I have a strong desire to write today, but haven't been able to get myself going. I'm going to start with a simple meme I found and see if I can go from there.

The Meme:
1. What was your biggest challenge this past week? I've had a few this week. I started a new eating lifestyle (not a diet, but making a change to eat healthier for life). I started going to a gym. While both of those things would generally seem challenging, I was excited to get started, so I wouldn't say it was my biggest challenge.

My biggest emotional challenge was having to put my (step)son, Drew, back on a plane to go home to Florida to his Mom. He'd been with us 5-6 weeks and while that time had a few of it's own 'challenges', it was overall a wonderful time. As much as it was difficult, I'm excited for him because he went home with a plan to get started on his future. He has an appointment with a Navy Recruiter today. :)

2. What was your biggest accomplishment this past week? Starting at the gym and changing the ways I eat! I've needed to accomplish this for several months as I've had weight slowly creeping back on. My husband is my partner in this endeavor and I hope that together we can meet our individual and mutual goals.

3. What was the most exciting thing that happened in your life this past week? Exciting .... hmmm, probably my riding lesson that I had on Monday. I haven't had a lesson in a couple months and the last one I had didn't go so well. The one I had on Monday was awesome! I could really feel Bailee responding to my more specific, instructor guided queues. She did great and I think I did pretty wonderful too. :)

4. What one thing made you the happiest this past week? Sean, my husband. :) He does little things daily to make my laugh and smile. There's plenty of little things that drive me crazy too. ;) ..but more importantly are the things he does that he doesn't really think about, that mean so much. Some examples: Since moving to MA and the weather turning cold, he gets up every morning when the alarm goes off (EVEN when he doesn't have to be up yet!) and goes outside and starts my car while I'm in the shower. Weekly he downloads the shows that I like to watch (Greys Anatomy, Helix, Game of Thrones, Downton Abbey, etc) and when I get home from work sits down and watches at least one with me before playing any video games, etc so we can spend time together. He calls / messages me every day at work to see how my day is going. He gives me a hug and kiss every day before we leave for work and when we get home. ..and there's so much more. 5 years in and he always try to pay attention to those little things. He's simply .. amazing.

Speaking of Sean, he just messaged that he's on his lunch. I'm off to give him a ring.

Friday Five

I had a total AH-HA moment! .. I've figured out how to 'categorize' my posts! Except on blogger.com it's called "Labels". WOO! .. Go me!

Moving on, this is today's Meme. Right now this will probably be a lot of my writing, I'm using the Meme's to get back into the habit.

1. How many hours of sleep do you like to get in a night? On average 8-10 hours. Sean has pretty bad sleep apnea (that he's in the process of being treated for) and so he generally sleeps around 10 hours a night. I like going to bed for some snuggle time with him, so generally during the week we're in bed by about 8:30pm and up at 6am.

2. How many hours of sleep can you survive on indefinitely? Indefinitely? Isn't the definition of this something similar to 'forever'? If that's the case: 0. :) If the question is how many hours of sleep do I need at minimum to function normally, about 6-8. If we're talking about the need to just survive a day, probably 3-4hrs. However, I'm *REALLY* grumpy when I haven't had sleep.

3. Do you enjoy napping? A year ago my answer probably would've been NO. Recently I'm finding that occasionally I really do like a good nap. Good gracious that makes me feel old.

4. The average amount of time it takes a person to fall asleep is seven minutes--do you tend to need more or less time than that? The majority of the time, more than that, much more. Not only does it take me forever to fall asleep, but I usually wake up several times during the night. If I'm absolutely exhausted I've been known to zonk out pretty fast.

5. If you were offered a pill that would enable you to sleep only two hours out of every twenty-four and remain fully functional, but you could never sleep more than that, would you take it? My first reaction was to say no. I like my sleep and I like my time cuddling with my husband. However, if all the people I cared about / interacted with had the same pill too, then I could totally see doing that! I'd be able to get SO much more done.

Thursday Thirteen - I need to write more

I desperately need to find my motivation to write more. I also have many things that I *need* to write about, but haven't yet. My Thursday 13 is devoted to those things I need, want, should write about. Perhaps if I look back on this list I'll actually write about some of them!

1) My trip to Ireland

2) My wedding day! .. I'm going to forget these details! It's already been more than 2 years!

3) My father-in-law, he was very special to me and passed more than a year ago.

4) My family - they're SO important to me.

5) My infertility journey - we've been trying to have a baby for approximately 2 years.

6) My horse - she's always fun to write about

7) My husband - I already tend to refer to him quite often, but it doesn't hurt to mention it. :) He's pretty amazing after all.

8) My trip to Belgium. This should've been #2, duh! ..It was at the same time!

9) My work - I mentioned this a couple posts ago. My work is quite amusing and interesting at times.

10) Other Memes. They get my mind-juices flowing.

11) My emotional struggles. I struggle with anxiety and depression. It's going to pop-up here sometimes. Although for the most part I prefer to steer away from negative posts.

12) The sweet boy I gave birth to. My son, who has another Mom and Dad. :) He was adopted when he was born in 2000, but I still hear from his family (and HIM recently!!!) a couple times of a year.

13) Uhm...... Really? I ran out of ideas at number 13... so... EVERYTHING ELSE! .. goes in this category. :D


Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

Hmm..

So apparantly one of the problems with composing blog entries at work, is that it doesn't recognize my spacing of paragraphs in HTML format. I'm going to need to look into this and see if I can discover a fix.

Test

Ok, so the good news is, I remember a very tiny bit of HTML coding and know that if I put a < b r > (without all the spaces), I can create paragraphs.

Kind of a pain in the butt though.

Coding Funnies

I need to look into how to put certain posts into categories, and if I can even do that on this blog. I know some blogs have that ability. If I can't find a way to do it here, I may even start up another blog in relation to the subject: Medical Coding and Billing

Over the last 3 years I've been working from becoming a medical biller, to a medical coder. In June of 2013, I gained the official title of a Certified Professional Coder, or 'CPC', through the AAPC.

On a weekly basis I come across quotes from surgeons, doctors, PAs, NPs, that I find highly amusing, fascinating, and sometimes just plain dumb. Others who aren't in the medical field don't always find them to be these things, but I sure do.

Todays was an examination report from one of our surgical PAs. He was examining a man's hand that had been 'damaged' when a "clutch blew-up" on his ATV. I'm guessing this was due to the hydraulics. The surgical PA wrote, "..the patient's 3rd and 4th finger appear to be missing.." Really,... they "appear" to be missing? Do you expect them to 'reappear' perhaps? I assume that if someone's fingers are missing.. it's pretty apparant. THey don't just "appear to be missing". LOL.

4-5 Days of Monthly Woes

On a side note before I start writing about today, I find it amusing that I 'planned' to write the entire time I was in Ireland. I successful wrote ...once. haha. I should really take time to sit down and write a large entry about the trip. Maybe soon. Doubtfully today.

I'm at work and shouldn't be writing, but I'm considering this part of my 15 minute break.

I hate 'that time of the month'. Aside from the bloating, cramps, and yuckiness, my biggest irritation is my mood. I'm always, ALWAYS grumpy the first day or so of my monthly visitor. I don't get PMS, I get DMS. (During Menstral Syndrome instead of PRE Menstral Syndrome).

I started last night and right on schedule I woke up quite literally in a bad mood. It's very irritating to wake up with no reason to be upset, yet very much, upset.

My dear husband who is a very very happy morning person (I am NOT a morning person in general) happened to be bounding around our apartment this morning more happy than usual. I made a solid attempt to ignore him as he bounded into our room after his shower and swung his towel around his back making "swoosh, swoosh" sounds loudly, waving his arms like he was cross-country skiing in naked craziness. I couldn't help but laugh a little but then told him that I woke up in a bad mood and didn't have any good reason for it. He stated in his best Batman bad guy Bane voice, "Perhaaaaaaps, it's cause you're on the raaaaaaag.". I promptly glared at him and told him he was NOT helping. Admittedly I'm smiling as I remember it now. He does an excellent Bane voice.

I love my husband and I love his desire to always make me smile or laugh if I'm having a rough day.

Ireland, Day 1 - ish, the first 24 hours - ish.

It's about 12:20AM in Ireland and I'm awake in this amazing massive lodge, listening to the sound of the wind batter the outside walls and whistle down the chimney.  

Wait, Ireland?   Oh yes, that's right.  I'm in Ireland.  :)     I don't know if I mentioned it in any of my previous posts, but Sean and I have been planning for this trip for about 2 years.  

We're here with 6 other people.  Our friends Louis and Dee, their two kids, Dee's mother, and another friend Misty.  The original group going to Ireland was actually quite large, but for many various reasons, several people had to bow out on coming.   

We're here in Europe for a total of 16 days, 3 1/2 of those days will be spent in Brussels, Belgium and the surrounding areas with my sister Clarissa, who's family just moved overseas a couple months  ago.  I'm extremely giddy excited to see my sisters family (my nephews!) and Belgium too!

The excitement for this trip has been building and building for months and I'm as far from disappointed as I could be.    It's beautiful here, stunning really, and heck, I've only seen an itsy bitsy part so far!

A synopsis of what's happened so far:

Our flight on Air Lingus left Boston, MA at 7pm.  The flight was fairly uneventful, aside from a few very loud drunk men that were an aisle over from us.   The biggest bother from them was the inability to get very much sleep, which we had all planned on trying to get.    

We arrived 6 hours later in Shannon, Ireland, at 6am in the morning. Oh yes, that's right.  7pm - 6am in 6 hours.   I feel like I time travelled something fierce!    My lack of sleep at 12:20AM is proof of how well my body is adjusting to this so far.    ;)  

After landing getting through customs was very uneventful.  It took less than 15 minutes to get through the line and done.  I was asked two questions, "Are you here for vacation?"  Yes.  "How long are you staying?"  16 days.    The gentleman stamped my passport (FIRST STAMP, WOO!), and off I went.   

We then arranged for our rental cars, which unfortunately cost quite a bit more than originally expected, but I've found that to be true just about *every* time I've rented a car.    The line to get our cars took *forever*.  There were all of 2 people in front of us, but each one took about 20 minutes.  After we got our cars, it was discovered that they gave Louis and Dee's family the wrong car and we had to get that all straightened out.    All together from start to finish I think it took 1.5 hours, not too fun when you have 8 exhausted people. 

The first area we're staying in on our trip is just outside of Killarney and so that's where we headed.  The drive took just over an hour.  Sean, Misty, and I are sharing a car and Sean drove.  It was fun, interesting, and a bit scary to be driving on the 'wrong' side of the road.   

The first part of the drive was fairly boring as it was still very dark and we couldn't see anything.    As soon as it was daylight my sleepy eyes were everywhere they could be, trying to take it all in.   First things I noticed: 1) It's very very green here; similar to WA State I've no doubt it's due to all the rain.  2) There's so much land!.. So much space! .. I love this.   3) There's tons of stone work.  Walls that divide that pastures, that surround peoples homes and businesses, and then of course many of the buildings themselves.  I love the stonework!   4)  Holy cow, there are cows everywhere!!!  Like, seriously, there are cows in pastures at least every mile I swear.  It's quite amusing to me. 

We stopped quickly at a store in Killarney but I don't remember much about that.  I was so tired and admittedly pretty grumpy.  I just stayed silent and kind of shuffled along.  I wanted nothing more than a bed about this time.   

About 30 minutes later we arrived at our lodge.    I remember thinking that there's no way this entire building could be for us.   It's ... massive.   I originally guessed about 3000 sq ft, but was corrected that it was a bit closer to 4000 sq ft, and it's for just the 8 of us for the next week. I didn't see much of it right off, because Sean and I quickly found a bedroom and passed out for about 5 hours.  :)   However, once awake, we wandered through the lodge and explored it.  I'll try to explain it the best I can.  There are 4 different doors in and out of the lodge.  Coming in the main front door theirs a large stairway that goes to the second floor and a good sized parlor area.   To the right of the parlor, there's a massive kitchen / dining area with a large island for food prep and a table in the dining portion that seats 8.   Off one side of the kitchen is a laundry room / pantry with a common room bathroom off of it.   Off another side of the kitchen is a huge octagon room that I absolutely adore, it's where I'm sitting as I write this.  :)   The ceiling angles up and is probably about 25 feet at it's highest.  There's  a large mantle and fireplace on one side of the room.     To the left of the parlor is a hallway that leads to the 6 bedrooms on the first floor.  Each room is very large and each room has it's own bathroom! ..The bathrooms are what I'd consider borderline luxurious and all the same.  They have a large standup shower and then a separate garden tub that is huge for one, or cozy for two.   At the end of the hallway is a small octagon room that's super cute.  It's all windows and has bench seats all along the walls.  The room is probably about 10 feet across.     If you go upstairs from the parlor there's a very large game room type common area and another 2 bedrooms.   One of the bedrooms is similar to downstairs, but isn't currently setup for guests (beds were bare of sheets, etc).  The other is like a large common bedroom.  It's about twice the size of the other bedrooms but has 4 beds in it, instead of 1 or 2.   There are 4 rooms (2 upstairs, 2 downstairs) that are locked and inaccessible, those I'm guessing are mostly storage closest sorts.   

The grounds around the large are fairly expansive.  There is a cement patio / walkway that goes around the entire building and is wide or narrow depending on the area.  There is a large hill that runs down from the back of the lodge and a stone path that zigzags back and forth down to a very wide (and very full!) river.      Electric fencing surrounds the majority of the property which I'm grateful for to make sure the kids are safe. 

After our naps and exploring the lodge, we all went to town and did some much needed grocery shopping.  Killarney is a super cute city / town.  Fairly touristy.  While walking around Sean and I both picked up the smell of fresh baked cookies which had us practically diving through the door of a local bakery.  The smell of that little bakery was glorious!    We got a huge chocolate chip cookie and split it between us as we continued walking.    We only spent about an hour inside the town getting what we needed so I didn't see a whole lot, I've no doubt I'll have more to share about it later this week.  

We came back to the lodge and Louis fixed dinner the first night.   While he was cooking Sean and I wandered around outside and discovered a little something that makes this lodge even more perfect.  An adorable little chestnut pony! ..  She apparently is a bit of a resident pony that wanders a bit property to property.   There were several 'pony piles' left over from times that she'd obviously been wandering through on the lodges grass.  When we saw her she was on the other side of the electric fence but happily got close enough for me to feed her a few handfuls of grass.   She was pretty reluctant at first and she stayed *just* far enough away so she could nibble the grass from my hand, but not allow me to touch her other than the very tip of her nose.    Sean and I decided we'd call her "Josie".  :)   I greatly hope that we get a chance to see her again!

After dinner everyone hung out in the large octagon room for a bit and then slowly trickled off to bed.  Sean and I went to bed about 8pm and I was able to sleep for about 3 hours before waking up.  That brings me to now, sitting in the large octagon room, listening to the sound of the all famous Ireland wind battering the side of the lodge and occasionally whistling down the chimney.   It's fairly chilly in the main rooms of the lodge and so I think it's about time to go climb back into bed with my dear husband to snuggle up and get warm.

Struggles with weight and other things

If someone has read all of my blog, or knows me, they know that I had Gastric Bypass in April 2008.    My weight at the time of surgery was 278. (My highest weight had been 290 but I lost some prior to surgery).     My weight about 1 year after surgery was 178.   I lost exactly 100 pounds from my surgery date.    My initial goal had been to reach 160, but I never fully reached that goal.   I think when I hit the 100 pound mark my mind had this celebration of happiness and I just started to maintain at that weight.

Over the last 4 years I have mostly maintained that weight. I'd bounce up to 182, then back to 178, then up, then down.  I was good with that. 

However, something changed in the last 6 months and weight has started to sloooowly creep back on.  I can probably attribute this in part to some fairly severe stress over the last few months and to some medication changes as well.  Regarding meds: I've been on all kinds of hormones as Sean and I have been trying to get pregnant (unsuccessfully).  Regarding stress:  Well, trying unsuccessfuly to get pregnant is definitely stressful, especially since I'm about to turn 37.     In addition, Sean's father passed away in a horrific accident about 9 months ago.  (I haven't written about it in my blog as of yet).   I was close to my father-in-law and it's left a hole in my heart to have him gone and it's been even harder on Sean and his mother.   Sean and I moved back in with his mother after his father passed, which is stressful in all kinds of ways for both of us.   We miss having a home.  OUR home.  His Mom is a wonderfully loving woman, but she's also very very overbearing.   Between the stress, meds, and not watching what I eat, I regained to 192.   Not horrible, but definitely losing that 'maintaining' control. 

3 weeks ago I started changing my way of eating again.  I started writing down everything I put in my mouth.  I try to keep my calories below 1200 daily.  I'm trying to get additional exercise as well and have succeeded on some weeks!    This morning I was 188.2.    The loss has been slow, but it's happening!

This weekend is going to be extremely challenging to stay on track.  Sean and I are going to New Orleans for my birthday.  This is something we've wanted to do for a couple years.    We have a hotel for 2 nights and plan to enjoy ourselves to the fullest!   I plan to try and watch what I'm eating, but I'm also not going to restrict myself completely.    My hope is that the extreme amount of walking and maybe !dancing! will help burn off some of those extra calories I eat.

One day soon I'll come back her and write a blog specifically about my father-in-law.  I've thought about it a few times, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it as of yet.

Blissful mindful silence

In follow-up to my earlier rambling post, I wanted to write again and say that my day has improved and my 'little demons' as I'll continue to call them, have stopped their pounding.
Coming here and writing earlier helped.
Talking at length with one of my best friends, who I also call brother (because he's closer to me than a meer friend could be) helped greatly.
Sean stopping by my work and surprising me at around 2:45pm this afternoon because his 6th-husbandy-sense told him something was very off, helped emensely. 
I have a clearer understanding of many things that were troubling me and with that understanding comes blissful peace and silence of my 'little demons'.

In other updates and news:

My stepson, Drew, turned 18 during the month of April.  He graduated high school in December 2012.  He's gotten his first job and is working at Papa Murphy's and has set a goal for himself to be driving his car by mid-June.    I'm so proud of who he is and the young man I've seen him become over the last 4 years.   The love I have for this young man is impossible to express in words.  We've had our moments, we've had our frustrations, but I think especially in the last year or so I've come to love him in a way that I can best describe as the love others have expressed for their own sons that are blood.   I would love him no differently than if he was my blood.  He is my family and my son; as he's the son of his father and mother.  
He's one of the most emotional, affectionate, and intelligent 18 year olds I've ever met in my life.   He gives me a hug goodnight every evening he's with us and never fails to tell his Dad and I that he loves us before he disappears to his room.  He expresses his appreciation for the things we do, whether it be large or small.   In the last few months he's learned better communication and has learned to express his anger and frustration in healthy ways, speaking to his Dad and I about it when he needs to.   He's become an amazing part of my world and I can't ever imagine not having him as part of my life.

Sean and I are preparing for some big changes and the last line about Drew is going to be the hardest part of the changes to come.  We're currently looking for work in the Boston, MA area and once found, we'll be moving their fairly quickly.   The hardest part of this is of course leaving Drew behind.  We tell him weekly that he can come with us, and after we go there will always *always* be a ticket waiting for him if he feels the need for a change and wants to move as well. 
We have a few reasons for moving.   The move itself is because we desperately need a change.  Sean has been in Pensacola the majority of his life and he wants out, badly.  It's a small town and it has a lot of history and memories, some of those memories are wonderful and may even eventually draw us back here, but many of them we want to get away from.  He wants to experience a bigger city and a different culture.   We both feel that there's zero room for growth in our careers here in Pensacola, it's just too small.  
We looked at two areas when we decided we were going to move.  Parts of Washington and parts of Massachusetts.  The reason that we chose MA is where the other reason for the move comes in.   That reason is fertility treatment and the fact that MA is one of the few states in the USA that provides coverage for fertility treatment in their medical coverage.    Sean and I have been trying to get pregnant for about a year now.  During that year we've done a total of 6 cycles of a fertility medication called Clomid, ranging from 50mg to 150mg.   I also had surgery a few months ago, for my endometrosis, and we were told at that time that 1 of my fallopian tubes was either kinked or blocked.   The cycles of Clomid in addition to blood tests have told us that I'm not ovulating regularly.  It's actually in fact, quite the opposite. I ovulated twice in the 6 cycles of fertility treatments and don't appear to be at all without some extra hormonal help (the Clomid).    Without getting into all the specifics, after 3 or 6 cycles of Clomid, you really have to stop.  It can start causing other problems as it throws the body all out of whack.   Clomid was a very inexpensive, low on the chain, form of fertility treatment and really only cost us about $40 per cycle.  It was definitely worth a shot, however, it didn't work for us.   SO ..... very long story short, we're working on moving to MA so we can undergo other much more expensive options of fertility to try and have a baby we so dearly would like to have.
While neither Sean nor I have the desire to continue moving multiple times, we both feel that MA isn't going to be our last stop.    Right now the tenative plan is to eventually move to back to Washington state, my original home.   We'll be close to my family and it has a lot of what we want in regards to the weather, seasons, and property near larger cities.   This of course will depend on what MA has in store for us, if things change for his mother here in FL, or for my family in WA - it's all subject to change.  
We learned very quickly how fast things can change in the blink of an eye this year, so we know that even the best laid plans, could be uprooted in a second.  However, we have a plan and a goal and are working towards it.

Demons

There are mornings, days, evenings, nights that I'm fairly convinced that there are demons inside my head, beating against the inner walls of my skull, demanding to get out.    I feel that this may be one of the better descriptions I can give of the 'mental illness' that I have.   I hate using the term 'mental illness' or any other form of the phrase.   When I hear the term it makes me cringe inwardly because it makes it sound as if I'm deranged, completely unbalanced, skitzo, unable to handle life, belong in a mental institute, etc.    If you tell someone that you have a 'mental illness', in most cases you can generally see something change in their demeanor.  That change can at times be a look of pity, a look of concern, maybe even a hint of fear.  It's not always there, but it is enough to be frustrating and bothersome.   There are days even my own husband has one of those 'looks' when I'm having a difficult day.    It's not the general publics fault and it's not the fault of my husband or other loved ones either; I believe it's a natural reaction.
Today the inner demons are battering the inside of my skull with their tiny fists made of diamonds and steel.  This morning it's been harder to fend off the desire to let them spew from mouth and my pores as anger and tension.   I'm at work and it's a bad place to be when I feel like this, but it isn't the first time.
I need to keep breathing, keeping going, and keep hoping and even praying that this day and my ability to fight takes a turn for the better.