Pickles!

Ok, so I couldn't think of a good title. I seldom can, so I'm just going to blurt whatever comes to mind if I'm having a blank moment.

My honey got home from his trip to Iowa today. Yay! Safe and sound after another 22 hour long drive. Whew! We got to talk tonight for longer than we have for the last week and it was great. He also showed me the present he got for me while he was in Iowa. hehe. We both couldn't wait for the surprise. I LOVE IT! I've never really been able to do the name brand clothes thing as I haven't really been able to afford it or justify to myself spending a lot on myself for clothes. Well, he had mentioned getting me something name brand eventually and did. WOOOOT!.. Who's a lucky woman? I AM! It's a super cute white, pink, green, fuzzy comfy outfit from Victoria Secret, from the "PINK" clothing line. OMG I can't wait to get it in the mail, it looks so comfy. It's a lighter weight hoody that says "FREE HUGS" in bold letters across the back and then long pants that side "LOVE PINK" down the side. It's got other super cute details too. I'll totally take pictures and put them up once I have them. I'm totally psych'd. :) OH! .. In fact, now that I think of it. I can link a picture from the VS website. Here we go!



...and.....



I have the bestest boyfriend in the whole wide world. :) I've been grinning ear to ear since I spoke with him earlier tonight.

Writing again..

So... I haven't written in a long while... there are several reasons for that. Mostly because I didn't want some people who know about my blog reading about what I had to say. I know, I know, then why journal online? Eh, one of the main reasons is because I type a lot better than I write - not to mention a lot faster. Secondary reason is that when it's saved on the internet it seems to never go away. (which might be a bad thing). I've written in books before and written on hard drives before - a couple of both have been lost - so I write here. And yes, I know my puncuation and spelling sucks, but it's allowed to here.

I think I've mostly decided that I'm not going to write a lot of detail about super emotional personal stuff here; but hell that may change too.

Biggest update. Dave and I are getting a divorce. I moved out at the end of April and then told him at the end of May that I wanted the divorce. There are multiple reasons and sadly he and I don't see eye to eye on most all of those reasons. My biggest heartache about the divorce is losing someone who was my best friend for 7 years. There is no one that has really stood by me in the way Dave did for those years and I will never feel ungrateful for all the support and love he always showed me. He really is such a good person. He's just not one that I'm in love with anymore.

Dave is now dating someone else and has been for a couple of months. I'm also seeing someone else, Sean. I've fallen hard and fast ... it's scary in a lot of ways ... and it's not something I expected at all. The last moment I expected to meet someone so wonderful would be while going through a divorce. I'm not going to go to far into detail about things with he and I at the moment. We'll just say for now that I'm very happy with where things seem to be leading with this very special man.

I've been keeping myself busy. My work with the horses has picked back up and is quite involved. I technically have 5 horses that I'm currently working with or riding, but I'm only riding 2 of them occasionally right now. Katie - I ride out at Patti's barn, but Patti is also doing a lot of work with her for the upcoming show season. Joshua - is my newest project and the one I'm riding the most, he's owned by a woman named Sue that I was introduced to by Patti. Sadie - Is another one of Sue's horses that I ride occasionally. Both Joshua and Sadie are fairly well trained in English and Sue (owner) would like them slowed down for Western, so I'm helping her work on that. I'm bringing Joshua to a lesson clinic Saturday evening. Finally I occasionally ride Blue and Suede. Arthur and Lynn are their owners. They'd like me to work with them a lot more this fall as Arthur will be very busy running his hurricane repair business. It's crazy busy and I love it, but I'm hoping to get settled in to working with only 1 or 2 horses soon so I can show that one specific horse during the show season. I dunno, we'll see how it goes.

I'm dealing with a horrific bout of insomnia recently. I don't really sleep well anymore period. I was hoping that writing would start to get me tired tonight but it seems to have been an idle hope. I've been seeing a therapist down here and the last time I spoke with her she suggested trying to find some hypnotherapy CD's for helping me to get to sleep or stay asleep. I haven't done that yet, but it really might be worth a shot. The lack of good sleep has been messing with my work schedule, and wreaking havic on my emotions. I'm keeping most of the emotional crap contained as I don't want it to bug others and well, for the most part it's not a huge deal and I can handle things fine ... but it's still starting to stress me out.

Anyhow, I'm going to sign out for now, maybe read for a bit and if that doesn't work take half of a sleeping pill to try and help me reach sleep.

P.S. Ewoks are da'bomb.

Time to write after a month off

It's late and I honestly don't know how much I will write, but I've been thinking about it on and off all day so I figured it was a good sign that I was in need of writing again.

I wish I could say things were better. If anything things are more confusing right now than I think they ever have been in my life. I don't know, maybe not. I had some pretty bad years with my ex, but I don't think those were really confusing for me, I was pretty messed up then so I kinda just went with whatever the ex said. *shudder* Ok, moving on from that subject.

My ankle and knee are doing better and improving slowly, but well. My orthopedic doctor was very pleased with my progress when I saw him on 4/27. I start physical therapy this Thursday and I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, with PT I'll be able to go back to riding in a month? It should hopefully be possible. I have to wear the immobilization boot very seldom now which is a relief; I just have to be very aware of where I'm stepping (no uneven ground) and very careful overall. I still get quite a bit of achy pain when I rotate the ankle or am on my feet for more than a few minutes at a time, but I'm told that's all a normal part of the healing process. The weather here has been beautiful and I would love a chance to get out more, but right now I need to limit myself to short walks in the sunlight of about 5 minutes. If I push it I'm asking for a day of pain, being back in the immobilizer for that day, and a swollen ankle and foot. However, I have been trying to spend at least 15 minutes a day in the sunlight in one way or another. It's supposed to help with the blues and be good for the soul right?

Dave and I are now more or less officially separated. He started feeling better, I progressively started feeling worse. I have a lot of frustrations that have built up over the years and when we took time apart, I think it gave me some space to think over everything, and now, I'm just stuck. I don't know what I want anymore. I do know that I'm SO TIRED of always saying "I don't know" because it seems to be the answer in my head to everything I'm asked. Two days ago I moved into a friends place for about a month, probably 6 weeks at most. It's a decision that I made, and Dave accepted the best he could, as I feel I'm not going to be able to figure this out without additional space and time to think. He and I are still 'dating' while I'm in this location. We have plans to see a movie tomorrow and we'll be going to an SCA Event together this upcoming weekend. We both started seeing a marriage counsellor who is currently meeting with us separately. She feels that for right now until we each work through some of our individual problems its the best idea. She advised me this last week to stop trying to rush myself. I'm so desperate to have the right answer that I'm causing myself anxiety attacks and constant stress. So, my new focus for at least the next couple of weeks is to concentrate on one day at a time; to not let anyone push me into making a quick decision, to not try and force myself to come up with all of the answers.

Each day I feel a bit different. Today is another self-hatred day of feeling like I'm just not trying hard enough; that if I was a good person, a good wife, I wouldn't ever consider the possibility of divorce. Yet here I am, on a fence, looking both ways and having no idea which side I'm supposed to land on. The constant turmoil is enough to drive a person insane. How do people know? How do people actually make decisions like this? Right now I'm stuck with feeling it's not possible to make a decision and I'll be in limbo land forever.

Torn

I feel like my emotions have gone completely haywire. I know there are a lot of reasons for it. Let's make a list.. shall we? Sure, lists are sometimes good - besides, it lets me vent:

I'm PMSing
I'm temporarily crippled and housebound
I'm missing Boston and my friends
I'm going through Gulf War withdrawls
I want to be closer to my Fayne Family as I always want to be this time of year
I'm missing what started to be a great friendship that I can't continue
I'm on pain meds that leave me tired and groggy
I'm missing my horse and being able to ride
I *know* that it's going to be months before I can ride again and it kills me
I'm feeling sorry for myself and it pisses me off
I have a husband sleeping in a separate bedroom
I miss my nephew who's way to far away from me
I miss my blood family who are all in the Arizona and Seattle area
I'm in pain even with the meds because I don't want to take them that often
I'm not currently working which makes me worry
Dave is still out of good work and is incredibly stressed and depressed
I haven't been able to take a shower in 5 days and its disgusting! Wipe down baths just don't do it people
I'm overwhelmed ........ gods I'm just so overwhelmed


We had the boys for a night this weekend which was good. It brought a change in the routine. A friend of ours invited us over for dinner and for the boys to go swimming in her pool. She and her husband took care of me and babied me which gave Dave a good break from it; plus the kids had a really great time in her pool. We have a pool at our complex but this made it so we could have a couple of drinks, relax, and hang out with our friends without the noise of neighbors and the need to sit out publicly with the community.

An update on my injury...

An update ......

First, thank you everyone for your well wishes. I really appreciate it. It's going to be a long road of recovery and I'm not looking too forward to it. I've been basically bedridden for only 3 days and I feel like I'm ready to jump out of my skin already.

I saw the orthopedic surgeon today and absolutely hated him. If anyone is ever down in the Clearwater, FL area and someone refers you to a Dr. Morris for ortho surgery, request someone else! Overall I believe he did what was needed, but I'm going to speak with a friend of mine about getting a second opinion.

Overall information first and then I'll tell you about the doctors appointment and why the Doctor pissed me off so bad:

1) Rebel (horse) is doing pretty good. His front left knee is pretty swollen and he has a few scrapes, but he came out of the accident fairly well. Thank god. I'd be even more of a wreck if anything had happened to him.

2) It will be at minimum 2 months before I have the view from the back of a horse again. (yes, of course it was one of my first questions). For those who have ridden, you know that the majority of your strength from riding comes from your legs. Not only do your muscles need to be in good shape, but your joints as well as your ankles and knees are bent at specific angles and rotated for various control.

3) As of today, I do not need surgery. WOOHOO! I'll have a recheck in 2 weeks and the final determination will be made at that time. If I need surgery anywhere, it's likely going to be my knee. My knee has more damage to it than initially thought.

4) My ankle is now stabilized in a cushion surrounded by steel boot. While it's heavy and a pain to hobble around in, it's also great! Between the cushion and the steel, my ankle is completely immobilized. This includes when I put some pressure on the foot, which is allowing me to place my foot down while using the crutches. I have a much greater amount of stability and a lot less pain due to the very limited / no motion of the foot any longer. Yay for that!

Ok, so why this Doctor is a complete loser. I got to my appointment and got back to the exam room no problem. The nurses were all great and very patient with me, given that I move very slow on the crutches. After about 5 minutes in the room I hear a deeper voiced gentleman talking on the phone outside the room and I 'jokingly' said to Dave, that must be my Doctor. I was actually pretty happy with the fact because I figured it'd be a couple minutes more and then he'd be in the room with me .. woohoo! No no no. His phone conversation lasted about another 15 minutes, and this 15 minute conversation wasn't all medical. It started that way, but then it turned into a very chatty, visiting with a friend type of conversation. Ok ... so I'm starting to get annoyed.

Finally, he gets off the phone and I'm thinking 'Thank God, he's coming.. ". NOPE! He stood around in the hall, right outside the door of the exam room, chit chatting with the nurses and other Doctors for another 15-20 minutes. About skiing, and steak, and this amazing shrimp he had that tasted so good it was like lobster with every bite and how his two favorite hobbies were skiing and eating!!!!!!! .. On and on and on!!!!!!!! I would've left if my injury wasn't so severe and I thought I could quickly see someone else. However, I knew both of those things would take more time so I decided to suck it up.

So, after 30-40 minutes of listening to his chitchat, he comes into the room and introduces himself and asks me to get up onto the table. (I had taken a seat in the chair as the nurse suggested due to my inability to get onto the table). I looked at him with kind of a blank stare for a moment and explained that I couldn't put any weight on the foot/leg and so I couldn't get onto the table. He looked at Dave and then me and said you've got this man here with you, I'm sure you can manage it okay, said he'd be right back, and left. Ooooooook....... so, with Dave's assistance, I did get up onto the flat table with very little problem. Ok, he was right about that, no biggie. He comes back in and asks me to turn around on the table so I'm facing the other way. (my leg was on the far side of him, silly error on my part) As I start to swing around he grabs ahold of my bad ankle to try and assist me and I froze. I calmly explained that him holding onto my ankle hurts ... he continues to try and help me turn while holding my ankle ... I explain again to *PLEASE* let go of my ankle because it hurts and I'll shift around. He dense brain finally understands and I turn and lay down facing the other direction. At this point as I'm sure you all can understand, I'm concerned and worried. Mr Morris (since I don't even feel he deserves to be called Doctor anymore) seems very distracted and hurried, BUT I think to myself, the exam will be over soon, so I can make it through this and go from there.

I explain to Mister Morris my accident, what happened, and the type of pain I've been in. He starts by trying to lay my leg flat. I explain I can't do that because my heel will be pressing down on the table and pressure on the heel hurts too. He seems annoyed by this point. So he props a small pillow under my calf to make it so I can straighten at the knee completely....... and he starts to prod my knee. Ok, let me clarify that I understand that an exam of an injury hurts, it can really hurt sometimes because the Doctor is trying to figure out how severe the problem is, HOWEVER, if the Doctor is a good Doctor they tend to listen to their patient and make sure they're not going to kill them in the process. As Mr. Morris began examining my knee I instantly tensed up because it was instantly very painful, I very clearly said, that's really really hurting while gasping at the small prods he was making. He muttered in my direction, "I know I know.. I need to do the exam though.. give me a moment". He then proceeded to push HARD down on the knee. I didn't grunt, groan, gasp ... I screamed. You can ask Dave or anyone else that knows me, I pretty much don't scream, especially in a Doctors office as it'd be embarassing, but it hurt just that bad. I screamed and instantly burst into tears and begged him, "please.. please please stop ... you're hurting me so bad". Low and behold that did get through to him and he stopped and moved onto my ankle. Thankfully he only did small rotations and softer prodding in that area to get his 'exam' done.

He ordered a few more xrays, left the room, and I turned to Dave who looked ready to go after the guy and tear his head off and said, "He might as well have thrown the damn horse on me again with how badly he just hurt me."

The new xrays were also negative and that was pretty much the end of the traumatizing experience. His kind and gentle nurses took care of the rest thank God. They scheduled me for a 2 week followup (which won't be kept) and I was on my way in my new, heavy, clunky, but comfortable steel boot.

Anyhow, I'll be writing a letter to the Doctor who referred me to him, because I think that Dr (who was very kind) should know what an idiot this guy is and I'll also be finding out if there's a clinic manager that I can write to at the location Mr. Morris works at. Mr. Morris who's at least 70 years old and should have retired 45 years ago based on what I saw of his care today.

Thanks again for your support everyone ... I'll keep you all update to date!

Horseback Riding Accident

So... I thought it would be a good idea to write about the accident here and then post it on my Facebook as well as my standard blog. I've had a few questions and know there will be more, so this is an excellent way to answer everyone at once! :)

For those who don't know, I lease a horse named Rebel. He's a beautiful stocky Paint who stands at 15'2 and weighs approximately 1200 pounds.
Rebel has some old bad habits with his gaits and so I've been working hard to teach him to canter correctly. Slow, easy, controlled, while bending. He's struggling to learn but overall doing fairly well. He has stumbled with me on him, but never come completely down on me. That all changed last night...
We had been riding for about 30 minutes, he was nice and warmed up, and I took him into the round pen as it helps keep him well in control and forces somewhat of a bend. We picked up the canter, he was doing so *great*, but then broke his stride into a fast trot. I squeezed with my legs to push him back into the canter and when he went to pick it up, he stumbled ... didn't regain his balance ... and went all the way down.

I felt him falling, kicked my feet free and hit the ground with my hands and forearms first, catching myself; and for a millisecond thought I was okay, until I felt his body come down on top of my left leg. They say to judge your pain on a scale of 0-10, this was by far a 10 on the pain scale and I screamed louder than I probably ever have.

Next door to the stables I ride at is a mental institute and one of the men who work there was outside taking a break and saw most of it happen. He scaled their 12 foot chainlink fence (landing in a pile of horse poo on the other side I might add) and was almost instantly at my side. Total sweetheart. He had a friend call 911, and by that time the barn manager and several others were by my side as well.

..............and... I apologize but I'm going to have to finish working on this later due to my mixture of codeine and tylenol having knocked me out again. I can't keep my eyes open. Write more later....

So... funny thing... I had to re-read everything I typed earlier due to the meds because I couldn't really remember any of it.

Anyhow, the firetruck paramedics got to the stables first. After checking my head, neck, back, and hips and being assured everything was alright in those areas they went to my foot. Sadly I was sobbing and begging to just pass out the whole time. I just wanted the pain to stop. One of the paramedics was so extra kind, he kneeled down next to me and started to talk gently to me, asking me random misc questions and asking me to breathe his speed (I was hyperventilating). I appreciated him so much. He's also the one who held my hands and let me scream practically directly into his face while they unzipped my riding boot and pulled it off.

About 10 minutes in the ambulance got there and they loaded me up onto a stretcher and into the back of the ambulance. Again, the paramedics were wonderful. They were very sympathetic to the amount of pain I was in and quickly got an IV started. Oh, before they loaded me into the ambulance they had to stabilize my foot/ankle with a pillow and ace bandage and that's when I first realized the deformed angle my foot was laying at. Despite my begging for them to not touch it and leave it alone, they had to stabilize it and gently talked me through the process. I've felt pain before people, all kinds of pain. Multiple surgery recoveries, broken bones, labor, etc .. this pain I can pretty easily say topped them all.

Once the IV was started they administered my first pain meds and I could've kissed them all in gratitude. Within about 60 seconds my pain of a crying whimpering 10 went down to a breathing easy 2.

We arrived at the hospital and about everything went standard from there. The male paramedics handed me over to the female nurses at the hospital and disappeared fairly quickly. The nurses I had were excellent too. They kept a steady dose of morphine going that had me very loopy and not very aware of anything going on around me. The Dr came into see me and ordered the xrays, he said that he was fairly certain it was either broken or dislocated due to the angle of the foot which at this point was hugely swollen.

It was during his exam that we realized that my knee was also fairly badly injured. I hadn't felt any pain there as of yet, but when he was examining me and pushed down on my knee, I just about shot into the ceiling panels. Ouch! So... xrays ordered for the knee too.

As a surprise to us both. The xray came back with no breaks and no dislocations. The bad news that goes with that is that the injury is worse than either of those and will take longer to heal. As the Dr stated, I have a severe amount of muscle, tissue, and ligament damage. That damage is why my ankle/foot was hanging at such a gross angle; ya see, most of the tissue that holds it in place is torn up. Same diagnosis for the knee, though not quite to the same severity. Additionally, my knee is having some pretty severe sharp pains which may indicate something else is wrong.

The Dr in the ER referred me to a Orthopedic surgeon that I'll be seeing this Thursday at 8:30am. My guess is that he'll be doing an MRI to determine the extent of the damage and we'll go from there.

Until further notice I'm pretty much bedridden. I'm taking codeine with tylenol and will be taking Ultram (? - I think) once we get it from the pharmacy today. The foot and knee need to be above my heart level so being on my back in bed is about the only fix. Thank goodness for laptops.

Anyhow, I'll keep everyone posted on how things go and what the verdict is after my appointment on Thursday.

Thursday Thunk by the Thunkers

It's something to do to pass the time ... it works ...

1. What is your favorite type of soda (if you drink soda)? Diet Coke when I drink it. I don't do soda very often.

2. Do you believe in astrology? If so, what does your sign say about you? To a point. I'm a Gemini which is often considered the "twins" sign. It fits me well. I'm one person but feel like two fairly often in my life and mind. I'm also incredibly indecisive all the time.

3. Who is John Galt? I have absolutely no idea. I could google it, but I'm not. :)

4. What is the last thing you do before you go to sleep at night? Depends on the night. Read, snuggle, take my meds.

5. Who's your Daddy? Uhm.. well. Technically he's the dude that was the owner of the little spermy that went after my Mommy's egg and created me. :) His first name was David. The majority of his life was lived well loving me and his family. RIP Dad.

6. Jelly beans or Jelly Bellies? OOooh either or please!

7. What do you think about yellow cars? Why car manufacturers actually made yellow cars? They're not for me, but I suppose manufacturers make them cause some peeps like them.

8. Holding on or Letting go? Right now, I can't really answer this question completely. I'm trying to hold on though.

9. What kind of underwear, if any, do you wear? Bikini cut

10. Who is your daddy and what does he do? Uhm. Didn't we already go there? I don't know what he does - it all depends on what was waiting for him in the afterlife.

11. Spring - is it here yet? Sure is! I'm in Florida.

12. Does Google Streetview scare you? No. I find it kind of handy.

13. What is your favorite brand of ice cream? Skinny Cow

14. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Chocolate and Vanilla together

15. Do you ever get tired of your everyday routine? All the time.

16. What inspires you? My friends and my family.

17. It’s springtime-do you spend more time outdoors? Yep.

18. When do you think Bud will let us see the DVD of him and the french twins? HA! I actually know what this question is referring to. Probably never.

19. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you, and why? There are multiple places. Arizona - where my Mom, Sis, and nephew are. Seattle - where my other Sis and Brother are. Arkansas - where most of my Fayne family is located.

20. Why do you blog? Fun, journalling, the need to vent, etc.

21. What are electrolytes and why are they good for us? You're kidding right? I'm so not trying to go there.

22. Do you twitter? Why or why not? Nope. My twitter is broken.

23. What did you dream last night? I don't remember.

24. What is the strangest thing you've eaten? Hmm.. I've had snails. That's pretty weird. They were really REALLY good, buttery, and garlicky. I also love sushi so most types of raw seafood I've tried.

25. What was the last picture that you took? Pictures from Gulf Wars. Not sure what the last one was of.

26. What is your favorite part of spring? Fresh flowers. The smell of the earth after it's a long rain. Sunny days that have a light breeze so they're not too hot.

27. what is one thing that you did this past week that no one knows about? Well, someone would know about it if I wrote it here. :) Although I honestly can't think of anything I've done that no one knows about.

28. What kind of bandages do you typically have in your household? All types. My hubby is a SCA Fighter.

Direction

I feel like I'm standing in the center. The center of my life perhaps? I don't really know. I don't know a lot right now. I feel lost, empty, and devoid of emotion. How is that possible? How do you feel completely lost and stuck and so empty at the same time. I need something to make sense.
North, South, East, West. In my head they're all representing a different direction I could go right now. Oh yes, and let's not forget Northwest, Northeast, Southwest, Southeast. Longitude and Latitude. 5 degrees or 165 degrees. *sigh*
I need a compass. I need something to show me the right way to move.
I think I should feel fear -- fear of setting out and having it be the wrong way. Yet, I don't feel even fear right now. These last few days I've felt content with taking a seat in this emptiness and not moving anywhere.
If I start to move without a compass I could start moving North and not even know I'm going South.
The sky is dark, there are no stars to guide me. No moon. No sun. No compass.

I have no answers right now. I'm sorry. Please don't enter my darkness, my emptiness, having another soul present won't help. I need a compass. I need the stars. I need the sun and the moon. I need my mind to open itself again.

Friday Fill-In #115

And...here we go!

1. When I look to the left, I see my husband.

2. The livingroom is the room that has the best view in my home.

3. Let it work until it's finished.

4. Handmade snoods done dirt cheap!

5. Maturity is a responsibility that all qualified citizens must share.

6. If you have any chocolate feel free share some!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sleep, tomorrow my plans include making a 12 hour drive to Mississipi and Sunday, I want to celebrate with my SCA family!

I had a nose stuck in my ear ...

... okay, it sounded like a good title and it gave me an excuse to write. A moment ago Dave went to kiss my cheek, I tilted my head, and his nose stuck right into my ear hard. It was funny in a random sort of way.

Monday I did some pottery painting, tomorrow I'm doing some sewing and Dave is doing some armor making. Last Sunday I did archery (super fun!) and helped with the "feast", which is essentially a potluck but with all the recipes being "period". Things are generally made from the 1500 or 1600's.

Fun fact, you can't use tomatoes when cooking for feast, because it was believed they were poisonous. Quote from a website, "Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous." It wasn't the tomatoes silly people! .. but they didn't know that. Credit to: http://historymedren.about.com/od/dailylifesociety/a/bod_tomatoes.htm

This Saturday we leave for our week and a half vacation. No internet for us during that time because we'll be CAMPING!!!!!!!!!!! Woot!!! .. Not just camping. We'll be camping with 3k - 4k people. :) This is an SCA event in itself that takes place in Mississipi. If you feel like learning about it, you can go to: http://www.gulfwars.org/ As long as you don't mind roughing it, it's a freaking blast.

It's super late and unforunately I have 2 more days of work before vaca. Bleh. Off to bed with me!