I really need to write soon and a lot more. I think I must write that about 50 times a year in blogs / journals / letters / etc. I'm always wanting to write more, but never take the time to sit down and do it.
Small meme:
1. My favorite food seasoning is curries. omg curries. Specifically Thai and Indian style curries. I'm also a huge fan of any type of food / soup that has a coconut milk base.
2. Laughter from a loved one is music to my ears.
3. Lucky is the name of one of our family dogs growing up. She's passed on now.
4. Abuse is something I take very seriously. All kinds. I offer support whenever I can, whether it be financially, physically, or emotionally.
5. Many people don't truly understand me.
6. Beef Jerky and Tums were the last things I bought at the store. (mini-mart stop)
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to not much unfortunately; Halloween is my favorite of all favorite holidays, but it appears that the plans I had are gone at this point. Tomorrow my plans include seeing Rebel (one of my horses that I'm leasing -- HAPPY HAPPY!!!) and Sunday, I want to get some things done around the house and REST!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Time
Time is something I seem to not have a lot of ever anymore, it's one of the reasons and probably most of the reason I haven't been writing on my blog. Ideally I'd like to write more but I can't really say I'm going to right now as I really don't know.
Weight loss is slow, but continuing to move slow and steady which keeps me happy. The kids are good. The job is the same and moving along - staying stable which is a great thing. Dave is still looking but we've made a friend in town that is determined to really help him out and find him a job. (You're awesome Tony!)
I think it was mentioned in my previous blog, but I'm currently leasing two horses. Rebel and Romeo. It didn't really happen on purpose that way, but it is what it is and it takes up 5-6 of my 7 nights a week. Eeek!! I love it so much, but at the same time I know it's too much. One of them is without cost and I will likely be giving one of them up soon.
Game 7 of the Red Sox / Rays is on tonight, I'm of course routing for the Red Sox all the way! I'm hoping my boys will pull it through yet again. :) The game starts in 6 minutes and I promised I'd wake Dave from his nap on time, so off I go.
Weight loss is slow, but continuing to move slow and steady which keeps me happy. The kids are good. The job is the same and moving along - staying stable which is a great thing. Dave is still looking but we've made a friend in town that is determined to really help him out and find him a job. (You're awesome Tony!)
I think it was mentioned in my previous blog, but I'm currently leasing two horses. Rebel and Romeo. It didn't really happen on purpose that way, but it is what it is and it takes up 5-6 of my 7 nights a week. Eeek!! I love it so much, but at the same time I know it's too much. One of them is without cost and I will likely be giving one of them up soon.
Game 7 of the Red Sox / Rays is on tonight, I'm of course routing for the Red Sox all the way! I'm hoping my boys will pull it through yet again. :) The game starts in 6 minutes and I promised I'd wake Dave from his nap on time, so off I go.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Handbag Contest
Okay this is cool. I like handbags and purses, it's one of my small obsessions - I do have bigger ones, lol.
New site for bags doing a give away promotion. To sign up, go here: http://www.handbagplanet.com/
No S&H, no Credit Card info needed -- only easy signup.
New site for bags doing a give away promotion. To sign up, go here: http://www.handbagplanet.com/
No S&H, no Credit Card info needed -- only easy signup.
Saturday 9 - Friends
1. Who is your best friend? I have to list three, Mom, Dave, B
2. How did you meet? Birth, Internet, Work
3. How long have you known each other? Lifetime, 6 years, 4-5months I think
4. Have you traveled anywhere together? Yes, Yes, No
5. Did you ever have a problem over a romantic interest that you shared? No, Yes (lets not go there), No.
6. Have you ever not liked your best friend’s choice of lovers? No, Yes, Yes
7. How long since you have seen your best friend? 5 months, Minutes, 3 weeks
8. Do you remember each other on birthdays and holidays? Yes, Yes, So Far. :)
9. What is the biggest fight that you have ever had? Mom = I honestly can't remember. We don't really fight. Dave = About a month before we moved, started as procrastination and erupted into a huge fight. I stayed with a friend for a couple days while we worked things out. It's all good. B = haven't had any big fights, had a disagreement on Friday, but we talked through it.
Friends rock. Some of many. I don't -- but I absolutely cherish the ones I do have.
2. How did you meet? Birth, Internet, Work
3. How long have you known each other? Lifetime, 6 years, 4-5months I think
4. Have you traveled anywhere together? Yes, Yes, No
5. Did you ever have a problem over a romantic interest that you shared? No, Yes (lets not go there), No.
6. Have you ever not liked your best friend’s choice of lovers? No, Yes, Yes
7. How long since you have seen your best friend? 5 months, Minutes, 3 weeks
8. Do you remember each other on birthdays and holidays? Yes, Yes, So Far. :)
9. What is the biggest fight that you have ever had? Mom = I honestly can't remember. We don't really fight. Dave = About a month before we moved, started as procrastination and erupted into a huge fight. I stayed with a friend for a couple days while we worked things out. It's all good. B = haven't had any big fights, had a disagreement on Friday, but we talked through it.
Friends rock. Some of many. I don't -- but I absolutely cherish the ones I do have.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Wednesday Weirdness and other ramblings
I found a few of what are called "meme"'s recently through someone's site and I thought it might be fun to start doing a few of them. Basically you take the questionnaire from the blog site that sponsers them and then let them know that you've done it so others can read yours if they'd like. It works. :)
This one is from: http://wednesdayweird.blogspot.com/
1. Would you rather join the Ghostbusters to hunt ghosts or join the Sesame Street bunch? Why? Sesame Street, I always always loved Oscar the Grouch. I wanted to make him my friend and make him happy as a kid. He's still awesome - you all know he has a soft side. :)
2. What is the most you are willing to do to get out of a police officer giving you a ticket? Cry. Make excuses. Flirt. Explain. The majority of the time, if I've done something wrong, I'll suck it up. There was a time I got pulled over for driving without my seatbelt (right when the law started that they can visually pull you over for that). I *always* where my seatbelt. I had just quit my job due to a large dispute in the workplace, I was heartbroken and crying, I was way to worked up and forgot to buckle up. Good the cop pulled me over so I put it on. Bad on him for giving me the ticket when I explained and had obviously been crying for awhile. =P eeh.. whatever.
3. What popular movies do you find to be overrated? The Austin Power movies. I **HATE** them -- with a passion I can't express. Ugh. Bad Bad stupid movies.
4. What is in (and/or on) your bedside table? Lamp. Aloe lotion. Glass of water. Tums. Tylenol. Sleep meds. Pillow my son's family made for me. (he was adopted by a family at birth -- open adoption). Book I'm reading. Coaster my sis made me.
5. Have you ever had or fantasized about having sex with a boss before? Have you ever acted on that fantasy? Yes, fantasized about it. No, haven't acted upon it.
6. If you had a personal assistant, what would you have them do? OMG .. a *lot* right now. I'm assuming that if I have a personal assistant she can do anything or I have the money to also help her/him get people to do them. Organize unpacking my house. Help me make a schedule and encourage me to stick to it. Set my appointments for all my new doctors. Pick up my prescriptions. Answer the phone and take messages when I'm busy and one of my team calls. Clean Romeo's stall so I can just ride. (hey! why not?!). I'm sure I could think of another 10 things without a problem.
7. Have you ever faked static, loss of cell phone reception or anything else on the telephone line to get out of a conversation? hahaha.. yep. guilty.
-----------------
In daily life. I heard from a few of my Boston friends today. Emails and phone calls. I'm so glad they're keeping in touch. I'm having a really hard time reaching out right now, I'm having a hard time even responding sometimes. I replied to 3 of them today and was happy that I did. I was sad too. It made me think more of them, miss them more. I've got to cope eventually, deal with the loss, and try to focus on the positives. Easier said than done.
On a good note I did go and see a new psychiatrist yesterday. Shock of all shockers. I like her. I kind of knew I would when I walked into her private office. Earthy tones, all pictures black and white photography of trees, open pastures, and wrought iron gates. I loved her room. We talked a bit, she asked some questions, and I felt like she really took time for me. I like that. She changed around some meds - thank god - hopefully I'll see some changes soon. I loved my therapist in Boston, but did not like my psychiatrist. I really like this one and am hoping to find a therapist I like as well. It's just a very hard step for me to take to look for a therapist after having so many years of a connection with mine from Boston. I miss her a lot.
I went to the beach the first time this last Sunday, I'll try to write about that soon. I'm pretty tired at the moment though.
This one is from: http://wednesdayweird.blogspot.com/
1. Would you rather join the Ghostbusters to hunt ghosts or join the Sesame Street bunch? Why? Sesame Street, I always always loved Oscar the Grouch. I wanted to make him my friend and make him happy as a kid. He's still awesome - you all know he has a soft side. :)
2. What is the most you are willing to do to get out of a police officer giving you a ticket? Cry. Make excuses. Flirt. Explain. The majority of the time, if I've done something wrong, I'll suck it up. There was a time I got pulled over for driving without my seatbelt (right when the law started that they can visually pull you over for that). I *always* where my seatbelt. I had just quit my job due to a large dispute in the workplace, I was heartbroken and crying, I was way to worked up and forgot to buckle up. Good the cop pulled me over so I put it on. Bad on him for giving me the ticket when I explained and had obviously been crying for awhile. =P eeh.. whatever.
3. What popular movies do you find to be overrated? The Austin Power movies. I **HATE** them -- with a passion I can't express. Ugh. Bad Bad stupid movies.
4. What is in (and/or on) your bedside table? Lamp. Aloe lotion. Glass of water. Tums. Tylenol. Sleep meds. Pillow my son's family made for me. (he was adopted by a family at birth -- open adoption). Book I'm reading. Coaster my sis made me.
5. Have you ever had or fantasized about having sex with a boss before? Have you ever acted on that fantasy? Yes, fantasized about it. No, haven't acted upon it.
6. If you had a personal assistant, what would you have them do? OMG .. a *lot* right now. I'm assuming that if I have a personal assistant she can do anything or I have the money to also help her/him get people to do them. Organize unpacking my house. Help me make a schedule and encourage me to stick to it. Set my appointments for all my new doctors. Pick up my prescriptions. Answer the phone and take messages when I'm busy and one of my team calls. Clean Romeo's stall so I can just ride. (hey! why not?!). I'm sure I could think of another 10 things without a problem.
7. Have you ever faked static, loss of cell phone reception or anything else on the telephone line to get out of a conversation? hahaha.. yep. guilty.
-----------------
In daily life. I heard from a few of my Boston friends today. Emails and phone calls. I'm so glad they're keeping in touch. I'm having a really hard time reaching out right now, I'm having a hard time even responding sometimes. I replied to 3 of them today and was happy that I did. I was sad too. It made me think more of them, miss them more. I've got to cope eventually, deal with the loss, and try to focus on the positives. Easier said than done.
On a good note I did go and see a new psychiatrist yesterday. Shock of all shockers. I like her. I kind of knew I would when I walked into her private office. Earthy tones, all pictures black and white photography of trees, open pastures, and wrought iron gates. I loved her room. We talked a bit, she asked some questions, and I felt like she really took time for me. I like that. She changed around some meds - thank god - hopefully I'll see some changes soon. I loved my therapist in Boston, but did not like my psychiatrist. I really like this one and am hoping to find a therapist I like as well. It's just a very hard step for me to take to look for a therapist after having so many years of a connection with mine from Boston. I miss her a lot.
I went to the beach the first time this last Sunday, I'll try to write about that soon. I'm pretty tired at the moment though.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Sometimes I dont know what to put here?
Actually, a lot of the time I don't know what to put as a "Title", maybe I'll just start naming them, "Don't know what to put 1" then "2" then "3". It's a thought anyway.
Work was a bit frustrating today. I suppose right now in some ways it's frustrating every day. I miss my team!!! I still have them in a way, I talk to them, I message them, I email them; it's not even remotely the same. It's like staying in touch with one of your best friends verbally and internetly (Ooo, new word) without being able to see them. My team of 12 had become my friends and together my group. I liked each and every one of them for their individual qualities. I still do. I always will. I'm just really struggling with not having them in person! I can only hope I adjust over time, but right now I'm feeling like it's not going to be possible. I've considered a new job in the area, becoming a team leader / manager of a new department, god knows I have the experience to get hired... I'm just not ready for that step. I really don't know if I ever will take that step.
I saw Romeo again today, but didn't ride. We had some great horse / rider bonding time. After grooming him I walked him to the park by halter and lead and spent about a half hour brushing out his entire tail and mane while he grazed. I talked to him and he was his great self raising his head to stare at me every once in awhile before going back to his green grass. He can be very playful and has a great personality. I had given him some treats (horse cookies) when I first got to the barn and as we were walking to and from the park every once in awhile he's drop his head and nuzzle or lip at my pockets. He was *sure* that there must be another cookie around! Pinellas is an area about 10 minutes away from my apartment and it's full of homes with barns and small sized ranches. In walking the 2 blocks to the park Romeo got to visit several of his horse and pony friends on the way. If I'm not riding he's more than welcome to sniff noses and make horse whiny talk, but when I am riding not much visiting goes on. The last thing I need is two hyper horses deciding they might want to try and play, while I'm on his back! I did give a cookie to one of his horse friends, a cute young paint that looks a year or two old. Romeo was of course mortified and didn't sniff noses anymore with him once I did that. hahaha. He really is an added joy in my life right now. Tuesday I was frustrated because he had been bad during my entire visit. Today i'm overjoyed because we had a great day together. Just like any other animal, child or person they have their good days and bad days.
I got a ton of our clothes / shoes hung and put away today - one more small step to having an organized home. Each day small steps to hit our big goal. We'll get there someday.
We have a friend visiting from out of town this weekend. While the house is a mess, it's still going to be great to see a familiar face. Fleet is one of Dave's poker buddies. He came to our wedding, and came up to our place in Boston a couple of times, the majority of the time he lives in Texas so he tries to visit whenever he's in our area. It just so happens he'll be in the Florida area this weekend and is staying with us. Woo!
Tomorrow's Friday. Thank goodness!!!!!!
Work was a bit frustrating today. I suppose right now in some ways it's frustrating every day. I miss my team!!! I still have them in a way, I talk to them, I message them, I email them; it's not even remotely the same. It's like staying in touch with one of your best friends verbally and internetly (Ooo, new word) without being able to see them. My team of 12 had become my friends and together my group. I liked each and every one of them for their individual qualities. I still do. I always will. I'm just really struggling with not having them in person! I can only hope I adjust over time, but right now I'm feeling like it's not going to be possible. I've considered a new job in the area, becoming a team leader / manager of a new department, god knows I have the experience to get hired... I'm just not ready for that step. I really don't know if I ever will take that step.
I saw Romeo again today, but didn't ride. We had some great horse / rider bonding time. After grooming him I walked him to the park by halter and lead and spent about a half hour brushing out his entire tail and mane while he grazed. I talked to him and he was his great self raising his head to stare at me every once in awhile before going back to his green grass. He can be very playful and has a great personality. I had given him some treats (horse cookies) when I first got to the barn and as we were walking to and from the park every once in awhile he's drop his head and nuzzle or lip at my pockets. He was *sure* that there must be another cookie around! Pinellas is an area about 10 minutes away from my apartment and it's full of homes with barns and small sized ranches. In walking the 2 blocks to the park Romeo got to visit several of his horse and pony friends on the way. If I'm not riding he's more than welcome to sniff noses and make horse whiny talk, but when I am riding not much visiting goes on. The last thing I need is two hyper horses deciding they might want to try and play, while I'm on his back! I did give a cookie to one of his horse friends, a cute young paint that looks a year or two old. Romeo was of course mortified and didn't sniff noses anymore with him once I did that. hahaha. He really is an added joy in my life right now. Tuesday I was frustrated because he had been bad during my entire visit. Today i'm overjoyed because we had a great day together. Just like any other animal, child or person they have their good days and bad days.
I got a ton of our clothes / shoes hung and put away today - one more small step to having an organized home. Each day small steps to hit our big goal. We'll get there someday.
We have a friend visiting from out of town this weekend. While the house is a mess, it's still going to be great to see a familiar face. Fleet is one of Dave's poker buddies. He came to our wedding, and came up to our place in Boston a couple of times, the majority of the time he lives in Texas so he tries to visit whenever he's in our area. It just so happens he'll be in the Florida area this weekend and is staying with us. Woo!
Tomorrow's Friday. Thank goodness!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Time to write a bit
I've been in Largo, FL now for about 2 weeks and haven't written. I didn't write a lot in the few weeks before the move either. I think in some ways I wasn't writing because I didn't want to spew a lot of negativity. I've been struggling with this move in many ways -- from before I left, until now. There are positives, I'm trying to focus most on those.
Since being here a few things have happened both positive and negative.
Upon arriving our cable/internet was to be setup the same day. We waited from 3pm - 7pm, our scheduled time, no one showed. I called the company, Bright House, early the next morning in a bad mood as I was supposed to be at work as of 8am. Why hadn't they shown up? Well, it turns out they had no record of me, our address, or our account that was set up. In short, someone dropped the ball - lost the record, lost the information, or didn't enter it correctly. Thank the gawds I got a wonderful man on the phone that helped me calm down and stayed on the phone with me for good 1/2 hour while he worked out someone getting to our house that day, within a couple of hours. The company also took off a months worth of a bill to apologize for the inconvience.
So .. okay, internet is on, I'm at work. Computer starts to spaz. It's shutting down on it's own and then rebooting. Hmm, definitely not good. Very very long story cut into a much much shorter version. 1st computer = dead. Company mails second computer. Second computer = dead within 3 days. Systems management puzzles for 2 days on how this could've happened. I pull out my hair for a week losing my mind as I'm maybe able to work 2 hours out of 8 hours due to a computer shutting on and off. Conclusion to the 2nd dead computer -- installed a bad component from the 1st bad computer. Baaaaaad systems people. 3rd computer mailed with all new cables, 2 new widescreen flatscreen monitors (woot!), and all new software / hardware to go with it. Ahhhh, day 8 upon arriving, I have a working computer. Thank the gawds!!!
Prior to getting to Largo, FL; we spent a couple days in the Jacksonville area with a couple of friends from our past. Until tonight that was ranked as one of our positive and good experiences. We went sight-seeing, they took us to a nice dinner, we played with their funny and hyperactive silly dog. Sadly, I then read several days later - tonight - that it appears to have been a horrible experience for them that they'd like to never repeat. I'm confused, but asked for an explanation tonight. I can only hope that I get one. I'd truly like to understand.
A positive - prior to moving I had been emailing back and forth with a gal named Ashley in regards to her horse. He's an 8 year old clysdale/quarter house cross. He's huge, he's beautiful, and my goodness he's a handful! After speaking for a month she kept in contact with me until I got to Largo, FL so that I could start leasing, Romeo. (ok -- I didn't name him). The second day in FL I went to meet him and her, we hit it off, she was pleased with my riding and handling of him, and he's now my full responsibility 3 days a week. It's been great for me in many ways. 1st, I'm getting back into riding and it's a source of pure joy for me. 2nd, while I've been going through the difficult ups and downs over the last couple of weeks he's been a routine to continue forcing me out of the house. He's definitely not your run of the mill calm, bomb proof horse. He's a huge handful. He spooks, he disobeys, he fights back, but on most days he tries his best and eventually calms down and gets into a routine of work. Today was *not* one of those days that he calmed down - but I'm not going to get into that right now. Overall - he's been a very positive addition to my life. There's a large horse event / get together / get to know your neighbors, that I'm taking him to this upcoming Saturday. I'm really looking forward to it.
It's late, I'm fairly drained, and work will come early. I'm off to bed and praying that sleep will come for me tonight. (insomnia isn't my friend -- but it keeps trying to be).
Since being here a few things have happened both positive and negative.
Upon arriving our cable/internet was to be setup the same day. We waited from 3pm - 7pm, our scheduled time, no one showed. I called the company, Bright House, early the next morning in a bad mood as I was supposed to be at work as of 8am. Why hadn't they shown up? Well, it turns out they had no record of me, our address, or our account that was set up. In short, someone dropped the ball - lost the record, lost the information, or didn't enter it correctly. Thank the gawds I got a wonderful man on the phone that helped me calm down and stayed on the phone with me for good 1/2 hour while he worked out someone getting to our house that day, within a couple of hours. The company also took off a months worth of a bill to apologize for the inconvience.
So .. okay, internet is on, I'm at work. Computer starts to spaz. It's shutting down on it's own and then rebooting. Hmm, definitely not good. Very very long story cut into a much much shorter version. 1st computer = dead. Company mails second computer. Second computer = dead within 3 days. Systems management puzzles for 2 days on how this could've happened. I pull out my hair for a week losing my mind as I'm maybe able to work 2 hours out of 8 hours due to a computer shutting on and off. Conclusion to the 2nd dead computer -- installed a bad component from the 1st bad computer. Baaaaaad systems people. 3rd computer mailed with all new cables, 2 new widescreen flatscreen monitors (woot!), and all new software / hardware to go with it. Ahhhh, day 8 upon arriving, I have a working computer. Thank the gawds!!!
Prior to getting to Largo, FL; we spent a couple days in the Jacksonville area with a couple of friends from our past. Until tonight that was ranked as one of our positive and good experiences. We went sight-seeing, they took us to a nice dinner, we played with their funny and hyperactive silly dog. Sadly, I then read several days later - tonight - that it appears to have been a horrible experience for them that they'd like to never repeat. I'm confused, but asked for an explanation tonight. I can only hope that I get one. I'd truly like to understand.
A positive - prior to moving I had been emailing back and forth with a gal named Ashley in regards to her horse. He's an 8 year old clysdale/quarter house cross. He's huge, he's beautiful, and my goodness he's a handful! After speaking for a month she kept in contact with me until I got to Largo, FL so that I could start leasing, Romeo. (ok -- I didn't name him). The second day in FL I went to meet him and her, we hit it off, she was pleased with my riding and handling of him, and he's now my full responsibility 3 days a week. It's been great for me in many ways. 1st, I'm getting back into riding and it's a source of pure joy for me. 2nd, while I've been going through the difficult ups and downs over the last couple of weeks he's been a routine to continue forcing me out of the house. He's definitely not your run of the mill calm, bomb proof horse. He's a huge handful. He spooks, he disobeys, he fights back, but on most days he tries his best and eventually calms down and gets into a routine of work. Today was *not* one of those days that he calmed down - but I'm not going to get into that right now. Overall - he's been a very positive addition to my life. There's a large horse event / get together / get to know your neighbors, that I'm taking him to this upcoming Saturday. I'm really looking forward to it.
It's late, I'm fairly drained, and work will come early. I'm off to bed and praying that sleep will come for me tonight. (insomnia isn't my friend -- but it keeps trying to be).
Monday, August 11, 2008
ARRGGGHH!!!
I think this blog is going to be my source of rants over the next several weeks. For all those who are reading my ongoing blog, please don't think that I'm this angry, upset, pissed off, at life all the time. This is just a VERY stressful VERY emotional time for me.
Top 8 Things Pissing me the Fuck Off right now:
1) The move - let's just say #1 is the move!
2) The packing - nuff said.
3) My husband procrastinating.
4) My husband needing reminders for everything
5) Discovering 2 wonderful friends to late - I'm leaving!!!
6) Work - I love my job, I really really do, but this week has been HELL.
7) My therapist knowing me all to well and being right.
8) Not being able to see my therapist of 3 years anymore in 3 week.
Since we're doing that, why not do the 8 Things that make me Remotely Happy at the Moment:
1) Barbara and Meghan - the thoughts of leaving you two makes me want to cry.
2) Work - I love my team. How am I going to get by without you there to lift me up with your silly dances and big goofy smiles when it's a stress filled day?
3) Husband - for cuddles when I need them.
4) The huge bowl of ice cream I'm eating right now. (No Sugar Added Edy's)
5) The Angry Pharmacist (found through L's blog), for making me laugh tonight.
6) My Therapist - for knowing what I need and what needs to be said to make me think a bit better. Even when I don't like hearing it.
7) My family - for calling me, talking to me, lending advice.
8) My snakes - they always make me happy. They're my reptiloves.
Surprisingly writing that stuff out actually helped. Shock of all shockers. I've wanted to have a good cry for over a week now. The tears won't come. Can my body really withstanding holding this back? In 2 weeks when I have my last day in the office I know as well as everyone else that I'm going to completely break down. I had to emotionally/physically restrain myself from doing so when my boss and I talked about it last week. He asked how to move was coming, I looked up and him in all innocence and said, "not to well right now - I don't want to go", then proceeded to tear up, turn my head, and not speak so I didn't completely break down. He offered a few words of encouragement as a good boss who's known you for 5 years can do and moved on. The words and the moving along were both appreciated. The next day he sent an appreciation email about me to the team expressing how much he appreciated what I've taken on recently on top of my standard duties. I proceeded to quickly get up and go for a walk outside. Sure - I can cry like a baby while I'm at work but not at home? What the hell? One place I can't for work ethic reasons, the other place I can't physically.
I tried to sleep without medication last night. BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!! WRONG ANSWER!!! I slept like hell. There's a huge part of me that doesn't want to take the medication again tonight. I hate, loathe, and detest feeling reliant on a medication. Especially one that has instant reactions. I know it sounds ridiculous, but its the way I feel about it. I'm the same way about pain meds most of the time. (migraines are a huge exception - I'll take anything in that case).
After speaking with Meghan the other day I think overall right now I just feel like I'm taking on way to much. I think about what has to be done in the next 3 weeks and a literally, actual physical literally feeling nauseated. :( I have to say goodbye to friends, I have to packup at work, I have to packup at home, I need to talk to the utility companies in FL again, I need to talk and meet the movers, I need to make sure the house is completely ready to go, I need to finish planning our 'going away party' that I decided to host this Saturday (am I nuts!?!), I need to make sure we have help getting things down from storage, I need to visit a couple of friends 1 last time for now. Not to mention everything that must be done once getting to Florida. Dave needs to see specialists, find a job, arrange visitation with the boys, work out custody plans -- of course this all means that I'll be arranging for all of that to be done. I need to set up a home office, unpack, get the house organized, look for some form of furniture, and try not have a complete nervous breakdown. Nancy (therapist) agrees with Meghan, I'm trying to take on to much. My response -- who the hell else is going to do it!??! It has to be done. It all has to be done. AND .. even if I try to delegate some of it, I'll cause as much stress to myself worrying if its being done right.
If life is a class, I'm currently getting an "A" for effort but an "F" for feeling like the world is falling and failing around me.
Top 8 Things Pissing me the Fuck Off right now:
1) The move - let's just say #1 is the move!
2) The packing - nuff said.
3) My husband procrastinating.
4) My husband needing reminders for everything
5) Discovering 2 wonderful friends to late - I'm leaving!!!
6) Work - I love my job, I really really do, but this week has been HELL.
7) My therapist knowing me all to well and being right.
8) Not being able to see my therapist of 3 years anymore in 3 week.
Since we're doing that, why not do the 8 Things that make me Remotely Happy at the Moment:
1) Barbara and Meghan - the thoughts of leaving you two makes me want to cry.
2) Work - I love my team. How am I going to get by without you there to lift me up with your silly dances and big goofy smiles when it's a stress filled day?
3) Husband - for cuddles when I need them.
4) The huge bowl of ice cream I'm eating right now. (No Sugar Added Edy's)
5) The Angry Pharmacist (found through L's blog), for making me laugh tonight.
6) My Therapist - for knowing what I need and what needs to be said to make me think a bit better. Even when I don't like hearing it.
7) My family - for calling me, talking to me, lending advice.
8) My snakes - they always make me happy. They're my reptiloves.
Surprisingly writing that stuff out actually helped. Shock of all shockers. I've wanted to have a good cry for over a week now. The tears won't come. Can my body really withstanding holding this back? In 2 weeks when I have my last day in the office I know as well as everyone else that I'm going to completely break down. I had to emotionally/physically restrain myself from doing so when my boss and I talked about it last week. He asked how to move was coming, I looked up and him in all innocence and said, "not to well right now - I don't want to go", then proceeded to tear up, turn my head, and not speak so I didn't completely break down. He offered a few words of encouragement as a good boss who's known you for 5 years can do and moved on. The words and the moving along were both appreciated. The next day he sent an appreciation email about me to the team expressing how much he appreciated what I've taken on recently on top of my standard duties. I proceeded to quickly get up and go for a walk outside. Sure - I can cry like a baby while I'm at work but not at home? What the hell? One place I can't for work ethic reasons, the other place I can't physically.
I tried to sleep without medication last night. BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!! WRONG ANSWER!!! I slept like hell. There's a huge part of me that doesn't want to take the medication again tonight. I hate, loathe, and detest feeling reliant on a medication. Especially one that has instant reactions. I know it sounds ridiculous, but its the way I feel about it. I'm the same way about pain meds most of the time. (migraines are a huge exception - I'll take anything in that case).
After speaking with Meghan the other day I think overall right now I just feel like I'm taking on way to much. I think about what has to be done in the next 3 weeks and a literally, actual physical literally feeling nauseated. :( I have to say goodbye to friends, I have to packup at work, I have to packup at home, I need to talk to the utility companies in FL again, I need to talk and meet the movers, I need to make sure the house is completely ready to go, I need to finish planning our 'going away party' that I decided to host this Saturday (am I nuts!?!), I need to make sure we have help getting things down from storage, I need to visit a couple of friends 1 last time for now. Not to mention everything that must be done once getting to Florida. Dave needs to see specialists, find a job, arrange visitation with the boys, work out custody plans -- of course this all means that I'll be arranging for all of that to be done. I need to set up a home office, unpack, get the house organized, look for some form of furniture, and try not have a complete nervous breakdown. Nancy (therapist) agrees with Meghan, I'm trying to take on to much. My response -- who the hell else is going to do it!??! It has to be done. It all has to be done. AND .. even if I try to delegate some of it, I'll cause as much stress to myself worrying if its being done right.
If life is a class, I'm currently getting an "A" for effort but an "F" for feeling like the world is falling and failing around me.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Insomnia
I've suffered from insomnia on and off for most of my life. There are times it happens, 'just because', but the majority of the time it's stress, pressure, or extreme sadness. Pretty much when anything big is going on or about to happen.
Que move to Florida - Que insomnia that started about a week ago. I was lucky if I was getting more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. 3 or 4 hours of sleep equals a very bitchy, moody, up and down depressed, sometimes angry for no reason person.
I saw my therapist on Wednesday and confessed that I hadn't been taking Lorezapam to help getting to sleep. Lorazepam is an almost instant acting antianxiety strong sedative. In general if I'm starting to have an anxiety attack I take one. In previous years I took 2 to help me sleep through most of the night. Anyhow, I explained to my therapist of 3 years that I was worried about getting addicted. She laughed and told me how silly I was being. I finally agreed that yeah, I was being silly aboout it.
So Wednesday night I took 1 pill, no help really, I got to sleep, didn't stay asleep. Thursday night I skipped again, what can I say, I'm stubborn! Last night I was feeling kind of desperate as it had been a really bad day and it had been more than a week. I took 2. I want to sleep around 1am, woke up about 9:30am. HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! I feel better this morning than I have all week.
Moral of this story: STOP BEING STUBBORN!!!
I probably won't take it nightly up to the move, but likely a couple times a week if the pattern of no sleep remains the same. What's always funny to me is how itty bitty tiny winny the pills are for Lorazepam. 1 pill is a dose of 0.5mgs. I seem to be fairly sensitive to the med. I'm not sure how others handle the drug, but I'm sure there are others out there that are on higher doses to help them out.
Anyhow .. I'm thrilled I got the sleep because today Dave's family is treating us by going to Fenway Park!!! WOO!!! We wont be watching the Red Sox, instead we'll be watching the AAA Team, for those who dont know, in general these men are the up and coming Red Sox team. We have amazing seats, 4 rows behind home plate! Thank you Jim!!! (Dave's brother). I've never been to Fenway or a live baseball game so this will be a really awesome treat for me. :)
I've got to go hit the shower and head downstairs. Perhaps I'll write after.
Que move to Florida - Que insomnia that started about a week ago. I was lucky if I was getting more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. 3 or 4 hours of sleep equals a very bitchy, moody, up and down depressed, sometimes angry for no reason person.
I saw my therapist on Wednesday and confessed that I hadn't been taking Lorezapam to help getting to sleep. Lorazepam is an almost instant acting antianxiety strong sedative. In general if I'm starting to have an anxiety attack I take one. In previous years I took 2 to help me sleep through most of the night. Anyhow, I explained to my therapist of 3 years that I was worried about getting addicted. She laughed and told me how silly I was being. I finally agreed that yeah, I was being silly aboout it.
So Wednesday night I took 1 pill, no help really, I got to sleep, didn't stay asleep. Thursday night I skipped again, what can I say, I'm stubborn! Last night I was feeling kind of desperate as it had been a really bad day and it had been more than a week. I took 2. I want to sleep around 1am, woke up about 9:30am. HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! I feel better this morning than I have all week.
Moral of this story: STOP BEING STUBBORN!!!
I probably won't take it nightly up to the move, but likely a couple times a week if the pattern of no sleep remains the same. What's always funny to me is how itty bitty tiny winny the pills are for Lorazepam. 1 pill is a dose of 0.5mgs. I seem to be fairly sensitive to the med. I'm not sure how others handle the drug, but I'm sure there are others out there that are on higher doses to help them out.
Anyhow .. I'm thrilled I got the sleep because today Dave's family is treating us by going to Fenway Park!!! WOO!!! We wont be watching the Red Sox, instead we'll be watching the AAA Team, for those who dont know, in general these men are the up and coming Red Sox team. We have amazing seats, 4 rows behind home plate! Thank you Jim!!! (Dave's brother). I've never been to Fenway or a live baseball game so this will be a really awesome treat for me. :)
I've got to go hit the shower and head downstairs. Perhaps I'll write after.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Hard to let go
I've written a little bit about some of the things I'm losing by moving to Florida, but have done my best on and off not to dwell on it. I think the closer the move comes the more freaked out I'm going to get. As some people know, I really don't do big change well, at all. I'm feeling the loss today. We just had 9 new hires start in my department and for the next 2 weeks I get to do my favorite part of my job. Teach and train! There is SO much information packed into the first 2 weeks of an examiners life and it can be a very stressful time for a new hire. I love making it fun for them, I love keeping them interested, I love seeing their faces light up when something clicks, I love answering their questions, I love seeing them progress.. I really love it all. Well, I won't be teaching many classes as a telecommuter and today it sunk in and really hurt. The next 2 weeks will be wonderful at work; but it's going to also be a fairly constant reminder of what will be changing. *sigh*
Ok, enough of that, yes I'm a bit down, but here's a questionnaire I stole to distract my mind and give me something to do before bed.
What time did you get up this morning? 6:50am - get ready - 40mins to work
Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds, most definitely diamonds. I don't have many, but love the couple I have.
What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Mummy 3 this weekend. It was a fun and funny watch.
What is your favorite TV show? Right now, "So you Think you can Dance". Cheezy, yeah, BUT I love dancing and I love watching people dance. When the it's the right Season my favorite show is ER, but close runners are House and Grey's Anatomy.
What do you usually have for breakfast? 16oz iced decaf coffee. Fresh Egg white omelet with spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes, cheese, ham. It lasts me the morning and into the early afternoon. $3.50 for both at my cafeteria at work. Yum!
What is your middle name? May. Love it. Named after both my grandma's. Rachel and May.
What food do you dislike? There's not a whole lot I strongly dislike, but I'm not a big fan of liver, lima beans, or peas.
What is you favorite CD at the moment? Been listening to Avril Lavinge (sp) and Evanensence recently.
What kind of car do you drive? 2003 Toyata Matrix - it's been great to us. No complaints.
Favorite sandwich? Rueben has always been my favorite, but right now not eating something like that.
What characteristic do you despise? People who think it's okay to lie. Any lie is a problem, any lie is a mistake, I have huge trust issues. Even if you think it's going to hurt someone, tell the freaking truth for gawds sake. In the end, it works out better.
Favorite item of clothing? Capri's right now. Cause I could never wear them before. :)
If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? LARGE toss up between Ireland and Thailand. I'm desperate to go to both.
Where would you retire to? Not sure. Somewhere close to family I think.
What was your most recent memorable birthday? Right now I'd say my most recent one was the most memorable. My memory is pretty well shot and messed up so most recent things are generally the most memorable. lol. Woke up to two huge bouqets of flowers on either side of the bed. Dave's family threw me a really nice birthday dinner home cooked by his brother. They bought me all kinds of presents - they totally went over the top. It was my first birthday with my family-in-laws and they made it really special. Dave got me the diamond studs that I wanted so badly. =)
Furthest place you are sending this? Not really sending it to anyone but I suppose anyone could read my blog from all over the world.
When is your birthday? May 25th
Morning person or a night person? Night person. I hate mornings.
What is your shoe size? 9ish, give or take 1/2 size depending on the maker of the shoe.
Pets? Two snakes, ball pythons. Lucien and Cynkane.
Any exciting news you’d like to share with us? The biggest excitement going on in life is I'm moving to Largo, FL in about 3 weeks. Exciting but scary as hell.
What did you want to be when you were little? Vet or horse trainer. Vet - stopped school at 2 years. Horse trainer - I've worked with several horses and riders, but it's not my profession. I'll be starting that up again in Florida which is something huge I'm looking forward to.
What is your favorite flower? Wildflowers. I looove all kinds of wildflowers. Standard flowers are Roses and Lilies. A mix of all 3 is always perfect.
What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to seeing? September 2nd. The move will be over and I can start to adjust to the new life instead of stressing over whats to come.
What are you listening to right now? Law and Order (I love the show too L!!!)
What was the last thing you ate? Tuna salad with rye triscuits. Tuna had onions, celery and walnuts chopped and mixed in.
Do you wish on stars? Sometimes. Once in awhile a passing by wish.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Midnight Blue - my favorite color. :)
How is the weather right now? I think it's around 60 outside, it's been a fairly cool day.
Last person you spoke to on the phone? My sister, Ris.
Favorite soft drink? Sometimes I'll still sip at a tiny bit of Diet Coke, one of my favs before surgery. Now my favorites are crystal light and sugar-free cocoa.
Favorite restaurant? Not Your Average Joes. They so rock. They have huge portions though. Now days when we go out to eat we generally do mexican.
Favorite color? Blue
What was your favorite toy as a child? Horse models of all types. :)
Summer or winter? Spring. Summer is too hot. Winter is too cold. =P
Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate
Coffee or tea? COFFEE!!!!!!
When was the last time you cried? Today - saw my therapist, talked a lot about being so stressed recently and not sleeping.
What is under your bed? Not really sure. I know a couple of books, dunno what else.
What did you do last night? Watched TV. Slept.
Salty or sweet? Both. Right now, I'm enjoying dried blueberries, cranberries, and almonds. <------- agree="" completely="" i="" strong="" this.="" with="">
How many keys on your key ring? 3
How many years at your current job? Just celebrated my 5 years as well. July. :)
Favorite day of the week? Saturday.
Do you make friends easily? I wish I did. However, the friends I do have, my true friends, generally stay friends for quite a long time. :)
Ok, enough of that, yes I'm a bit down, but here's a questionnaire I stole to distract my mind and give me something to do before bed.
What time did you get up this morning? 6:50am - get ready - 40mins to work
Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds, most definitely diamonds. I don't have many, but love the couple I have.
What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Mummy 3 this weekend. It was a fun and funny watch.
What is your favorite TV show? Right now, "So you Think you can Dance". Cheezy, yeah, BUT I love dancing and I love watching people dance. When the it's the right Season my favorite show is ER, but close runners are House and Grey's Anatomy.
What do you usually have for breakfast? 16oz iced decaf coffee. Fresh Egg white omelet with spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes, cheese, ham. It lasts me the morning and into the early afternoon. $3.50 for both at my cafeteria at work. Yum!
What is your middle name? May. Love it. Named after both my grandma's. Rachel and May.
What food do you dislike? There's not a whole lot I strongly dislike, but I'm not a big fan of liver, lima beans, or peas.
What is you favorite CD at the moment? Been listening to Avril Lavinge (sp) and Evanensence recently.
What kind of car do you drive? 2003 Toyata Matrix - it's been great to us. No complaints.
Favorite sandwich? Rueben has always been my favorite, but right now not eating something like that.
What characteristic do you despise? People who think it's okay to lie. Any lie is a problem, any lie is a mistake, I have huge trust issues. Even if you think it's going to hurt someone, tell the freaking truth for gawds sake. In the end, it works out better.
Favorite item of clothing? Capri's right now. Cause I could never wear them before. :)
If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? LARGE toss up between Ireland and Thailand. I'm desperate to go to both.
Where would you retire to? Not sure. Somewhere close to family I think.
What was your most recent memorable birthday? Right now I'd say my most recent one was the most memorable. My memory is pretty well shot and messed up so most recent things are generally the most memorable. lol. Woke up to two huge bouqets of flowers on either side of the bed. Dave's family threw me a really nice birthday dinner home cooked by his brother. They bought me all kinds of presents - they totally went over the top. It was my first birthday with my family-in-laws and they made it really special. Dave got me the diamond studs that I wanted so badly. =)
Furthest place you are sending this? Not really sending it to anyone but I suppose anyone could read my blog from all over the world.
When is your birthday? May 25th
Morning person or a night person? Night person. I hate mornings.
What is your shoe size? 9ish, give or take 1/2 size depending on the maker of the shoe.
Pets? Two snakes, ball pythons. Lucien and Cynkane.
Any exciting news you’d like to share with us? The biggest excitement going on in life is I'm moving to Largo, FL in about 3 weeks. Exciting but scary as hell.
What did you want to be when you were little? Vet or horse trainer. Vet - stopped school at 2 years. Horse trainer - I've worked with several horses and riders, but it's not my profession. I'll be starting that up again in Florida which is something huge I'm looking forward to.
What is your favorite flower? Wildflowers. I looove all kinds of wildflowers. Standard flowers are Roses and Lilies. A mix of all 3 is always perfect.
What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to seeing? September 2nd. The move will be over and I can start to adjust to the new life instead of stressing over whats to come.
What are you listening to right now? Law and Order (I love the show too L!!!)
What was the last thing you ate? Tuna salad with rye triscuits. Tuna had onions, celery and walnuts chopped and mixed in.
Do you wish on stars? Sometimes. Once in awhile a passing by wish.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Midnight Blue - my favorite color. :)
How is the weather right now? I think it's around 60 outside, it's been a fairly cool day.
Last person you spoke to on the phone? My sister, Ris.
Favorite soft drink? Sometimes I'll still sip at a tiny bit of Diet Coke, one of my favs before surgery. Now my favorites are crystal light and sugar-free cocoa.
Favorite restaurant? Not Your Average Joes. They so rock. They have huge portions though. Now days when we go out to eat we generally do mexican.
Favorite color? Blue
What was your favorite toy as a child? Horse models of all types. :)
Summer or winter? Spring. Summer is too hot. Winter is too cold. =P
Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate
Coffee or tea? COFFEE!!!!!!
When was the last time you cried? Today - saw my therapist, talked a lot about being so stressed recently and not sleeping.
What is under your bed? Not really sure. I know a couple of books, dunno what else.
What did you do last night? Watched TV. Slept.
Salty or sweet? Both. Right now, I'm enjoying dried blueberries, cranberries, and almonds. <------- agree="" completely="" i="" strong="" this.="" with="">
How many keys on your key ring? 3
How many years at your current job? Just celebrated my 5 years as well. July. :)
Favorite day of the week? Saturday.
Do you make friends easily? I wish I did. However, the friends I do have, my true friends, generally stay friends for quite a long time. :)
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