take a couple. I'm not sure I wrote about it, but about 3 weeks ago I dropped below 200 pounds. It was amazing. It is the first time in my adult life I've been below 200 pounds. Yet it also created some tension for a few weeks, I was SO scared that I was going to gain a couple of pounds and see the scale read 201 again. Deep down I knew even if I did, it would be a fluxuation and I'd be below 200 again; but having finally made it below and the possibility of going over again really did freak me out. I waited a couple of weeks, then weighed again. I went from 198.6 to 196.6. Whew! .. but as silly as it was, I was still tense. Well, Happy New Year to me, on 1/2/09 I weighed again and it was 194.8. I didn't know until I got on the scale that being below 195 would make me breathe a sigh of relief, but it certainly did. Being over 200 didn't seem like it would happen anymore. Now, don't get me wrong, I fully understand and believe that if I don't continue my new way of living with food, it's very possible to be over 200 again. However, I truly have the belief and determination to not let that happen. Ever, again.

It's late at night, just after midnight to be exact and I haven't been feeling to well recently. I've slept a lot today which is why I've stayed up so late. I'm unsure if I'll make it into work tomorrow to be honest, so I'm going to head to bed.

Hooray for a New Year, bring it on 2009.

Almost through the End of the Year Holidays

2008-12-30T22:46:00.002-06:00

It's a short post ... sorry, I just haven't felt much like writing recently.

Christmas was good. My sister asked me to describe the day to her in 3 words; I believe I said, "fun, great, and lonely." It was SO wonderful to have my Mom with me. I'm still enjoying her company now. However, I'm used to a big family, lots of happiness, lots of nice, lots of hugs, lots of tradition, lotsa lotsa lotsa. I missed it this year. I took for granted the couple of times in the last few years that I spent Christmas Day with Dave's family -- I had lonely moments then as well, but it was still a larger adult group and we had a lot of fun. I really am working to not focus on the negative but I seem to use my blog to vent a lot. It was really amazing to have the boys on Christmas morning, it was a good time and they were loud and silly and excited. I'm glad that Lisa (Dave's ex-wife) was so kind to let us have them Christmas Eve and morning.

Anyways, I'll likely write more about all this sometime soon. It's midnight and Dave, Mom, and myself need to head off to bed.

Manic Monday #147

2008-12-22T19:32:00.002-06:00

http://manicmondaymeme.blogspot.com/

If you were at a friend’s house for a holiday dinner and you found a dead cockroach in your salad, what would you do? If it's a friend, tell her / him. I wouldn't want them to be eating anything that might have come in contact with it either! I'd try to make her / him be at ease by trying to laugh it off. Here in Florida cockroaches happen sometimes, even when your house is spotless.

If you could put anyone you know on Prozac, who would you choose? Uhm. No one. Mental medication needs to be a personal choice and something worked out with your Doctor to be the right med and the right doseage. Now .. if I'm being sarcastic and silly .. I'd say my ex. hehe.

How do you feel about public displays of affection? Love it. As long as it's not overboard. Holding hands, peck kisses, sitting next to each other, etc. People who blantantly maul each other in public and make out like crazy, need to wait to get home or get a room!

Unconscious Mutterings #308

2008-12-21T21:39:00.002-06:00

I found this through someone elses website, that I found through Sunday Stealing. I think I just need to write tonight and so it was another thing for me to do.

I say ... and you think ... ?

Carpet ::

Bottoms ::

Music ::

Nails ::

Watch it! ::

Your life ::

Candies ::

Chafing ::

Svelte ::

Ding ::

Hopefully the first thing that came to my mind didn't have to be just one word. I suppose I get to play how I decide to play here.

Sunday Stealing Meme from the Screaming Masses

2008-12-21T21:13:00.004-06:00

Who knows, maybe it'll bring some cheer.

1. What is a nickname a former (or present) lover gave you? Yummycheeks.

2. How do you style your hair? If you just would say "cut" what style is it? I don't really style my hair. I wash it, I brush it when it's dry. I've never been big on doing anything with it. It's a bit longer than shoulder length, parted on one side or the other depending on how I flip it.

3. What's your least favorite Christmas song? Grandma got ran over by a reindeer. It's an annoying song.

4. How many colors are you wearing now? 3 or 5, depending on if you count the different shades. 2 shades of blue, 2 shades of red, and silver. My t-shirt has a some crazy designs and says "Girls Against Boys".

5. Are you an introvert or extrovert? A mixture of both. It really depends on the time and the people I'm around.

6. What was the last book you read? Currently reading Book 10 in the Wheel of Time Series. Last one read was Book 9.

7. What's one piece of fiction that changed your life? Honestly, I'm not sure, I can't think of anything like that right now.

8. If you are attracted to someone who is already in a relationship (or married), what might do you do? Nothing, other than be their friend.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy recently? HA! .. a lot, see previous post.

10. What's your favorite dessert? Cheesecake, all kinds.

11. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? About 30 seconds. I work from home, I roll out of bed and onto the computer. If I'm going somewhere, about 20-30 minutes.

12. Name one website that you visit daily. Why do you read it? yahoo.com and gmail.com for my emails.

13. What was your last job before either you are at home or at another job?? Last job before my current was working for Pampered Chef as a Consultant. I've considered starting up again, I was just way to busy at the time.

14. Do you like to clean? In general, no. When I'm stressed or upset, it helps relax me.

15. What was the last song to get stuck in your head? A stupid Christmas song that I made up in my mind this morning, it was crazy.

16. What's the last movie you saw? In the theatre or at home? Theatre: Transporter 3. Home: Pineapple Express at my sisters house.

17. Pirates or Ninjas? Pirates (as Dave states) are way to over done right now, however, I do prefer them over ninjas.

18. What is your least favorite thing to do that you have to do everyday? Take all my medication.

19. Best time of your life? It's hard to choose a time. Partially because I've been through so many rough things and partially because I'm feeling so negative right now. First thing I can think of, I was single for 2 years prior to meeting Dave and learned a lot about my own independence.

20. What are you most looking forward to in the coming year? Continued weight loss and the slight glimmer of hope that maybe.. just maybe.. we'll become financially stable again at some point in the year.

Life - is it like this for everyone?

2008-12-21T21:00:00.002-06:00

I really have to wonder, is life tough for everyone most of the time? Is there ever a point of contentment when there isn't stress of some sort every single day? I think I need to speak to some older people and ask. If this is the constant, I'm not sure how the majority of the population makes it to old age.

Sometimes I really hate myself when I whine, I know so many people have it harder. I know there are people homeless, people being abused, people permanently disabled, people living in a nursing home from a young age for the rest of their lives. What right do I have to bitch about my constant state of discontent.

I have good moments, I have good hours, I even occasionally have a full day that I make it through without negative thoughts. Overall though, stress and discontent seems to rule my life right now.

We moved here 4 months ago and yet I still having f'ing boxes all throughout the house. Against the wall in my livingroom, my diningroom, my spare bedroom, my closet, my bedroom; really, every room except the kitchen and the bathroom. I hate it, I hate living with clutter, yet I find no motivation to work on it when half the time if feels like only my motivation. Dave is a procrastinator (as am I at times), but worst of all I have to push and push and push to get help around the house if extra things need to be done. Tomorrow, yet again, will be one of those days. I've no doubt that we'll be angry at each other at some point.

Money, we have none. Literally in fact!!! Our accounts are completely overdrawn effective today and effective yesterday, both of our major credit cards are to the maximum limit. HOORAY! Financial hell! Dave gets his first paycheck tomorrow (hopefully - it's coming by mail) which will be for 1 week at his whoopin' $6 that 'fuck you very much' Sears pays him. I get paid on this upcoming Friday, but our rent is due the 1st of the month which will use up the entire check. We haven't paid our electric bill or car payment which are already late, and our credit cards, cell phone, and ring payment are all due by the 1st of the month! Oh yes, and we of course have child support that we need to make sure is there on time as well!

I currently want to give up, to crawl into a hole and disappear from life, to let go of everything and just not care. I'm SO tired of taking all of this on! I'm SO angry at the moment that we made this move to Florida! Right now, kids or no kids, I don't care, I want stability!

I hate this.

Friday Fill-Ins #103

2008-12-19T21:44:00.002-06:00

I like this meme, it's fun because you can be serious in your answers, or let the creative juices flow and say outright silly things.

The direction for this meme was to fill in the correct lyrics, or make up ones of your own. I think I'm going to chose the later option, it goes with my mood.

1. Said the night wind to the little lamb, sleep baby sleep.
2. The first Noel, the angel did say, the world will at some point completely change the meaning of this day.
3. Sing, run, laugh and play, over the hills and everywhere.
4. It came upon the midnight clear, a spaceship! .. I swear!
5. Coronary Bypass Graft x3 and , Let your heart be light.
6. And the thing that will make them ring is the carol that you sing over and over again until it drives them crazy and they ring you on the head with a steel pipe.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to rest, tomorrow my plans include relaxation and Rebel, and Sunday, I want to meet with the trainer that did so well with Rebel before. It's in the works!

Oh "F" this.

2008-12-18T21:53:00.002-06:00

What a day from hell. What a world full of hell - at least it sure seems like it at the moment. I'm listening to hate music and I'm going to write for a bit, that's part of what this blog is for, right?

-Dave is angry and depressed, he doesn't want to talk. I don't know why.
-Rebel acted messed up tonight, that was kind of expected, he hasn't seen me in a week.
-My best friend has split with her boyfriend. They're both hurting and it's hard as hell to try and sit back on my heels and stay out of it. I care about them both and loved them together. I have no idea if it will work out but right now I have such a strong emotional connection with this friend I feel like I'm feeling part of her hurt and pain.
-Work has so much drama going on right now it could become it's own highschool play.

Annnnnnnnnnnnd... I have a phone call from my dear friend referenced above. No more long ranting for now.

Wednesday Weirdness #34

2008-12-17T17:30:00.002-06:00

A meme that always has some of the most off the wall questions! http://wednesdayweird.blogspot.com/

1. What is the one sexual act you would never do? Anything involving kids or scat.

2. Is there anyone you know, that if they turned out to be a serial killer you would not be surprised? Uhm, no.

3. What is the most annoying thing about the holiday season for you? The large crowds and not being able to move through stores.

4. If you saw a video of your celebrity crush picking their nose, would that change your opinion of their hotness? Nope, I don't think it would.

5. What is the one non-sexual thing you would be embarrassed to be caught doing? Singing and dancing around the room by myself.

6. A favorite blogger friend wrote a column about the one word that really turns her on. Do you have a word or phrase that does the same for you? What is it? Not one that I'm going to share here. :)

7. As someone who ran a virtual cookie exchange, I have to ask what your favorite cookie is? Chewy chocolate chip

Manic Monday #146

2008-12-15T10:50:00.003-06:00

Found Here - http://manicmondaymeme.blogspot.com/ - for those who might want the link back.

Have you ever returned an item to a store for a refund after having used it? I have, because sometimes you use something and it breaks. I don't believe I've ever bought something and returned it after using it and the item was still just fine.

You are going out for the evening. If your partner objects to what you are wearing, would you change your clothing? Most definitely. My husband is complimentary and if he objects to something I know it's because something is very wrong with it.

What item that you don’t currently possess would you most like to have in your home? Oooo.. that's a hard choice. Top of my list, all new and matching furniture for each room. If it has to be a singular item I'd say a PS3.

Bettie Page - RIP lovely woman

2008-12-15T10:40:00.004-06:00

She was an icon, she was beautiful, she was sensual, and she stands out in my mind as one of my heroes. She went against the tide, believed in herself, and didn't conform to society. In her later years she gave up modelling, her bikinis, and her lingerie (as they say) and became a Christian woman, but this in itself isn't a negative thing and no one should see it as such. It was simply a change that she wished to make. I haven't read a word that stated she ever regretted her past and I truly believe she never did.

My God she was an amazing woman.

RIP Bettie Page, I'll always remember you, your beauty and spirit.

Sunday Stealing: The Christmas Meme

2008-12-14T13:35:00.002-06:00

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Almost always wrapping paper. I *love* wrapping presents. Family and friends recruit my help if I'm close by.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Real, real, real, and more real. Nothing can replace the wonderful fresh smell of pine. I've used tiny artificial trees at work before, but I try to always use a fresh one at home.

3. When do you put up the tree? Couple of weeks after Thanksgiving usually.

4. When do you take the tree down? Within a week after Christmas.

5. Do you like eggnog? Nope. That whole raw egg thing has always kind of grossed me out. Overall I'm really not a big fan.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Hm, that's a hard one. I don't remember most of my childhood. I do remember the year my parents bought us the original Nintendo, there was some extreme excitement that morning!

7. Hardest person to buy for? Dad-in-law and Brother-in-law.

8. Easiest person to buy for? Any of my sisters or Mom. They always provide great lists.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Nope.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Neither actually; this year I'm going to try and send a few out for the first time.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? The first thing that comes to mind was a gift exchange I was doing with a group of women... I actually can't remember what the group was for, perhaps the young woman's group for church. Anyway, one of the women bought and brought a sweater that was a size medium and you guessed it, I picked that gift. I was a size XL and didn't come close to fitting in it. Kind of random and weird that someone would buy that kind of a gift for an exchange.

12. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Hmm.. I love spiral ham.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? As soon as possible! .. Generally I try to start buying main gifts up to a couple of months prior to Christmas.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? You mean regifting? Heh.. yeah.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? The different appetizers and candies my Mom would always home make. Cheese balls, salmon dip, coconut joys, almond roca, etc.

16. Lights on the tree? Always! Always a solid color, generally white. I've done just red before too.

17. Favorite Christmas song? "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" and "Silver Bells"

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel. My family lives all over the place.

19. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star. We've always done stars as a family and had a tradition every year to go out and buy a new star.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Family tradition has always been that we open one present Christmas Eve and the rest Christmas morning. I like the tradition and will probably always stick with it.

Friday Fill-in

2008-12-12T19:49:00.002-06:00

1. Friends, I don't have many, but those I do have I cherish.

2. My health; it's pretty decent.

3. I'm ready for sleep. I seem to be tired a lot recently.

4. Cool water is one of my favorite perfumes or aftershaves or smells.

5. The oldest ornament I have is my son's 1st Christmas ornament (that his parents sent me) is the oldest I own I believe.

6. Take some sugar, cinnamon, bread, butter, and toaster mix it all together and you have cinnamon toast! (I know, random)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to spending more time with my family, tomorrow my plans include spending time with my family and Sunday, I want to spend more time with my family!

Couple of updates

2008-12-09T21:59:00.003-06:00

First and most exciting. I hit onederland!!!!!!!!!!!! I cried a little. I had Dave grab the camera and take a picture of the scale. I need to take some new pictures of myself and get them up. Before and afters and all that. This journey has been full of ups and downs, but it is all worth it and I'd do it 1000 times over. I have less than 40 pounds to goal and I will continue to work with my tool until I get there.

In other news, I got in a bad horseback riding accident with Rebel two nights ago. The good news, nothing is broken. I got incredibly lucky. The bad news. I hurt everywhere! It's similar to having whiplash in my back after a car accident, except my arms and left shoulder are also killing me. Rebel is very very well trained at a walk/trot and has come so far in the last 3 months. His trot used to be out of control - fast / slow / fast / slow - head up in the air, nuts really. However, long hard work has resulted in him getting better and better and he's lovely to ride at a walk/trot now.. His canter on the other hand we've mostly not touched. It's not only out of control, it's dangerous. When I'm working with him, even though I'm functioning as his trainer, I always make sure someone else is on site and close by if I'm going to canter. We're working on it, but he is still dangerous at it. To give a little background, the problem is that Rebel used to be a barrel racer. His owner would do nothing but get on his back and run run run at a dead run. This has resulted in his mind not understanding anything but head-on, dead to the bit, mind-blowing, muscle tensed hard running with no control. Someone would think, "well just pull him back and force him into control," but unfortunately it doesn't work that way when he's had 7 years of the other engraved into his head. It will take months, possibly more to fix. Anyhow, generally I canter him in the round-pen, it forces him to have some control and eliminates the possibility of him grabbing the bit in his teeth and pulling the control from me. Frankly, where's he going to go? Other than in a small circle around and around. This is why round-pens are used a lot in training. He's been slowly improving but has a long way to go. My error in the accident is that I trusted we had made enough progress to take him into the field arena. (much larger, tons of room, trees, bushes, etc). Earlier in the day I did it with no other horses in the arena and he did pretty well. Mostly out of control, but we had a few moments that he maintained a steady pace. So.. okay. We continue to ride with others at a walk/trot and we're finishing up for the day, I decide it'd be good to end the day with one last round of cantering. (I really have to say each time I say canter its like a joke since I think of a canter as calm and controlled and his is far from it). Anyhow, 3 other horses in the arena, I move him into the canter and he tweaks, almost running over the top of the other horses. This results in some serious, "WTF"'s from all of us, a punishing tight circle to bring him back into control, and a comment from me of "sorry guys, let me try that one more time." This in general wasn't a mistake; like training with other animals, if they do something incredibly wrong, you don't stop on that note, you try again until you get it right. I truly thought there would be no problem in asking him for the canter again, afterall, he had done it semi-controlled 4 or 5 times an hour previous, right? .. wrong. I ask him for the canter and for the 1st time since 3 months ago he does the worst thing that can happen on horseback; he bolted, causing me to pull the bit back, causing him to be able to clamp his teeth down on it, eliminating all of my control. He made 1 dead run aruond the arena, the other women knew from watching that he was out of control but were helpless to do anything. I've got both hands on one rein trying pull the bit out of his control and force his head sideways so I can get him to stop. (tight circles equal emergency stops) Within seconds it was all over, the other gals screamed as he ran headlong straight into a tree. My last desperate thought before impact was that he was going to kill himself by hitting it head first. However he turned his head at the last moment so it hit his neck and then his shoulder; bringing us from a dead-run down to a crashing stop. I flew from his back into the side of the tree, hitting my head, left shoulder, and left arm, scratching the hell out of the arm. The force of the impact bounced me back into his saddle which was the biggest oddity of it. We were both very dazed to say the least. I refused the call for the ambulance as soon as I found that no bones were broken, the scratchs were bleeding, but nothiing serious. I do realize now that with the adrenaline pumping I probably felt very little of the pain, though I still don't think I needed to be taken to the ER. Anyhow --- in hindsight, I still don't know what happened. We know he took off obviously, but why? and then why run head on into the tree? That night it was all about us calling him a stupid f'ing animal, but now it just bugs me. I sincerely wish there were better ways to communicate with our animals.

Frustrating news, Dave had an interview with AT&T today, he thought he did really well. Within a couple of hours he had an email saying, Thanks but No Thanks. *sigh* It's really hard not to get your hopes up when a good interview comes and we were really hoping it was finally time for him to find a good job. All that can be done is to continue looking, continue trying. For now he is working at Sears, part-time, which we're grateful for, it will help us make the ends meet temporarily. Though I still can't believe they get away with paying people $6 an hour. All because they have 1% commission... woo. Let's say that again .. uhm. woo. Feel the sarcasm?

It's late, we gotta get to bed. I need to get into work early because I'm leaving early for my flight. I get to see my nephew in 1 more day!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hooray!!!!!!!!

Sunday Stealing Meme - Battle of the Meme

2008-12-07T17:42:00.004-06:00

My Sunday Memes are taken from this site: Try one sometime!

1. When you buy a greetings card are the words or the picture more important to you? The words. I'll pay attention to the pictures and design as well of course, but the words are the most important.

2. Do you ever make gifts for people, if so what, or do you buy them? Yep. I've made a few different things. This year for Christmas I'm painting and putting together a specific holiday decoration for each member of the family to have in their household. I've made ornaments before. Crochetted scarves and hats.

3. Are you going on holiday this year? I'm assuming this means going somewhere for Christmas? In that case, no. I am going to my sisters next week for a short visit with her and my nephew though!

4. What was the best party you've ever been to? My work always held a huge Christmas party at Gilette Stadium each year, S.L. is able to put on a great party!

5. What's the most romantic thing that's ever been said to you? There've been a few good ones, one of my favorites that has always stuck with me was. "It's morning, it's chilly, the snow is gently falling outside, and I want nothing more than to have you snuggled up close to me.

7. What's your favorite romantic song? Enya, "Only Time". Gives me chills every time.

8. Favorite heartbreak song? Hard for me to pick one. Plus I can't think of many right now. We'll say "Where to Broken Hearts go". I might update that sometime.

9. Which celebrity would you like a dream date with? Hmm.. Hugh Jackman

10. Which female celebrity do you find beautiful? Charlize Theron

11. Which male celebrity do you think is attractive? hahaha, just one?! Patrick Dempsey, Vin Diesel, Hugh Jackman, Jason Statham, Clive Owens

12. Describe the kind of underwear you normally wear. Bikini cut or boy short style.

13. If you could be in a television sit-com, which would you choose? It's borderline a sit-com but, "House". Or, while it was still on, "Friends".

14. Which character would you like to be? #13 on "House" or Rachel on "Friends"

15. What are your favorite boy and girl names? Uhm, I can't think of all of them right now, but some: Carter, Connor for boys. Rebekah, May, Rayne, Samantha for girls.

16. What's your supermarket of choice? Uh, whichever have the best sales / prices. In Boston it was Market Basket. We're still learning and picking in Largo, FL.

17. What is your best character trait? empathy

18. What is your worst habit? holding in my anger until I'm ready to blow

19. Elaborate on your default icon. Don't have one; at least not here.

20. What is your current relationship status? Married

21. Ever have a near death experience? Yes. I was repelling with my youth group and when I slipped off the edge of the cliff, the rope wasn't secured. I fell about 15 feet and my hair (about half of it on a side of my head) ran up the 'figure 8' piece and stopped my fall. It was pure luck via the Dr that it didn't rip my scalp. It did however separate my scalp from my head in some areas without ripping? I was much younger. I just remember a lot of pain. One of our youth group leaders repelled down next to me and once everyone had made sure the rope was actually secure, he cut my hair off and they lowered me the other 50 feet.

22. Name an obvious quality about you? Hm, an odd question if you ask me. Obvious physical is that I've got large and nice breasts. hahaha. After talking to me for awhile I think most notice that I have a very friendly personality.

23. What’s the name of a song stuck in your head right now? "Where to Broken Hearts Go". Due to the above question. Bleh.

24. Name a celebrity you would marry? Being that I know none of them personally, thats a hard question. Based off of news and movies, I'll say Hugh Jackman and hope he's just as super duper sexy and romantic in person as he is in his movies.

25. Do you like pain? hahahahaha.. uhm. Wow. Uh. In a sexual sort of way, yes, very much so. You all don't need the elaboration there. In the day to day life, I have a high tolerance, but no, in general I don't like pain.

Friday Fill in #101

2008-12-05T12:47:00.003-06:00

Meme taken from the site of: http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/

I was going through some back entries and discovered it makes much more sense for me to put the beginnings in bold and then my fill ins in regular text.

1. Snow is wonderful and beautiful in small doses. The amount of snow each year up in Boston was ridiculous. My favorite part of snow was always going outside at night or the early morning, after a heavy snow fall, and listening to the peaceful beautiful silence. It always seemed to work as some form of a sound muffler against the world. I loved the beauty of unwalked / undriven snow as well.

2. I'm looking forward to seeing my nephew in a few days!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN'T WAIT! :) Oh.. and of course seeing my sisters and Mom too.

3. Vincent is the best nephew ever!

4. One of my favorite old tv shows is ER. I'm not sure how many people would consider it "old", but it has been on for a very long time. Sadly, this is it's last season. I'd eventually like to own every season because it's by far been one of my favorite shows of all time; it probably always will be.

5. I'm done with my 1st piece of toast. LOL. I had a toast craving. I made two pieces with light country crock and sugar-free strawberry preserves, but I only made it through 1 piece. My mind still doesn't remember sometimes that the little tummy only does so much.

6. The most enjoyable thing around the holidays is family. It always means I get more time with family. We all live far apart from each other and any kind of excuse to see them more often I'll take. I also love the smells, decorations, and lights.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to some extra sleep, tomorrow my plans include seeing Rebel in the morning and working on the house in the afternoon and Sunday, I want to get a lot of rest like always! :)

One of these days I'll learn -- I hope

2008-12-01T19:58:00.002-06:00

Most know that read here that I had RNY Gastric Bypass surgery on April 21, 2008. One of the reasons I chose the surgery was because of my lack of self control. The surgery to me has been and continues to be a weight loss tool that when I start to get off track kicks me in the ass and hard.

Things that have changed permanently:

My portion size, I can't and ideally will never again be able to eat more food than 1 cup and maybe eventually 2 cups at a time. Depending on how solid the food is this varies slightly. This is something I've been controlling well, especially recently, and it's something I'm happy with. Even when Dave and I go out somewhere to eat, I know I can simply take the other half or 2/3rds of my food home and have it later.

My ability to eat things with sugar and fat. Fat, no problem really, I've never really enjoyed fatty foods anyways. Once in a blue moon I get a craving for fries or a burger and in those times I can easily by a small fry and eat 10-15 of them and hand the rest to Dave. I can do the same with half of a Jr. Burger of some sort. The problem I do have, is with sugar or sweet things. Grr. It's still a battle for me, generally at least once on a weekly basis. Last week, Thanksgiving, I wanted a slice of that apple pie soooo bad; and I had it, along with a couple bites of pumpkin. Now, if I was smart about it I would've made something similar to pumpkin pie or apple pie, but sugar free, prior to going to Thanksgiving dinner. Of course, I didn't do that and about 15 minutes after eating I got sick. Sick involves getting cramps, a stomach ache, extreme tiredness and without being graphic an unpleasant 'end' result. It generally lasts about an hour start to finish.

Today, I did it AGAIN! .. except it was a craving for chicken nuggets and a kids size frosty. I mean, really?? I need a knock to the head. Generally I'm able to do a kids size frosty with little or no problem as long as I sip/eat it slow, however, mixed with fake chicken (5 piece) and bbq sauce (1 of them), not so much. *sigh* Anyhow, that was more than an hour ago.

I WILL learn not to do this to myself.

Meme: Manic Monday #144

2008-12-01T19:54:00.002-06:00

Taken from Website: http://manicmondaymeme.blogspot.com/

It's "Cyber Monday" today, the ceremonial kick-off of the holiday online shopping season in the United States. Do you do much online shopping, holiday or otherwise? Both Dave and I do a moderate amount of online shopping. The most shopping we do online is generally during the Holidays. Our families live all over the US and it's much easier to have a store ship it to their location rather than buy it locally and then ship it locally; plus a lot of the time you can get free shipping online.

Are you a Mac or a PC user? Why? PC User. It's what I grew up with, it's what I know and am comfortable with. Dave has worked with Mac's a lot since he worked with computers in several stores, but we haven't bought him one as they tend to cost a lot more than PC's.

What website do you spend more time on than you care to admit? MySpace.

Sunday Stealing Meme

2008-11-30T17:57:00.005-06:00

This is a nice and long one which is perfect because it's what I was in the mood for. Sunday Stealing is located at: http://sundaystealing.blogspot.com/ It's a wonderful Sunday activity in which the person who owns the site goes hunting for other random Memes I have to say, I think they're typically some of the best.

LAYER 1: Tell us your...

* Name: Rachel
* Birthday (month, day): May 25th
* Birthplace: Portland, OR
* Current location: Largo, FL
* Eye color: Blue
* Hair color: Brown
* Height: 5'7"
* Righty or lefty: Lefty
* Zodiac sign: Gemini

LAYER 2: What's...

* Your heritage: Irish and German
* The shoes you wore today: When I had some on, stable boots for riding, but I didn't go much of anywhere except to the barn today.
* Your weakness: Food, it always will be.
* Your fears: Spiders, dying young, missing something important.
* Your perfect pizza: fresh mozerella(sp), tomatoes, artichoke hearts, fresh ricotta
* Goals you’d like to achieve: Reaching 160pds. Secure financial security. The ability to retire at 65. (I'm 32, but I think about it all the time).
* Your first waking thoughts: UGH!!!! It's morning. I HATE mornings.
* Your best physical feature: Eyes, always been my eyes.
* Your most missed memory: Wow, this is a hard question for me. I've lost tons and tons of memories. I generally can't remember the details of something for more than a year or two and I hate it. Dr's state its a block I put up long ago. Anyhow, without going into extreme detail I can remember an event happening. (the birth of my son), but I have no memories of the details. I take tons of pictures of everything to help with this.

LAYER 3: Do you...

* Smoke: rarely, but once in awhile still
* Cuss: hell yes, probably too much.
* Sing: yep! but almost only when I'm alone.
* Take a shower every day: most of the time
* Do you think you’ve been in love: Yea
* Did you go to college: Briefly, no degrees though.
* Liked high school: hated it in every way possible.
* Want to get/stay married: Yes
* Believe in yourself: Yes, I've struggled with this, but more and more I do.
* Think you’re attractive: Eh, working on this, but yes definitely more than a year ago.
* Think you’re a health freak: Nope, I just try to make good choices about my food.
* Get along with your parent(s): Very much so.
* Like thunderstorms: Absolutely love them.
* Play an instrument: Used to play piano. Still can, just not well.

LAYER 4: In the past month have you…

* Drank alcohol: yes
* Smoked: yes
* Done a drug: yes
* Made out: yes
* Gone on a date: yes
* Gone to the mall: yes
* Eaten an entire box of Oreos: no
* Eaten sushi: yes
* Been on stage: no
* Been dumped: no
* Gone skating: no
* Gone skinny dipping: no
* Stolen Anything: no

LAYER 5: Have you ever…

* Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
* Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
* Been caught “doing something”: yes
* Been called a tease: yes
* Gotten beaten up: no, been hit and slapped, but I haven't been 'beaten up' by my thoughts of the term.
* Shoplifted: yes

LAYER 6:

* Age you did get/hope to be married: 31
* Numbers and names of children (either you have or want): 1 son, 2 stepsons. Son was adopted after he was born, open adoption so I still have contact, his name is Carter. Two stepsons live about 5 minutes away. Devon and Ian.
* Describe your dream mate: Romantic, supportive, honest.
* How do you want to die: Peacefully, painlessly.
* What did you want to be when you grow up: Vet. I started, but stopped during my first internship, I couldn't handle how horrible some people were to their animals. I've thought about going back and restarting now that I'm older.
* What country would you most like to visit: This is hard as there are so many. One that tops my list is Italy.

LAYER 7: Now tell...

* Name a drug you’ve taken illegally: Marijuana
* Name a person you could trust with my life: Dave
* Name a favorite CD that you own: Lincoln Park - Hybrid Theory
* Number of piercings: Only 4 currently. Used to have several. Two holes each ear. One in the lobe of each ear and one in the trakus of each ear.
* Number of tattoos: 1 - dark faire on my left ankle. A lot of meaning behind it too.
* Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Not sure? Maybe once or twice but I dont know of any distinctive times.
* Name a past experience that you regret: I try not to regret any, but I do have one that I would like to eventually get past. I regret not being strong enough to walk away from my ex, it's been 8+ years, yet it's always bugged me, I hope someday it doesn't.

Another Friday Fill-Ins Meme!

2008-11-28T21:00:00.004-06:00

1. My stomach is much smaller than it's ever been!!!!!!!
2. Turkey is what I ate the most of on Thursday.
3. The yard doesn't exist at my apartment. lol. We have no yard.
4. With horses is where I'd rather be at any given time.
5. The smell of leather reminds me of one of my favorite places, the horse barn.
6. Less back pain is what I need right now!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a long sleep in my cozy bed, tomorrow my plans include seeing Rebel and giving Devon a riding lesson, and Sunday, I want to relax and do some Christmas shopping from home!

I've been sick all week and without a voice the majority of it. Not really in the mood to write much more than the meme.

Saturday 9

2008-11-22T22:28:00.002-06:00

I've been up in Boston for the last week and a half without internet (except at work), so no blogging for me. It's too late and I'm too tired to write at the moment, but I figured I'd at least put up a Meme. PLUS, my lil' sister is here visiting MEEEE! .. so I am spending most of my time with her while I can.

1. What did you dream about last night? I don't think I drempt last night.

2. Do you often have nightmares? Alllll the time, hate it.

3. Do you have any special talents? Horseback riding/training (WOOT!) and I used to play the piano quite well.

4. Who is the most talented person that you know? Difficult question, not sure.

5. What did you watch on TV last? ER, caught up on my episodes last night.

6. Is there a new TV show that you would recommend? My lil sister says Chuck, but I'm not a big fan. Right now I'm fairly addicted to Grey's Anatomy, but that's not new.

7. Who was the last person you phoned and why? Ryan, lil sisters husband to say I was on the way back to the house.

8. Who was the last person who phoned you and why? Ryan and Bek (lil sister) to get the address to come to our house.

9. What was the last snail mail letter that you received? Some kind of junk mail or bill I've no doubt. There was a stack about 4 inches high of mail when I came back from Boston.

Friday Fill-In #97

2008-11-07T19:58:00.002-06:00

1. My blueprint for success includes happiness. A LOT of happiness.
2. Reese's Pieces was the last candy I ate.
3. The best facial moisturizer I've ever used is Ponds.
4. Laughter can be good therapy.
5. I'd like to tell you about my sadness right now. (see last post)
6. My empathy and love for people is my strongest characteristic.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sleep, tomorrow my plans include a surprise and Sunday, I want to be happy and relaxed!

Bad things happen to good people

2008-11-07T19:43:00.003-06:00

This is one of those things in life I've never fully understand. I'm not talking about grandma getting a flat tire, or a child falling down and skinning their knee. I'm not even talking about a favorite pet passing away as this is something that happens in the normal cycle of life. I'm talking about those things that are horrible, cruel, painful, and hurtful to the bone. I'm talking about those things happening to really good people.

Very few people in my life now, know of the dark past that I came from. My family has endured more pain and turmoil than anyone should ever see.

I have a friend that I love so much that my heart could burst who has endured years of abuse. A dear friend who is now struggling her hardest with her hands raw from grasping the rope of hope, trying her damnedest to get away from the bastard. Why do people like him exist? Why is it allowed?

I have another dear friend who has just been charged with murder. Yes, I wrote that correctly. Murder. I don't know the whole story, I don't know all the details. However, what I do know is that this is one of the most kind hearted, gentle, and loving people I've had the privildge of knowing. She's in prison currently, in solitary confinement, not because she did something bad (to be confined), but because they have to keep her seperated from the other inmates that want to kill her. It was a baby that died; she was 1 years old. The baby didn't do anything wrong - she was an innocent little girl. I truly believe that my friend did not do anything wrong either. Something happened, something isn't being said, someone is lying.

A family friend was riding in the sand dunes with his wife a couple months ago. They were on some abandoned roads and out alone, not too smart. They were looking at the scenery and playing around, both in their young 30's. Flying down one of the roads they came around a corner and a wire was strung across the road - right at neck height - someone was trying to slow down those speeding on the roads. Our friends shouldn't have been going so fast. The wire should have never been strung due to the danger. The husband was in front and the wire broke his neck and ripped open is coratid artery at the same time. His wife was flung free and other than a broken shoulder was okay. She watched her husband die. They have 4 children. How is that fair? In what way does that make sense?

I believe in God. I was raised to and have a fairly strong faith of my own that he exists. I know a lot of people who don't and respect their opinions as long as they respect mine. Yet ........ with things like the above happening. I can see why some people have a hard time believing.

I'm hurting right now. I wish I could understand why such horrible things have to happen in this life. Why do they happen to good people?

13 Things I'm Missing

2008-11-06T19:56:00.002-06:00

With my husband and I's recent move from Boston, MA to Largo, FL a lot of things have changed - some of which are hopefully very temporary. So... for my Thursday Thirteen this week I'm doing things that I'm missing; some are related to the move, some are not. The numbers are in no particular order of importance - they're all important in their own way.

1) My husbands confidence - he's out of a job with the move and the last 2 months have been job hunting hell. A lot of hard work with very little response.

2) Barbara - one of the best best bestest friends I've ever had. I met her a few months before I left Boston and she's one of the biggest part of Boston I miss. She understands me like very few people have. I can't wait to see her again.

3) My Team - I work for a large company in the Boston area and am the Team Leader for 10 of the employees. I still work with them all daily by telecommuting, but I really miss being able to see them, laugh with them, and hang out for a drink after work on Fridays.

4) Being financially secure - with one job right now we're dipping into our savings account every month to pay the bills. We knew it would be hard finding a job for Dave down here, but we were expecting more than this. Within a couple of months we'll be in very big trouble if something doesn't come up.

5) Manicures - With two jobs and a secure income, I could get these weekly. It's a small thing, but was a bit of comfort I loved.

6) Pedicures - See above for the reasons. Again, it's a small thing, but sometimes our small comforts can matter a whole lot.

7) My family - my in-laws were in Boston. My Mom and Sis with my nephew is in Arizona. My brother and youngest sister are in Seattle. I miss them all, daily. I was raised as a very family oriented person and have a hard time being seperated from them. Yet -- my husbands two children are in Florida and they need him right now. I will endure.

8) ER - it's not gone yet, but I'm **SO** going to miss it once this season is over!!! I've been watching the show religiously for years.

9) The Garcia-Rowe family - They live in Boston and were good friends of Dave and I's. I loved visiting with them and spending time with their adorable daughter Ela.

10) Meghan and Zach - Another pair of wonderful friends from Boston. I feel that we should've spent more time with them. Lives get busy and sometimes we forget to do the more fun things in life.

11) Moody Street - A street in Waltham (Boston area) that had the bestest restaurants! Every kind of ethnic food you could think of. It was a great place to wander and spend time.

12) Not Your Average Joe's - Dave and I's favorite restaurant. None in Florida of course. If you live near one and you haven't gone, you *need* to go. Reasonable prices and some of the best food around. Sign up for their club / emails - they send all kinds of coupons and fabulous deals.

13) The Fells - Behind Dave's family's house was several hundred acres of woods. We went for walks in the woods all the time, long and short. Tons of trails to explore.

Manic Monday -- It definitely was!

2008-11-03T21:22:00.003-06:00

Woke up to finding out that 5 of my 10 team were out today. 2 had accidents over the weekend - fairly bad ones, 1 was sick, 1 is scheduled on vacation, and 1 was in meetings after 10am due to new projects that he's taken on. (without speaking to me about them first). Argh! We got through the day and that part is great. Tomorrow will be a better work day.

I saw my Rebel man today. We had a good ride, however, prior to riding he decided to almost try and kill me. hehe. I can laugh about it now because it's okay, but at the time it was very bad. Keep in mind that this is my calm and docile gelding that never acts up. So, get to the barn, I'm in his stall cleaning like usual. He's hanging out in the stall like usual. Except this time his neighbor, a young palomino gelding decided to stick his head around his door and into Rebel's space. Then, all holy hell broke loose. Rebel dived at him, knocking me into the wall, both had their teeth bared and they were screaming like a couple of stallions. Ridiculous! I got bumped into the wall a few more times as he lunged and then I shoved the wooden handle of the pitchfork type tool into his ribs. He moved over and after a few more threatening gestures from me calmed down. Needless to say, I put his halter on and took him OUT of his stall before I finished cleaning. The funny part is I guess when I was shoving him away and pissed I screamed, "Absolutely not exceptable! You had your balls cut off 2 years ago, no more acting like a retarded stallion!!!". I remember yelling at him, but my fear had kind of taken over at that point so I hadn't remembered what I yelled. The gals at the barn gave me a bit of a tease over it for the night once they found out that I was okay. Anyhow, this was totally out of character for Rebel, he truly is incredibly easy going with both humans and other horses. After talking with his owner for a bit I found out that the only time he gets aggressive is with young stallions or geldings - in this case the palomino is a 2 year old. So ... now I know. It just never became an issue as the little palomino generally keeps his head in his own stall and out of site.

Anyway ... onto other things. Time for the Manic Monday Meme!!!

How many hours of TV do you watch per week? Probably close to 20 hours that I actually watch throughout the week. Give or take a couple. I'd say that at minimum half those hours are keeping the TV on in the background for noise.

Do you feel that's too much, not enough or just right? Borderline too much, but not as bad as some. I have 5 shows I tend to watch weekly, the rest is noise or boredom and I could go with or without it.

Which of the 5 senses do you feel is your strongest sense? From the standard senses, my sense of smell. I'm always picking up things that other people don't.

What's the wackiest belief you held as a child? I thought cartoons were real, could feel real pain, real pleasure, etc. At one point I even spoke to my Dad about how "Dumbo" was being abused in his movie and it upset me. This lasted for me for way to long - I was around 10 yrs old when reality started to set in. My sense of what was real and what was not set in late for me. My Mom and I have analyzed it a bit before on why that might have been, but it's not really a concern now.

Another Day

2008-11-02T19:40:00.006-06:00

It's pretty bad when I have to read through my recent blog entries to see what I have and haven't already written about. Ehhh, overall I have a bad memory anyway, so I figure even if I was writing more frequently I'd still be looking back at previous posts.

Since I'm actually taking the time to write tonight, there are a few things I want to touch on. I'm going to make a little note of them here, that way I can check back on my list when I get caught up in writing. (Did I mention memory problems?) So, the kids, the horses, the job situation and finances, my nephew, this weekend, and Dave.

We had the kids this weekend, I think we're starting to get into a routine now. Right now they only stay for 1 night and it's every other weekend; but for the most part we now see them every weekend. Right now it definitely works for me, I think we're all still adjusting in a huge way. I think I'm improving my tolerance and acceptance. It sounds horrible and I haven't really mentioned it a lot, but sometimes I have a really hard time with them. I think it's partially because I resent them for having such a control on where Dave and I are located. I know that they're kids and it's not directly their fault -- but it's because they exist that we have to be certain places at certain times and live in certain areas. I know that probably sounds horrendous and I really don't mean it too, it's just a fact put in the very basic and blunt of terms. The other big adjustment is the noise levels - holy cow two kids in a 2 bedroom apartment can make a lot of noise! Even when they're being quiet, it's still so much more than I'm used to. Constant questions, constant talking (if they're not talking to each other or Dave and I, it's too themselves) and right now fairly constant fighting and talking back. They're 8 and 12 year old boys and they seem to have it out for each other ALL the TIME. The talking back we mostly get from the 8 year old and Dave and I both have zero, zip, zilch tolerance for it. I was recently told by someone that they thought we were a bit too strict because we set times that they have to be completely silent for 30 minutes at a time (they can read, play their DS (with the sound off), etc). And we recently started a silence punishment for talking back. I kind of laugh to myself about it - I personally believe it's very very far from harsh.

On the good side of things, Dave and I seem to work very well together with the kids. It seems like when I'm at my breaking point, he's calm and when he's at his breaking point, I'm calm. They both pushed a lot of buttons this weekend - so Dave and I took a couple of time-outs ourselves. Today I played "Whoonu" with the boys while Dave took a break. They hadn't played before and I didn't know how it would go, but it turned out to be really fun! Plus it allowed the boys and I to learn some new things about each other!

I'm also teaching them both out to ride horses now. One of the horses I'm leasing, Rebel, is fabulous with the kids. He's a very patient guy and I don't have to worry about him bolting away or being out of control. Ian (12yo) is a bit scared of horses still, so he's making some slow adjustments to just being around them. Devon (8yo) is our fearless wonder and is borderline not cautious enough, but, he's also picking up the skills of riding and horseman ship *amazingly* well. His balance in riding is wonderful, leg position and heel position I hardly have to remind him about, he's already holding the reins correctly without me having to show him. This Saturday was his 2nd time on Rebel by himself and I had him in the round pen for safety. (circle arena about 30 ft across) I figured I'd just have him walk on the edge of the pen and work on keeping Rebel there, but by the end of a half hour he was turning him in different directions, doing figure eights, and I started teaching him about 2-point and posting with the outside leg. I was beyond impressed and really quite proud of him.

As far as myself at the horses, I'm leasing Romeo for free (clysdale / quarter horse cross) and Rebel for a monthly fee. (paint / quarterhorse cross). They're both great in their own ways, but I will fully admit that I like working with Rebel a great deal more. I don't want to let either of them go, but in the next couple of weeks I think I really need to speak with Romeo's owner about no longer riding him. Both Romeo and Rebel have problems and steps in their training that need to be done and both levels of additional training I'm capable of doing. However, Romeo I'm not seeing any progress with and I rarely enjoy our ride together because of the struggle. Rebel is responding very well and is making leaps and bounds in his progress. In fact, Rebel and I will be going into our first competition in about 3 weeks. *huge smile* I'm incredibly excited to get back into the show circuit.

The job situation has unforunately not changed much. I'm still in the same job which works great for me. Dave is still mostly unemployed. I say mostly because our friend Tony did find him a job ... but it's commission only. Honestly I'm grateful for any additional financial help we have and at least this is something. His take home was $130 last week, untaxed, as he works as a contractor. We'll put money in our savings account from each check to make sure we're okay at the end of the year. In the meantime he is still submitting additional, non-stop resumes without any calls! I think that drives me the most crazy, if he'd at least get a couple of phone calls for interviews it would give us some hope, but there's literally NO response. I dunno, I should probably have my sister look over the cover letter and resume to see if she has any suggestions. We've been fairly financially stable for the last year and a half, so going back down to living paycheck to paycheck, barely paying the bills, questioning if there's enough to buy gas for the car, etc is very hard. Yet I do know there are many out there that have it worse than we do currently - I am able to lease a horse (thank goodness as it's been a huge source of happiness for me here) - we are able to buy groceries for the week.

So I just have to write at least a small blurb about my nephew. My perfect, adorable, wonderful nephew - who lives way way way to far away with his Mom. He's 8 months now and is just one of the most beautiful babies you will ever see. I love him more and more each time I see a new pic and video. He's sadly in Arizona, so I've only seen him twice since he was born, BUT, I'll be seeing him in December!!! I can't wait! I need to get some pictures into my blogger sometime soon.

The weekend was busy and I'm rolling into Monday again feeling a bit too tired and not revived from my weekend time. I wanted to get a lot done on the apartment this weekend and we did get a pretty good dent into stuff today. There's still SO much to do - but I can at least see the difference we made. Saturday I rode Rebel and gave Devon his lesson. Friday we went out to a local bar for Halloween. I ended up ordering and getting some bad food and getting pretty yucky sick by midnight, it was bad. Before the food came we had a good time playing darts and socializing with a couple of the people we'd met previously. I went in my belly dancing wear and was nice and comfy in my costume. Two hip scarves with jangles, an additional jangle chain, wide cotton embroidered scarf tied around my middle to hide the tummy area, long black flowy skirt, and a very boobly chole on top made up the outfit along with bright colored makeup, necklaces, braclets, and dangly earrings.

I think I covered all my subject. (checks above) Yes, it appears I did. Yay me. ;) Hmm, I'm craving cheese, I'm going to go get some cheese.

2008-11-02T18:44:00.003-06:00

What are your nicknames? Zaudika, Z, Rach

What TV gameshow or reality show would you like to be on? I used to always want to be on "The Price is Right". Now I'm not too sure, they have a decorating show that I could see trying -- though I have no specific experience.

What was the first movie you bought in VHS or DVD? omg I have no idea. That was so long ago!

What is your favorite scent? I don't really have a favorite, I like very earthy scents and tropical scents though.

If you had one million dollars to spend only on yourself, what would you spend it on? Clothing, new matching furniture for the rooms in my house, a house on property with a barn. A horse or two. A ton ton ton of travel vouchers to use to see my family as much as I possibly can. Vacations to some of the places I've always wanted to go. Investiments.

What is one place you've visited, can't forget and want to go back to? Toss up between New Orleans and Vegas. I've been to Vegas once and we go to New Orleans every March. I've had an amazing time in both places and would love to continue and go back.

Do you trust easily? No.

Do you generally think before you act, or act before you think? I tend to lean a bit more towards acting before I think.

Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days? Yes.

Do you have a good body image? Not good, but working on it.

What is your favorite fruit? Pineapple

What websites do you visit daily? MySpace, Gmail, Yahoo, Craigslist

What have you been seriously addicted to lately? MySpace, to a ridiculous browsing amount. Silly really. That and craigslist, there are ALL kinds of things on there.

What's the last song that got stuck in your head? Hmm, not sure, thank goodness.

What is your favorite thing to wear? T-Shirt and jeans or comfi loose khakis.

Do you think Rice Krispies are yummy? They're okay. I had a craving the other day and got some, they weren't nearly as good as I remembered.

What would you do if you saw $100 lying on the ground? Depends on where I was. Most likely pick it up and keep it. If I was in a grocery store / department store I would go to Customer Service and ask if anyone had come by in regards to lost money. If it's in a wallet with ID then it's generally an easy return. (been there and done that as well) Just last night we were in the grocery store and they made an announcement that someone had dropped a fairly large amount of cash and asked that everyone look around them and bring it to the Customer Service desk.

What items couldn't you go without during the day? Couldn't? Like couldn't survive? Probably nothing. I think toilet paper is the one thing I would *REALLY* want to have. If we're talking comfort reasons - cellphone, hairbrush, water, food, and toilet paper.

What should you be doing right now? Relaxing. I've gotten a lot done this weekend.

Friday Fill-Ins

2008-10-31T18:51:00.003-05:00

I really need to write soon and a lot more. I think I must write that about 50 times a year in blogs / journals / letters / etc. I'm always wanting to write more, but never take the time to sit down and do it.

Small meme:

1. My favorite food seasoning is curries. omg curries. Specifically Thai and Indian style curries. I'm also a huge fan of any type of food / soup that has a coconut milk base.

2. Laughter from a loved one is music to my ears.

3. Lucky is the name of one of our family dogs growing up. She's passed on now.

4. Abuse is something I take very seriously. All kinds. I offer support whenever I can, whether it be financially, physically, or emotionally.

5. Many people don't truly understand me.

6. Beef Jerky and Tums were the last things I bought at the store. (mini-mart stop)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to not much unfortunately; Halloween is my favorite of all favorite holidays, but it appears that the plans I had are gone at this point. Tomorrow my plans include seeing Rebel (one of my horses that I'm leasing -- HAPPY HAPPY!!!) and Sunday, I want to get some things done around the house and REST!

Time

2008-10-19T18:49:00.003-05:00

Time is something I seem to not have a lot of ever anymore, it's one of the reasons and probably most of the reason I haven't been writing on my blog. Ideally I'd like to write more but I can't really say I'm going to right now as I really don't know.

Weight loss is slow, but continuing to move slow and steady which keeps me happy. The kids are good. The job is the same and moving along - staying stable which is a great thing. Dave is still looking but we've made a friend in town that is determined to really help him out and find him a job. (You're awesome Tony!)

I think it was mentioned in my previous blog, but I'm currently leasing two horses. Rebel and Romeo. It didn't really happen on purpose that way, but it is what it is and it takes up 5-6 of my 7 nights a week. Eeek!! I love it so much, but at the same time I know it's too much. One of them is without cost and I will likely be giving one of them up soon.

Game 7 of the Red Sox / Rays is on tonight, I'm of course routing for the Red Sox all the way! I'm hoping my boys will pull it through yet again. :) The game starts in 6 minutes and I promised I'd wake Dave from his nap on time, so off I go.

Handbag Contest

2008-09-27T16:43:00.004-05:00

Okay this is cool. I like handbags and purses, it's one of my small obsessions - I do have bigger ones, lol.

New site for bags doing a give away promotion. To sign up, go here: http://www.handbagplanet.com/

No S&H, no Credit Card info needed -- only easy signup.

Saturday 9 - Friends

2008-09-27T16:31:00.002-05:00

1. Who is your best friend? I have to list three, Mom, Dave, B

2. How did you meet? Birth, Internet, Work

3. How long have you known each other? Lifetime, 6 years, 4-5months I think

4. Have you traveled anywhere together? Yes, Yes, No

5. Did you ever have a problem over a romantic interest that you shared? No, Yes (lets not go there), No.

6. Have you ever not liked your best friend’s choice of lovers? No, Yes, Yes

7. How long since you have seen your best friend? 5 months, Minutes, 3 weeks

8. Do you remember each other on birthdays and holidays? Yes, Yes, So Far. :)

9. What is the biggest fight that you have ever had? Mom = I honestly can't remember. We don't really fight. Dave = About a month before we moved, started as procrastination and erupted into a huge fight. I stayed with a friend for a couple days while we worked things out. It's all good. B = haven't had any big fights, had a disagreement on Friday, but we talked through it.

Friends rock. Some of many. I don't -- but I absolutely cherish the ones I do have.

Wednesday Weirdness and other ramblings

2008-09-24T21:41:00.003-05:00

I found a few of what are called "meme"'s recently through someone's site and I thought it might be fun to start doing a few of them. Basically you take the questionnaire from the blog site that sponsers them and then let them know that you've done it so others can read yours if they'd like. It works. :)

This one is from: http://wednesdayweird.blogspot.com/

1. Would you rather join the Ghostbusters to hunt ghosts or join the Sesame Street bunch? Why? Sesame Street, I always always loved Oscar the Grouch. I wanted to make him my friend and make him happy as a kid. He's still awesome - you all know he has a soft side. :)

2. What is the most you are willing to do to get out of a police officer giving you a ticket? Cry. Make excuses. Flirt. Explain. The majority of the time, if I've done something wrong, I'll suck it up. There was a time I got pulled over for driving without my seatbelt (right when the law started that they can visually pull you over for that). I *always* where my seatbelt. I had just quit my job due to a large dispute in the workplace, I was heartbroken and crying, I was way to worked up and forgot to buckle up. Good the cop pulled me over so I put it on. Bad on him for giving me the ticket when I explained and had obviously been crying for awhile. =P eeh.. whatever.

3. What popular movies do you find to be overrated? The Austin Power movies. I **HATE** them -- with a passion I can't express. Ugh. Bad Bad stupid movies.

4. What is in (and/or on) your bedside table? Lamp. Aloe lotion. Glass of water. Tums. Tylenol. Sleep meds. Pillow my son's family made for me. (he was adopted by a family at birth -- open adoption). Book I'm reading. Coaster my sis made me.

5. Have you ever had or fantasized about having sex with a boss before? Have you ever acted on that fantasy? Yes, fantasized about it. No, haven't acted upon it.

6. If you had a personal assistant, what would you have them do? OMG .. a *lot* right now. I'm assuming that if I have a personal assistant she can do anything or I have the money to also help her/him get people to do them. Organize unpacking my house. Help me make a schedule and encourage me to stick to it. Set my appointments for all my new doctors. Pick up my prescriptions. Answer the phone and take messages when I'm busy and one of my team calls. Clean Romeo's stall so I can just ride. (hey! why not?!). I'm sure I could think of another 10 things without a problem.

7. Have you ever faked static, loss of cell phone reception or anything else on the telephone line to get out of a conversation? hahaha.. yep. guilty.
-----------------
In daily life. I heard from a few of my Boston friends today. Emails and phone calls. I'm so glad they're keeping in touch. I'm having a really hard time reaching out right now, I'm having a hard time even responding sometimes. I replied to 3 of them today and was happy that I did. I was sad too. It made me think more of them, miss them more. I've got to cope eventually, deal with the loss, and try to focus on the positives. Easier said than done.

On a good note I did go and see a new psychiatrist yesterday. Shock of all shockers. I like her. I kind of knew I would when I walked into her private office. Earthy tones, all pictures black and white photography of trees, open pastures, and wrought iron gates. I loved her room. We talked a bit, she asked some questions, and I felt like she really took time for me. I like that. She changed around some meds - thank god - hopefully I'll see some changes soon. I loved my therapist in Boston, but did not like my psychiatrist. I really like this one and am hoping to find a therapist I like as well. It's just a very hard step for me to take to look for a therapist after having so many years of a connection with mine from Boston. I miss her a lot.

I went to the beach the first time this last Sunday, I'll try to write about that soon. I'm pretty tired at the moment though.

Sometimes I dont know what to put here?

2008-09-18T20:32:00.003-05:00

Actually, a lot of the time I don't know what to put as a "Title", maybe I'll just start naming them, "Don't know what to put 1" then "2" then "3". It's a thought anyway.

Work was a bit frustrating today. I suppose right now in some ways it's frustrating every day. I miss my team!!! I still have them in a way, I talk to them, I message them, I email them; it's not even remotely the same. It's like staying in touch with one of your best friends verbally and internetly (Ooo, new word) without being able to see them. My team of 12 had become my friends and together my group. I liked each and every one of them for their individual qualities. I still do. I always will. I'm just really struggling with not having them in person! I can only hope I adjust over time, but right now I'm feeling like it's not going to be possible. I've considered a new job in the area, becoming a team leader / manager of a new department, god knows I have the experience to get hired... I'm just not ready for that step. I really don't know if I ever will take that step.

I saw Romeo again today, but didn't ride. We had some great horse / rider bonding time. After grooming him I walked him to the park by halter and lead and spent about a half hour brushing out his entire tail and mane while he grazed. I talked to him and he was his great self raising his head to stare at me every once in awhile before going back to his green grass. He can be very playful and has a great personality. I had given him some treats (horse cookies) when I first got to the barn and as we were walking to and from the park every once in awhile he's drop his head and nuzzle or lip at my pockets. He was *sure* that there must be another cookie around! Pinellas is an area about 10 minutes away from my apartment and it's full of homes with barns and small sized ranches. In walking the 2 blocks to the park Romeo got to visit several of his horse and pony friends on the way. If I'm not riding he's more than welcome to sniff noses and make horse whiny talk, but when I am riding not much visiting goes on. The last thing I need is two hyper horses deciding they might want to try and play, while I'm on his back! I did give a cookie to one of his horse friends, a cute young paint that looks a year or two old. Romeo was of course mortified and didn't sniff noses anymore with him once I did that. hahaha. He really is an added joy in my life right now. Tuesday I was frustrated because he had been bad during my entire visit. Today i'm overjoyed because we had a great day together. Just like any other animal, child or person they have their good days and bad days.

I got a ton of our clothes / shoes hung and put away today - one more small step to having an organized home. Each day small steps to hit our big goal. We'll get there someday.

We have a friend visiting from out of town this weekend. While the house is a mess, it's still going to be great to see a familiar face. Fleet is one of Dave's poker buddies. He came to our wedding, and came up to our place in Boston a couple of times, the majority of the time he lives in Texas so he tries to visit whenever he's in our area. It just so happens he'll be in the Florida area this weekend and is staying with us. Woo!

Tomorrow's Friday. Thank goodness!!!!!!

Time to write a bit

2008-09-16T22:28:00.003-05:00

I've been in Largo, FL now for about 2 weeks and haven't written. I didn't write a lot in the few weeks before the move either. I think in some ways I wasn't writing because I didn't want to spew a lot of negativity. I've been struggling with this move in many ways -- from before I left, until now. There are positives, I'm trying to focus most on those.

Since being here a few things have happened both positive and negative.

Upon arriving our cable/internet was to be setup the same day. We waited from 3pm - 7pm, our scheduled time, no one showed. I called the company, Bright House, early the next morning in a bad mood as I was supposed to be at work as of 8am. Why hadn't they shown up? Well, it turns out they had no record of me, our address, or our account that was set up. In short, someone dropped the ball - lost the record, lost the information, or didn't enter it correctly. Thank the gawds I got a wonderful man on the phone that helped me calm down and stayed on the phone with me for good 1/2 hour while he worked out someone getting to our house that day, within a couple of hours. The company also took off a months worth of a bill to apologize for the inconvience.

So .. okay, internet is on, I'm at work. Computer starts to spaz. It's shutting down on it's own and then rebooting. Hmm, definitely not good. Very very long story cut into a much much shorter version. 1st computer = dead. Company mails second computer. Second computer = dead within 3 days. Systems management puzzles for 2 days on how this could've happened. I pull out my hair for a week losing my mind as I'm maybe able to work 2 hours out of 8 hours due to a computer shutting on and off. Conclusion to the 2nd dead computer -- installed a bad component from the 1st bad computer. Baaaaaad systems people. 3rd computer mailed with all new cables, 2 new widescreen flatscreen monitors (woot!), and all new software / hardware to go with it. Ahhhh, day 8 upon arriving, I have a working computer. Thank the gawds!!!

Prior to getting to Largo, FL; we spent a couple days in the Jacksonville area with a couple of friends from our past. Until tonight that was ranked as one of our positive and good experiences. We went sight-seeing, they took us to a nice dinner, we played with their funny and hyperactive silly dog. Sadly, I then read several days later - tonight - that it appears to have been a horrible experience for them that they'd like to never repeat. I'm confused, but asked for an explanation tonight. I can only hope that I get one. I'd truly like to understand.

A positive - prior to moving I had been emailing back and forth with a gal named Ashley in regards to her horse. He's an 8 year old clysdale/quarter house cross. He's huge, he's beautiful, and my goodness he's a handful! After speaking for a month she kept in contact with me until I got to Largo, FL so that I could start leasing, Romeo. (ok -- I didn't name him). The second day in FL I went to meet him and her, we hit it off, she was pleased with my riding and handling of him, and he's now my full responsibility 3 days a week. It's been great for me in many ways. 1st, I'm getting back into riding and it's a source of pure joy for me. 2nd, while I've been going through the difficult ups and downs over the last couple of weeks he's been a routine to continue forcing me out of the house. He's definitely not your run of the mill calm, bomb proof horse. He's a huge handful. He spooks, he disobeys, he fights back, but on most days he tries his best and eventually calms down and gets into a routine of work. Today was *not* one of those days that he calmed down - but I'm not going to get into that right now. Overall - he's been a very positive addition to my life. There's a large horse event / get together / get to know your neighbors, that I'm taking him to this upcoming Saturday. I'm really looking forward to it.

It's late, I'm fairly drained, and work will come early. I'm off to bed and praying that sleep will come for me tonight. (insomnia isn't my friend -- but it keeps trying to be).

ARRGGGHH!!!

2008-08-11T20:18:00.003-05:00

I think this blog is going to be my source of rants over the next several weeks. For all those who are reading my ongoing blog, please don't think that I'm this angry, upset, pissed off, at life all the time. This is just a VERY stressful VERY emotional time for me.

Top 8 Things Pissing me the Fuck Off right now:
1) The move - let's just say #1 is the move!
2) The packing - nuff said.
3) My husband procrastinating.
4) My husband needing reminders for everything
5) Discovering 2 wonderful friends to late - I'm leaving!!!
6) Work - I love my job, I really really do, but this week has been HELL.
7) My therapist knowing me all to well and being right.
8) Not being able to see my therapist of 3 years anymore in 3 week.

Since we're doing that, why not do the 8 Things that make me Remotely Happy at the Moment:
1) Barbara and Meghan - the thoughts of leaving you two makes me want to cry.
2) Work - I love my team. How am I going to get by without you there to lift me up with your silly dances and big goofy smiles when it's a stress filled day?
3) Husband - for cuddles when I need them.
4) The huge bowl of ice cream I'm eating right now. (No Sugar Added Edy's)
5) The Angry Pharmacist (found through L's blog), for making me laugh tonight.
6) My Therapist - for knowing what I need and what needs to be said to make me think a bit better. Even when I don't like hearing it.
7) My family - for calling me, talking to me, lending advice.
8) My snakes - they always make me happy. They're my reptiloves.

Surprisingly writing that stuff out actually helped. Shock of all shockers. I've wanted to have a good cry for over a week now. The tears won't come. Can my body really withstanding holding this back? In 2 weeks when I have my last day in the office I know as well as everyone else that I'm going to completely break down. I had to emotionally/physically restrain myself from doing so when my boss and I talked about it last week. He asked how to move was coming, I looked up and him in all innocence and said, "not to well right now - I don't want to go", then proceeded to tear up, turn my head, and not speak so I didn't completely break down. He offered a few words of encouragement as a good boss who's known you for 5 years can do and moved on. The words and the moving along were both appreciated. The next day he sent an appreciation email about me to the team expressing how much he appreciated what I've taken on recently on top of my standard duties. I proceeded to quickly get up and go for a walk outside. Sure - I can cry like a baby while I'm at work but not at home? What the hell? One place I can't for work ethic reasons, the other place I can't physically.

I tried to sleep without medication last night. BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!! WRONG ANSWER!!! I slept like hell. There's a huge part of me that doesn't want to take the medication again tonight. I hate, loathe, and detest feeling reliant on a medication. Especially one that has instant reactions. I know it sounds ridiculous, but its the way I feel about it. I'm the same way about pain meds most of the time. (migraines are a huge exception - I'll take anything in that case).

After speaking with Meghan the other day I think overall right now I just feel like I'm taking on way to much. I think about what has to be done in the next 3 weeks and a literally, actual physical literally feeling nauseated. :( I have to say goodbye to friends, I have to packup at work, I have to packup at home, I need to talk to the utility companies in FL again, I need to talk and meet the movers, I need to make sure the house is completely ready to go, I need to finish planning our 'going away party' that I decided to host this Saturday (am I nuts!?!), I need to make sure we have help getting things down from storage, I need to visit a couple of friends 1 last time for now. Not to mention everything that must be done once getting to Florida. Dave needs to see specialists, find a job, arrange visitation with the boys, work out custody plans -- of course this all means that I'll be arranging for all of that to be done. I need to set up a home office, unpack, get the house organized, look for some form of furniture, and try not have a complete nervous breakdown. Nancy (therapist) agrees with Meghan, I'm trying to take on to much. My response -- who the hell else is going to do it!??! It has to be done. It all has to be done. AND .. even if I try to delegate some of it, I'll cause as much stress to myself worrying if its being done right.

If life is a class, I'm currently getting an "A" for effort but an "F" for feeling like the world is falling and failing around me.

Insomnia

2008-08-09T09:11:00.002-05:00

I've suffered from insomnia on and off for most of my life. There are times it happens, 'just because', but the majority of the time it's stress, pressure, or extreme sadness. Pretty much when anything big is going on or about to happen.

Que move to Florida - Que insomnia that started about a week ago. I was lucky if I was getting more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. 3 or 4 hours of sleep equals a very bitchy, moody, up and down depressed, sometimes angry for no reason person.

I saw my therapist on Wednesday and confessed that I hadn't been taking Lorezapam to help getting to sleep. Lorazepam is an almost instant acting antianxiety strong sedative. In general if I'm starting to have an anxiety attack I take one. In previous years I took 2 to help me sleep through most of the night. Anyhow, I explained to my therapist of 3 years that I was worried about getting addicted. She laughed and told me how silly I was being. I finally agreed that yeah, I was being silly aboout it.

So Wednesday night I took 1 pill, no help really, I got to sleep, didn't stay asleep. Thursday night I skipped again, what can I say, I'm stubborn! Last night I was feeling kind of desperate as it had been a really bad day and it had been more than a week. I took 2. I want to sleep around 1am, woke up about 9:30am. HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! I feel better this morning than I have all week.

Moral of this story: STOP BEING STUBBORN!!!

I probably won't take it nightly up to the move, but likely a couple times a week if the pattern of no sleep remains the same. What's always funny to me is how itty bitty tiny winny the pills are for Lorazepam. 1 pill is a dose of 0.5mgs. I seem to be fairly sensitive to the med. I'm not sure how others handle the drug, but I'm sure there are others out there that are on higher doses to help them out.

Anyhow .. I'm thrilled I got the sleep because today Dave's family is treating us by going to Fenway Park!!! WOO!!! We wont be watching the Red Sox, instead we'll be watching the AAA Team, for those who dont know, in general these men are the up and coming Red Sox team. We have amazing seats, 4 rows behind home plate! Thank you Jim!!! (Dave's brother). I've never been to Fenway or a live baseball game so this will be a really awesome treat for me. :)

I've got to go hit the shower and head downstairs. Perhaps I'll write after.

Hard to let go

2008-08-06T21:04:00.003-05:00

I've written a little bit about some of the things I'm losing by moving to Florida, but have done my best on and off not to dwell on it. I think the closer the move comes the more freaked out I'm going to get. As some people know, I really don't do big change well, at all. I'm feeling the loss today. We just had 9 new hires start in my department and for the next 2 weeks I get to do my favorite part of my job. Teach and train! There is SO much information packed into the first 2 weeks of an examiners life and it can be a very stressful time for a new hire. I love making it fun for them, I love keeping them interested, I love seeing their faces light up when something clicks, I love answering their questions, I love seeing them progress.. I really love it all. Well, I won't be teaching many classes as a telecommuter and today it sunk in and really hurt. The next 2 weeks will be wonderful at work; but it's going to also be a fairly constant reminder of what will be changing. *sigh*

Ok, enough of that, yes I'm a bit down, but here's a questionnaire I stole to distract my mind and give me something to do before bed.

What time did you get up this morning? 6:50am - get ready - 40mins to work

Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds, most definitely diamonds. I don't have many, but love the couple I have.

What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Mummy 3 this weekend. It was a fun and funny watch.

What is your favorite TV show? Right now, "So you Think you can Dance". Cheezy, yeah, BUT I love dancing and I love watching people dance. When the it's the right Season my favorite show is ER, but close runners are House and Grey's Anatomy.

What do you usually have for breakfast? 16oz iced decaf coffee. Fresh Egg white omelet with spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes, cheese, ham. It lasts me the morning and into the early afternoon. $3.50 for both at my cafeteria at work. Yum!

What is your middle name? May. Love it. Named after both my grandma's. Rachel and May.

What food do you dislike? There's not a whole lot I strongly dislike, but I'm not a big fan of liver, lima beans, or peas.

What is you favorite CD at the moment? Been listening to Avril Lavinge (sp) and Evanensence recently.

What kind of car do you drive? 2003 Toyata Matrix - it's been great to us. No complaints.

Favorite sandwich? Rueben has always been my favorite, but right now not eating something like that.

What characteristic do you despise? People who think it's okay to lie. Any lie is a problem, any lie is a mistake, I have huge trust issues. Even if you think it's going to hurt someone, tell the freaking truth for gawds sake. In the end, it works out better.

Favorite item of clothing? Capri's right now. Cause I could never wear them before. :)

If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? LARGE toss up between Ireland and Thailand. I'm desperate to go to both.

Where would you retire to? Not sure. Somewhere close to family I think.

What was your most recent memorable birthday? Right now I'd say my most recent one was the most memorable. My memory is pretty well shot and messed up so most recent things are generally the most memorable. lol. Woke up to two huge bouqets of flowers on either side of the bed. Dave's family threw me a really nice birthday dinner home cooked by his brother. They bought me all kinds of presents - they totally went over the top. It was my first birthday with my family-in-laws and they made it really special. Dave got me the diamond studs that I wanted so badly. =)

Furthest place you are sending this? Not really sending it to anyone but I suppose anyone could read my blog from all over the world.

When is your birthday? May 25th

Morning person or a night person? Night person. I hate mornings.

What is your shoe size? 9ish, give or take 1/2 size depending on the maker of the shoe.

Pets? Two snakes, ball pythons. Lucien and Cynkane.

Any exciting news you’d like to share with us? The biggest excitement going on in life is I'm moving to Largo, FL in about 3 weeks. Exciting but scary as hell.

What did you want to be when you were little? Vet or horse trainer. Vet - stopped school at 2 years. Horse trainer - I've worked with several horses and riders, but it's not my profession. I'll be starting that up again in Florida which is something huge I'm looking forward to.

What is your favorite flower? Wildflowers. I looove all kinds of wildflowers. Standard flowers are Roses and Lilies. A mix of all 3 is always perfect.

What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to seeing? September 2nd. The move will be over and I can start to adjust to the new life instead of stressing over whats to come.

What are you listening to right now? Law and Order (I love the show too L!!!)

What was the last thing you ate? Tuna salad with rye triscuits. Tuna had onions, celery and walnuts chopped and mixed in.

Do you wish on stars? Sometimes. Once in awhile a passing by wish.

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Midnight Blue - my favorite color. :)

How is the weather right now? I think it's around 60 outside, it's been a fairly cool day.

Last person you spoke to on the phone? My sister, Ris.

Favorite soft drink? Sometimes I'll still sip at a tiny bit of Diet Coke, one of my favs before surgery. Now my favorites are crystal light and sugar-free cocoa.

Favorite restaurant? Not Your Average Joes. They so rock. They have huge portions though. Now days when we go out to eat we generally do mexican.

Favorite color? Blue

What was your favorite toy as a child? Horse models of all types. :)

Summer or winter? Spring. Summer is too hot. Winter is too cold. =P

Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate

Coffee or tea? COFFEE!!!!!!

When was the last time you cried? Today - saw my therapist, talked a lot about being so stressed recently and not sleeping.

What is under your bed? Not really sure. I know a couple of books, dunno what else.

What did you do last night? Watched TV. Slept.

Salty or sweet? Both. Right now, I'm enjoying dried blueberries, cranberries, and almonds. <------- I completely agree with this.

How many keys on your key ring? 3

How many years at your current job? Just celebrated my 5 years as well. July. :)

Favorite day of the week? Saturday.

Do you make friends easily? I wish I did. However, the friends I do have, my true friends, generally stay friends for quite a long time. :)

Just another day

2008-08-03T20:40:00.003-05:00

It's for the most part been an uneventful weekend. More than anything Dave and I have been continuing to work at getting ready for our move. Yesterday we finished going through every stack, scrap, box, file folder, etc of papers that have been stacking up and sorted them all out. After about 5 hours of shredding, organizing, and writing tabs for file folders things are for the most part put in the places they should be. (yeah - we really let it get that far behind). Another time after we move I'd like to make a project of going through each category and organizing things by dates - but that isn't an urgent priority.

Today we finished going through all of the boxes from Dave's old storage unit. Thank GOODNESS! .. What a crazy insane process. I'd say that we either threw away or gave away a good half of what was there. About 70% of what we're keeping is packed and ready to go. The rest needs to be put in boxes and organized. The boxing tends to be more of my speciality. :) However, currently we need to pick up a few more.

We had to call the moving company and add on several more boxes to our total along with a few other misc. things I had forgotten. (sewing machine / ironing board) The cost of using a moving company makes my stomach churn, but I know in the long run it'll be worth it. It's about $600-800 more than what it would cost for us to rent a truck, drive the truck, and load/unload everything ourselves. The extra $600-800 is really worth not having to haul our furniture and boxes down 2 flights of stairs (current apt) and up another flight of stairs. (apt we're going to). Plus this way we can feel more relaxed about stopping by some friends houses along the way down to Florida.

It's amazing, the move is literally only a few weeks away and some part of my mind has still not completely wrapped around that this is really happening. I think that I'm taking in as much as I can at once -- perhaps to remain sane? Yeah, I think so.

Weight loss is slow but steady. Each week I generally lose at least a little bit. I have stalls here and there, but overall its evening out to 1-2 pounds a week. I know there's probably more that I could be doing, but with the stress recently it's been hard to concentrate on.

Tonight we went and saw Mummy 3, it was a fun watch. Nothing epic, but definitely fun. I love action flicks of all kinds and I like that the Mummy movies include a lot of humor. They've all been fun watches. One of Dave and I's favorite pass times is going out to the movies and we do it a LOT. In the last month we've also seen Dark Knight (amazingly good) and Hancock (we really enjoyed it). If something is out that we want to see we generally go each weekend or every other weekend. I get discount passes from work so it ends up being a fairly cheap date for us at $6 a person. It'll be a bit more inconvienant once we move but I'll still be able to mail a check up and have them mail passes down.

Speaking of work, there's a lot happening on that front too. I've been travelling to our offices in Portsmouth, NH and Windsor, CT quite a bit. We're getting my system at work all setup with the appropriate security software for me to take the computer off site. Papers to sign saying I'll continue being the great employee I am when working from home. ;) .. mostly legal stuff. Meetings with the bosses. Meetings with my team. I think it's actually very likely that leaving work is going to be the hardest part about this move for me. I spend the majority of my time at work! .. My team .. my work friends .. the people I hang out with at the bar afterwards. It makes me heart ache to leave it behind. No, it's not an "I think", it's an I know; leaving the people in my workplace will be by far the hardest thing - most of my friendships in Boston have been made there. Ok, enough of that - no getting teary at the moment. Gads I'm weepy recently. At least I tear up a lot. The actual crying hasn't happened quite yet. (oh it will..)

Overall other than being insanely busy life has been good. Dave and I have planned a trip to Six Flags for tomorrow. This is our 3rd time trying to go. Mother Nature seems to have it in for us. The weather always says it'll be gorgeous and BAM the day comes that we're going and it's all thunder and lightning. It was supposed to be 100% sunny tomorrow but now it's showing scattered storms between 1pm-6pm. Scattered storms we can deal with but we'll see when we checkout the forecast in the morning. Of course Tuesday shows sunny all day. *eyeroll* The weather has been nuts this summer. Thunder and lightning probably 4 to 5 out of 7 days a week constantly. I love storms .. so I don't mind it. It's just crazy how much it's been storming the last 1-2 months.

Anyhow, I've been babbling on for awhile now. Signing off to try and find sleep. (it's been eluding me recently)

I'm back! .. and bored now.

2008-07-27T15:47:00.003-05:00

The pool party was fun - I love to swim so being in a pool for a couple hours was great. All the gals are a blast. We took a new pictures but I haven't downloaded them yet. Maybe that'll be something new to do. Does anyone have the problem when uploading pictures to the blog that it always sticks it in the very top??? No matter where I want it?? It's quite annoying. I can't move the picture, so then I have to move my text.

Stole this questionarre from one of my gals blogs. :) Thanks darlin'! :)

1) What do you add to your coffee? Non-Fat milk, splenda. Iced sometimes. Decaf all the time now. My favorite when I have the money is a Skinny, Decaf Cinnamon-Dolce Latte from Starbucks. Oh my yum.

2) What are you reading now? Book 5 of the Wheel-Of-Time series.

3) Do you own a gun? Nope. Dave has a shotgun, but it's not currently functional - it was his grandfathers.

4) Are you registered to vote? Actually no. *ducks* I've never registered for a ridiculous reason. Never been called for Jury Duty or any other government thing. I will agree with Obama in '08!! .. and he will likely be what finally makes me register.

5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Most of the time not anymore. Used to though.

6) What do you think of hot dogs? Eh.. like them once in awhile, but not usually.

7) Favorite Christmas Song? Silver Bells and White Christmas. Love them.

8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Hot cocoa or coffee

9) Can you do push ups? HAHAHA! ..no.

10) What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Uhmmmm.. first serious one, Brandon.

11) What’s your favorite piece of jewelery? My engagement ring. Platinum Tacori Ring, large dark blue sapphire round cut in the center with square cut (princess) diamonds lining the sides. Filigree on the sides of the ring. Dave did good. (although I did pick it out .. hehe).

12) Favorite hobby? Horseback riding, thank gawd I'm starting up again in Florida. Reading. Swimming. Scrapbooking. I can't pick just one. :)

13) Do you work with people who idolize you? Not really? Maybe? I kind of think if they idolized me it'd be odd. Most of my team really like me though. :)

14) Do you have ADD? Nope.

15) What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? Lack of self confidence when it comes to being around men I don't know. Drives me nuts. I'm getting better though.

16) What’s your Middle name? May

17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? My middle name is my Grandmothers name. (see last question). Answering this question. Honey is sleeping.

18). Name 3 things you bought yesterday? Uhmmmmm.. thinking. Oh .. we went out to lunch. So, a beer, a margarita, and burrito. (not all for me).

19) Name 3 beverages you regularly drink? Iced coffee, crystal light, other random pre-flavored waters.

20) Current worry right now? Our move.

21) What side do you dress to? I'm not sure what this means either? If it's supposed to be one size?? Currently about an 18.

22) Favorite place to be? Home usually. Otherwise out with friends.

23) How did you bring in the New Year? Uhm.. crap. I can't remember. We did something ..

24) Where would you like to go? Arizona. I'd like to see my Mom, sister and nephew right now. I miss them all the time.

25) Name three people who will complete this? L already did, so no one else most likely. :) Unless I post it on MySpace too.

26) Whose answers do you want to read the most? Already read them. :) On L's

27) What color shirt are you wearing? hehe.. none. I'm usually a nudist when I'm at home. lol.

28). Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Ewww.. no. Definitely not. We have two sets of 1000 count sheets we got from our Wedding. LOVE them.

29) Can you whistle? Yep, but not loudly.

30) Favorite colors(s)? Blue Blue Blue! :) Silver and Black as well.

31) Could you be a pirate? What a funny question. Sure! ... Why not! As long as I don't have to go into water I can't see the bottom of.

(side thought -- we interupt this questionnaire to say HOLY CRAP we're having a massive thunderstorm!!!!!! It ROCKS!!! ..

32) What songs do you sing in the shower? None that I can think of

33) Favorite girls name? I like Samantha a lot and I've always loved Rachel and Rebekah. :) Go figure .. mine and my sister's name.

34) Favorite boy’s name? Carter, Connor, Keith are a few.

35) What’s in your pocket right now? No pockets - I'm nekkid.

36) Last thing that made you laugh? Getting stuck in a little kids innertube this afternoon. LOL .. I just HAAAD to squeeze my shoulders through it one at a time. Dave had to pull it off. lmao. I'm such a silly dork sometimes.

37) Best bed sheets as a child? No clue. I think I had all solid colored sheets.

38). Worst injury you’ve ever had? Uhm, wow. I've had a few. The most painful was probably turning my ankle. I hairline fractured the ankle bone and tore two ligaments or tendons.. don't remember which now. I've broken several bones.. but tearing the tissue was by far the worst pain I've ever ever felt. My ankle still isn't the same. If I step wrong it turns over a bit still. Very frustrating. :P

39) Do you love where you live? No, it's way to expensive and I don't like the snow. I do love the people that I'm with around here though.

40) How many TVs do you have in your house? One in our apartment. Other's throughout our family's house below us.

41) Who is your loudest friend? Literally loud? Probably Dave. He's shy at times, but he get's literally loud a lot of the time when he talks. It's a habit formed because of my father-in-law being partially deaf.

42) How many dogs do you have? None. :( We're hoping to get one when we move to Florida though! :)

43) Does anyone have a crush on you? Dunno. Possibly?

44) What are the most fun things you ever did? Hmm.. camping with 1000's of people in Lumberton, MS. (SCA thing each Spring - best times ever). Flashing in New Orleans. :) LOL. With my lovely husband and his big burly friend to protect me. Deep sea fishing on our honeymoon. (even though we didn't catch anything). Probably many other things, but I can't think of others right now.

45) What are your favorite books? I dont have any huge favorites. I read a lot, but usually only read a book once. I did love the Gunslinger series from Stephen King - even though the very end kind of sucked. And a sci-fi series that was called Mallorean I believe.. that was an awesome series that I never wanted to end.

46) What is your favorite candy? Dark Chocolate now. It's one of the only ones I can eat. Preop, Twix.

47) Favorite Team? Patriots, Red Sox, and Mariners

48). What songs do you want played at your funeral? Up to my family on the songs or if they want to do a funeral. They know that I want to be cremated though and dumped somewhere that there are horses.

49) What were you doing at 12 AM? Sleeping

50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? What time is it?

Thunderstorm is over now ... booooooooo!.. I love storms.

Hooray!!! I hit 50pds lost!! :)

2008-07-24T19:09:00.004-05:00

Finally!!!!!!! :) This last month has been all about slooow losing; at least it has been compared to the weeks before that. This morning I was thrilled to see that I had hit my first big mini-goal! 50pds!! Wow!! 278pds down to 228pds. Just typing it looks cool! I took my measurements a few days ago as well. See below:

On May 12th: (the first measurements I took after surgery)
Bicep: 17.25
Neck: 15
Thigh: 32
Calf: 19.5
Saddlebags: 53.75
Hips w/ pooch: 52
Waist: 44.5
Under boobs: 39
Across boobs: 47

On July 24th: (a few days ago)
Bicep: 16.75 - loss of .5
Neck: 14.5 - loss of .5
Thigh: 30.5 - loss of 1.5
Calf: 19 - loss of .5
Saddlebags: 52 - loss of 1.75
Hips w pooch: 48.5 - loss of 3.5
Waist: 41.25 - loss of 3.25
Under boobs: 37.5 - loss of 1.5
Across boobs: 46 - loss of 1

Total inches lost so far: 14 inches. Yay! .. I don't know what the standard is but I'm super happy about it. :)

In other news, it's been a really really really difficult, stressful, and hard week for me. Probably one of the worst I've had in a very long time. It seemed that every day something more horrible or painful was happening than the day before. Several nights I thought about writing in my blog about it, but I just didn't feel like sharing the negativity I was feeling. Thursday I slipped into some very deep depression, Friday I slipped out in order to help a friend in need. (sometimes things happen for a reason). A dear friend of mine lost her mother this week. Something I can't even imagine the pain of happening; quite suddenly the sorrow I had felt all week long didn't seem that severe any longer. The wake and funeral were on Friday and Dave and I attended to offer our love and support. I felt for her; and again, I can't even imagine. My own mother is one of my best friends and currently I don't know how I would survive losing her. The thought scares me horribly. I try not to dwell on it.

On a happier note. Dave and I got a (ton* of moving stuff done yesterday. It doesn't show when we look around, but it was all things that really needed to be done. We took about 5 bags of clothes/shoes, 2 large boxes, an old aquarium set, and some boooks to a Thift Store. We donated an additional box of books to a struggling Used Book Store that we love thats located near by. We sorted through 2 large boxes of paperwork that needed to be filed or shredded (that took forever and we still have some of it to do). We also went to our storage unit and counted our current boxes to have a more accurate total to give to the moving company. (many more boxes than initially thought which will drive the price up .. but it's better to know that now).

Today is the second Get Together for my Bariatric Weight Loss group from online. We're having a pool party at one of the gals houses and I can't wait! It's going to be a blast. We all met at www.obesityhelp.com, an excellent and very supportive website of friends. (although I'm not a huge fan of the name of the site). Anyhow, we need to run -- time to grab the few things we need at the store and head to the party! :)

Blah

2008-07-14T21:42:00.001-05:00

I haven't felt much like writing these last couple of days. I thought I'd at least stop by my "blogger dashboard" and say that I'm very bleh feeling.

Emotional - what a day.

2008-07-08T22:06:00.003-05:00

Today was a perfect example of how emotional I get sometimes. I will say that I had good reason. Dave and I's move to Florida is coming up quickly, right now the official date is August 26th. For the first time today I typed that it's only about 6 weeks away and writing it brought out all the fear feelings again and the sadness over leaving.

I've worked in my position at my office for five years now and I'm very happy to say that the company is letting me telecommute from Florida so that I don't have to leave the company. In my time at the company I've moved up the chain through 3 positions and met so many wonderful people. Several of which I've known for the full 5 years and have a strong attachment to. One of those people, I totally sweet gal I know, came over and left a silly note for me on my desk this morning. I laughed and went over to get her but on the way the sadness of it hit me; that there'll be no more silly notes on my desk, that I can't walk over to her and joke around, that we can't go outside for the occasional sneaky-smoke, that I can't go to the bar after work with her for a drink .......annnnnnnd the tears came on big time. Not a very easy thing to hide, deal with, or be comfortable with in an office with more than 3000 people when you're in a leadership position! My friend and I disappeared outside for a bit for hugs, sneaky-smoke, and a talk and afterwards I hid in my cubby-hole of a desk until I got my emotions back under control. Tomorrow I have a 1 on 1 with my boss and I'm going to make it fairly clear that I don't want a goodbye / see-ya-later party at work. I know for a fact that I'll do nothing but cry through the whole thing. I'm a total sap and when it comes to facing the fact that I'm leaving several friends and people I'm close to, I just know I won't hold it together well.

On a happy note, my friend Barbara that I spoke about in a previous post is coming into Boston tomorrow for a visit! Hooray!!! I can't wait to see her. She's going to meet me at my office, we'll head to my place to change, and then it's into Boston for dinner and a couple of drinks. No big alcohol for me, maybe 1 Bloody Mary, for now that stuff is a big no no to stay away from mostly. Besides, we have to get up and work together in my office the next day. :) I don't think I mentioned in yesterday's post that Barbara and I met when I started training her as a member of my work team in the Windsor, CT office.

It's late and I'm off to bed.

Friends

2008-07-07T22:57:00.002-05:00

I've been lucky to have several throughout my life. Many people who have made a difference by being there for me, helping me through a hard time, or just being that friend that is awesome to hang out and party with. Sadly some have been lost and even more sad is that some have been lost due to some form of extreme betrayal that I won't get into here - not now anyway. Happily, several I still have and I love and adore them all.

Sometimes you come across a new and very special friend that you have an immediate and awesome connection with, someone that just gets you, and tonight there's one specific person that I think about entirely when referring to this. Love ya B!

She and I come from very similar backgrounds, we share interests in the same things, I would swear sometimes we share the same brain, and from the first time we spoke we had an immediate connection that has only gotten stronger over the last couple of months. I told her within the first 2 weeks of knowing her that I felt like we must be soul sisters and I believe it now more than ever. I know I'd do all I could to protect her in any situation and I know she'll always be a person that I can laugh and be silly with. I know that if I need a shoulder to cry on some night or day she'll always listen and I know that if I just need someone to keep me company, even if it's on the phone, she'll always be there. I can only hope that she knows I would do all of the above and more for her at any time. Some might call me foolish to put that kind of faith in someone so quickly -- especially given my past -- but there are some circumstances you come across in life where you just know that it's the way it's supposed to be. This friendship is one of those things.

Tonight we laughed ourselves silly talking about TV shows, blogs, our work boyfriends(I'll explain sometime), pictures, etc. During one of those TV shows we were watching, we had moments of sitting in silence on the phone, just watching the show, and it was great! It's hard to explain - but I think I heard it said once that the way you can tell if you have a really really good and close relationship (with a friend / bf / husband / family / etc), is that while you can have an intellectual conversation with them, or a funny conversation when them, you can also sit in silence and enjoy just hanging out with each other.

B, if you ever read this, it may be cheeeeeeezy, but it's a blog all about you! You're freaking awesome and I'm thrilled beyond thrilled that we met! :)

Catching up

2008-07-05T17:53:00.008-05:00

I've been meaning to write more often, really really I have, but life has been incredibly busy and a bit stressful recently. I suppose the stress part would be all the more reason to write a bit more. :)

So .. I'm taking the time today to write quite a bit and catch up on a couple things that have happened recently.

1st - My weight loss:
Most know who are reading that I had a gastric bypass on April 21st, thats uhmmm, about 10 weeks ago now. As of this morning I've lost 37 pounds so far. WooHoo!!!! Everything else is going fairly well. I've had what some refer to as a 'grouchy pouch' the last couple of weeks, but this would probably start to settle down if I stopped trying to push some of the foods that my tummy just doesn't seem to except. For example, Protein bars: excellent source of my needed protein, some great ones low carb, low calorie, low sugar, low fat -- but my stomach hates them. I keep trying a few different ones and honestly I should really give that up. Roast Beef: *Any Kind* not just deli, but also cooked and sliced; who knows why but it makes me incredibly sick. Tummy hates it! .. I do fine with ground beef, steak, pot roast -- but roast beef -- the stomach will have none of it! .. so after the 3rd try I'm totally giving it up. (for now at least, maybe I'll retry in a couple of months - that's how the docs say to do it).

Part of this surgery is learning the different ways that my body will react and deal with things. Perfect example are the foods above. Another would be that I used to love to gulp down water, now I know that I need to drink it fairly slowly. Gulping water doesn't work when my little stomach can't keep up with draining the water out the other side.

I'm still very happy with my decision, even with the few struggles that I've had on and off. It hasn't been easy by any means, but I don't think any kind of weight loss is, no matter what way you approach it from.

2nd - Our move to Florida:
It's coming up and it's coming up quickly!!! The good news, a lot of my anxiety about going has gone away. In fact, I'm actually starting to get somewhat excited about going. (go figure) It's a new adventure, we'll be close to the boys, and the cost of living is going to be so much easier to manage! We found our apartment that we'll be living in. The complex has a site at http://www.waterchaseapts.com/ for anyone who's curious. We're still unsure of the floor plan we'll have as we need to wait until August to know the exact availability, but it will definitely be one of the 2 bedroom floor plans. Ideally we'd like the last one on the list, "The Royal Palm". I'm going to *love* having a washer/dryer in the actual apartment and I really like the layout.
Ok so not a super long post, but at least a couple of updates are provided.

1st Mini-Goal / Father's Day

2008-06-15T20:28:00.004-05:00

The day has been pretty good and this morning started out wonderful for me. I was determined when I set out on my journey of weight loss through bariatric surgery to set mini-goals for myself to make sure I felt accomplishments on the way to my last end goal. Well, this morning I hit my first big mini-goal! I'm down exactly 30 pounds. To be exact I've gone from 271 pounds to 241 pounds. It feels so good to type it. :)

My journey so far hasn't been without problems; however I've been incredibly lucky in having nothing major go wrong. Recently I've been having a lot of nausea on and off when trying to eat. I'm thinking I might just have a touch of the flu but I'm not entirely sure. It's only lasted for about 3-5 days so I'm giving it a bit more time before actually discussing things further with my doctor. I'm still getting in enough fluids and while my food intake is down I'm making sure the majority of it is protein.

Yesterday I got to meet several bariatric friends that I met on OH. (http://www.obesityhelp.com/) I've been organizing a picnic / bbq for the last couple of months and it turned out great. This is a pic of the gals who've had bariatric surgery. We ranged from all levels. 1 being preop, another being 1 week out, others being between 6-9 months, to 1 year out. What a wonderful group of people.

There were a lot of husbands, boyfriends, and kids there as well. It was so wonderful to meet everyone and share story and experiences. We're going to get together again next month at one of the gals houses (who has an inground pool!) .. I can't wait. :)

Today is also Father's Day and that part hasn't exactly gone off without a hitch. Dave's two boys didn't call him and when he called them they stated they had forgotten it was Father's Day. (not exactly true since they were celebrating Father's Day in PA with their uncle). It's been hard on Dave and he's been moody and upset most of the day ... understandably. We had dinner with Dave's Dad and enjoyed the company of family. Dad got a little bit tipsy on wine at dinner and I have to admit was really quite amusing. I thought of my father a couple times today but mostly in passing. July 2nd will be 3 years since his passing but I find myself unable to still think of him for more than a few minutes at a time. I loved him, he knew and possibly still does know this.

A Trying Day

2008-06-10T22:29:00.002-05:00

The day didn't start off to bad. I woke up on time, found an outfit that I liked that fit better than it did last week. Discovered that I had lost another pound in the last few days ... overall, a great start.

Work was a disaster. This last weekend they installed some upgrades and patches to our main claim processing system and since then it has been a mess. Yesterday wasn't so bad, we only crashed once or twice. Today -- it was a nightmare. The system went up and down at least 20 times. About every 15 minutes to 30 minutes. This resulted in me trying to calm team members, trying to find places for everyone's work (and not succeeding since all offices went down) and redirecting team members to other things they could work on other than just claims. *sigh* .. by 4:45pm I was more than ready to leave not at a walk ... but at a run. Tomorrow the back log will be there and we will once again work our asses off to catch up lost ground. Tonight I'll just pray that the system actually works tomorrow!

After work we got together with a couple of friends for dinner and a movie. That went well and we enjoyed ourselves. However, after the movie I tried to discuss some things that were frustrating me with Dave and that went all kinds of wrong. Whoever originally said marriage is hard work, was right in every way possible; and I've only been married a year!!! (as of June 16th). We never finished talking. I dropped Dave off at home and drove around for about an hour alone talking to my newly found great friend, Barbara. The discussion with Dave was around procrastination and feeling like I'm having to remind him of his responsibilities all the time -- where as he doesn't feel like I am or need to. I suppose the answer would be to just stop reminding him or doing things and see what happens?? ... I don't know. Sometimes I just don't have the answers. Maybe tomorrow some insight will come.

The day hasn't gone all wrong .. but it's felt crappy enough. I'll look forward to trying to get some sleep and hopefully I actually will.

A Quick Post (kinda)

2008-06-03T18:01:00.004-05:00

I've been telling myself every day I'm going to post again because I have all kinds of things on my mind; however, I'm currently sharing my laptop with Dave (husband) as his computer's motherboard decided to die a miserable death. We're hopefully that we'll have this problem of sharing a computer fixed in the next couple of weeks.

So .. random thoughts.
Three things I want to write about but I'm sure most don't know about me.
1) I lived homeless and on the streets (by choice-long story) for 6 months when I was 21.
2) I have a 7 year old son who was adopted by a wonderful family when he was born in June 2000.
3) I'm opinionated and I stand up for myself, but I used to be that girl that hid in the corner, avoided talking to anyone, and was mostly that way until 2000 - 2001 when my life began to change drastically for the better.

The basics:
I'm 32 years old, just turned it on May 25th.. eek!! I have 1 birth son who was adopted when he was born - I have a great relationship with his parents. I'm married to a man that I moved over 3000+ miles for after meeting him once and speaking with him for 3 months. We've been together for 5+ years and we've had our ups and downs. Our 1 year anniversary is June 16, 2008. I have two stepsons from my husbands previous marriage. My passions include writing, the outdoors, swimming, all animals especially horses horses horses. There is nothing quite like the bond you can form with an animal - especially one that you have to put your trust in as fully as they trust you.

Okay - so it wasn't a super quick post.... but it was a super quick run down of some info. Need to let that great hubby have the computer now. :)

OH .. one more note (rant): For GAWDS sake work people - if the printer is jammed - UNJAM it!! .. Don't walk away and use another one and leave it there for the next person to deal with.

New Beginnings

2008-05-26T12:49:00.001-05:00

How odd is it to create something new and then discover something from your past. I went to start this blog today and discovered that I already had one... from 2002!! .. I can't for the life of me remember the password to get into it (and my email address has changed) - so I had to create a new one. However - what an interesting thing to come across.

I've been meaning to start (restart) a blog for sometime for many reasons. I need a place to ramble, to write, to vent, and to remember. I've got one of the world's worst memories so it's good for me to write often.

I tend to be a fairly blunt person so this is my one fair warning to all those who read this that sometimes you may not necessary like what I write ... but it's coming from my mind at that moment ... sooo this is me saying take it with a grain of salt and an open mind ... or don't read it.

Moving on .. the biggest change in my life right now is that I chose to and had a RNY Gastric Bypass on April 21, 2008. I have no regrets in the slightest way. I've run into a few problems along the way - but that's to be expected after any major surgery. I'm currently about 22 pounds down with about 90 pounded left to go for me to reach my goal. I've gotten many questions from those around me since my surgery, some of which I'll likely be addressing here over time.

In other news - yesterday was my 32nd birthday. Yikes. I think birthdays stop being fun after the major fun ones. You turn 18 and you can legally buy smokes. You turn 21 and you can legally buy alcohol, get into clubs, and bars. I also had a fabulous 30th birthday that a few of my friends put together. I've realized as each birthday afterwards approachs - it's not much but the knowledge that yup .. I'm getting older. Now that's not so fun ...

I did have a good birthday though. The husband (Dave) did very well. I woke up to a couple of very large bouqets of flowers on either side of the bed. (he gets up a lot earlier than I do). We went out for a long walk in the woods where I took several pictures - very nice and relaxing. He took me out for lunch at one of our favorite Mexican places - On The Border.

Additionally, his family made me a wonderful dinner and got me several gifts -- they're very thoughtful and kind. Karen (sister-in-law) got me a book all about dogs, some bubble bath, and a really nice black stretchy tank that I'm a big fan of. She also picked me up an old-school metal top. Ya know the kind from when we were kids with the push down spinner? Super cool. Jim (brother-in-law) got me a puzzle (obsession of mine), and a Starbucks gift card. (even bigger obsession of mine). Dad (father-in-law) is picking me up a gift card from Macy's or Talbot's -- always a big hit. It was a good day.

Today is Monday, Memorial Day, a day of rememberence and lets be honest - a day to relax and get some things down around the house. I've been a bit moody today, but that seems to be the norm recently for me. Ups and downs of moodiness. I'm beginning to think that's just part of the territory of being female.

It's another bright sunny day, I'm thinking another walk and a trip to Starbucks is in order.

Zaudika's Ramblings and Ravings

Another Day

A year and some odd months.. what happened to 2011?

ENGAGED!!!!!!!

Manic Monday - Meme and truth

Coffee and Sleep

Early

A few changes..

Meme: Sunday Stealing

Update on Sean and Momma's Day

Exhausted and trying not to worry and waiting for answers

Now I'm more awake so what the hell, I'm going to do a Meme.

Tired but filled with excitement..

Christmas Recap

Sunday Stealing - Tell me about yourself

Saturday 9: Leaving on a Jet Plane

Silly people, you have poo on your head...

Multiple Daily Meme's!?!?! Could it be true?!?!

Sunday Stealing - The Party Mummy Meme

Sunday Stealing Meme - Weird Questions Part II

Saturday 9

Sunday Stealing Meme - Weird Questions

Meme for Monday and other stuff

Sunday Stealing - One *LONG* Meme

Sunday Stealing - One of my favorite meme's.

Thursday Thunks! It's that time again! .. Meme's!

Wednesday's Meme appears to be broken.. so Rachology it is.

Pickles!

Writing again..

Time to write after a month off

Torn

An update on my injury...

Horseback Riding Accident

Thursday Thunk by the Thunkers

Direction

Friday Fill-In #115

I had a nose stuck in my ear ...

Stuff

Blah

Friday Fill-ins Meme #106

Feeling halfway normal

Drumming

Just breathe

Almost through the End of the Year Holidays

Manic Monday #147

Unconscious Mutterings #308

Sunday Stealing Meme from the Screaming Masses

Life - is it like this for everyone?

Friday Fill-Ins #103

Oh "F" this.

Wednesday Weirdness #34

Manic Monday #146

Bettie Page - RIP lovely woman

Sunday Stealing: The Christmas Meme

Friday Fill-in

Couple of updates

Sunday Stealing Meme - Battle of the Meme

Friday Fill in #101

One of these days I'll learn -- I hope

Meme: Manic Monday #144

Sunday Stealing Meme

Another Friday Fill-Ins Meme!

Saturday 9

Friday Fill-In #97

Bad things happen to good people

13 Things I'm Missing

Manic Monday -- It definitely was!

Another Day

Friday Fill-Ins

Time

Handbag Contest

Saturday 9 - Friends

Wednesday Weirdness and other ramblings

Sometimes I dont know what to put here?

Time to write a bit

ARRGGGHH!!!

Insomnia

Hard to let go

Just another day

I'm back! .. and bored now.

Sunday Stealing - One LONG Meme