It's about 12:20AM in Ireland and I'm awake in this amazing massive lodge, listening to the sound of the wind batter the outside walls and whistle down the chimney.
Wait, Ireland? Oh yes, that's right. I'm in Ireland. :) I don't know if I mentioned it in any of my previous posts, but Sean and I have been planning for this trip for about 2 years.
We're here with 6 other people. Our friends Louis and Dee, their two kids, Dee's mother, and another friend Misty. The original group going to Ireland was actually quite large, but for many various reasons, several people had to bow out on coming.
We're here in Europe for a total of 16 days, 3 1/2 of those days will be spent in Brussels, Belgium and the surrounding areas with my sister Clarissa, who's family just moved overseas a couple months ago. I'm extremely giddy excited to see my sisters family (my nephews!) and Belgium too!
The excitement for this trip has been building and building for months and I'm as far from disappointed as I could be. It's beautiful here, stunning really, and heck, I've only seen an itsy bitsy part so far!
A synopsis of what's happened so far:
Our flight on Air Lingus left Boston, MA at 7pm. The flight was fairly uneventful, aside from a few very loud drunk men that were an aisle over from us. The biggest bother from them was the inability to get very much sleep, which we had all planned on trying to get.
We arrived 6 hours later in Shannon, Ireland, at 6am in the morning. Oh yes, that's right. 7pm - 6am in 6 hours. I feel like I time travelled something fierce! My lack of sleep at 12:20AM is proof of how well my body is adjusting to this so far. ;)
After landing getting through customs was very uneventful. It took less than 15 minutes to get through the line and done. I was asked two questions, "Are you here for vacation?" Yes. "How long are you staying?" 16 days. The gentleman stamped my passport (FIRST STAMP, WOO!), and off I went.
We then arranged for our rental cars, which unfortunately cost quite a bit more than originally expected, but I've found that to be true just about *every* time I've rented a car. The line to get our cars took *forever*. There were all of 2 people in front of us, but each one took about 20 minutes. After we got our cars, it was discovered that they gave Louis and Dee's family the wrong car and we had to get that all straightened out. All together from start to finish I think it took 1.5 hours, not too fun when you have 8 exhausted people.
The first area we're staying in on our trip is just outside of Killarney and so that's where we headed. The drive took just over an hour. Sean, Misty, and I are sharing a car and Sean drove. It was fun, interesting, and a bit scary to be driving on the 'wrong' side of the road.
The first part of the drive was fairly boring as it was still very dark and we couldn't see anything. As soon as it was daylight my sleepy eyes were everywhere they could be, trying to take it all in. First things I noticed: 1) It's very very green here; similar to WA State I've no doubt it's due to all the rain. 2) There's so much land!.. So much space! .. I love this. 3) There's tons of stone work. Walls that divide that pastures, that surround peoples homes and businesses, and then of course many of the buildings themselves. I love the stonework! 4) Holy cow, there are cows everywhere!!! Like, seriously, there are cows in pastures at least every mile I swear. It's quite amusing to me.
We stopped quickly at a store in Killarney but I don't remember much about that. I was so tired and admittedly pretty grumpy. I just stayed silent and kind of shuffled along. I wanted nothing more than a bed about this time.
About 30 minutes later we arrived at our lodge. I remember thinking that there's no way this entire building could be for us. It's ... massive. I originally guessed about 3000 sq ft, but was corrected that it was a bit closer to 4000 sq ft, and it's for just the 8 of us for the next week. I didn't see much of it right off, because Sean and I quickly found a bedroom and passed out for about 5 hours. :) However, once awake, we wandered through the lodge and explored it. I'll try to explain it the best I can. There are 4 different doors in and out of the lodge. Coming in the main front door theirs a large stairway that goes to the second floor and a good sized parlor area. To the right of the parlor, there's a massive kitchen / dining area with a large island for food prep and a table in the dining portion that seats 8. Off one side of the kitchen is a laundry room / pantry with a common room bathroom off of it. Off another side of the kitchen is a huge octagon room that I absolutely adore, it's where I'm sitting as I write this. :) The ceiling angles up and is probably about 25 feet at it's highest. There's a large mantle and fireplace on one side of the room. To the left of the parlor is a hallway that leads to the 6 bedrooms on the first floor. Each room is very large and each room has it's own bathroom! ..The bathrooms are what I'd consider borderline luxurious and all the same. They have a large standup shower and then a separate garden tub that is huge for one, or cozy for two. At the end of the hallway is a small octagon room that's super cute. It's all windows and has bench seats all along the walls. The room is probably about 10 feet across. If you go upstairs from the parlor there's a very large game room type common area and another 2 bedrooms. One of the bedrooms is similar to downstairs, but isn't currently setup for guests (beds were bare of sheets, etc). The other is like a large common bedroom. It's about twice the size of the other bedrooms but has 4 beds in it, instead of 1 or 2. There are 4 rooms (2 upstairs, 2 downstairs) that are locked and inaccessible, those I'm guessing are mostly storage closest sorts.
The grounds around the large are fairly expansive. There is a cement patio / walkway that goes around the entire building and is wide or narrow depending on the area. There is a large hill that runs down from the back of the lodge and a stone path that zigzags back and forth down to a very wide (and very full!) river. Electric fencing surrounds the majority of the property which I'm grateful for to make sure the kids are safe.
After our naps and exploring the lodge, we all went to town and did some much needed grocery shopping. Killarney is a super cute city / town. Fairly touristy. While walking around Sean and I both picked up the smell of fresh baked cookies which had us practically diving through the door of a local bakery. The smell of that little bakery was glorious! We got a huge chocolate chip cookie and split it between us as we continued walking. We only spent about an hour inside the town getting what we needed so I didn't see a whole lot, I've no doubt I'll have more to share about it later this week.
We came back to the lodge and Louis fixed dinner the first night. While he was cooking Sean and I wandered around outside and discovered a little something that makes this lodge even more perfect. An adorable little chestnut pony! .. She apparently is a bit of a resident pony that wanders a bit property to property. There were several 'pony piles' left over from times that she'd obviously been wandering through on the lodges grass. When we saw her she was on the other side of the electric fence but happily got close enough for me to feed her a few handfuls of grass. She was pretty reluctant at first and she stayed *just* far enough away so she could nibble the grass from my hand, but not allow me to touch her other than the very tip of her nose. Sean and I decided we'd call her "Josie". :) I greatly hope that we get a chance to see her again!
After dinner everyone hung out in the large octagon room for a bit and then slowly trickled off to bed. Sean and I went to bed about 8pm and I was able to sleep for about 3 hours before waking up. That brings me to now, sitting in the large octagon room, listening to the sound of the all famous Ireland wind battering the side of the lodge and occasionally whistling down the chimney. It's fairly chilly in the main rooms of the lodge and so I think it's about time to go climb back into bed with my dear husband to snuggle up and get warm.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Struggles with weight and other things
If someone has read all of my blog, or knows me, they know that I had Gastric Bypass in April 2008. My weight at the time of surgery was 278. (My highest weight had been 290 but I lost some prior to surgery). My weight about 1 year after surgery was 178. I lost exactly 100 pounds from my surgery date. My initial goal had been to reach 160, but I never fully reached that goal. I think when I hit the 100 pound mark my mind had this celebration of happiness and I just started to maintain at that weight.
Over the last 4 years I have mostly maintained that weight. I'd bounce up to 182, then back to 178, then up, then down. I was good with that.
However, something changed in the last 6 months and weight has started to sloooowly creep back on. I can probably attribute this in part to some fairly severe stress over the last few months and to some medication changes as well. Regarding meds: I've been on all kinds of hormones as Sean and I have been trying to get pregnant (unsuccessfully). Regarding stress: Well, trying unsuccessfuly to get pregnant is definitely stressful, especially since I'm about to turn 37. In addition, Sean's father passed away in a horrific accident about 9 months ago. (I haven't written about it in my blog as of yet). I was close to my father-in-law and it's left a hole in my heart to have him gone and it's been even harder on Sean and his mother. Sean and I moved back in with his mother after his father passed, which is stressful in all kinds of ways for both of us. We miss having a home. OUR home. His Mom is a wonderfully loving woman, but she's also very very overbearing. Between the stress, meds, and not watching what I eat, I regained to 192. Not horrible, but definitely losing that 'maintaining' control.
3 weeks ago I started changing my way of eating again. I started writing down everything I put in my mouth. I try to keep my calories below 1200 daily. I'm trying to get additional exercise as well and have succeeded on some weeks! This morning I was 188.2. The loss has been slow, but it's happening!
This weekend is going to be extremely challenging to stay on track. Sean and I are going to New Orleans for my birthday. This is something we've wanted to do for a couple years. We have a hotel for 2 nights and plan to enjoy ourselves to the fullest! I plan to try and watch what I'm eating, but I'm also not going to restrict myself completely. My hope is that the extreme amount of walking and maybe !dancing! will help burn off some of those extra calories I eat.
One day soon I'll come back her and write a blog specifically about my father-in-law. I've thought about it a few times, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it as of yet.
Over the last 4 years I have mostly maintained that weight. I'd bounce up to 182, then back to 178, then up, then down. I was good with that.
However, something changed in the last 6 months and weight has started to sloooowly creep back on. I can probably attribute this in part to some fairly severe stress over the last few months and to some medication changes as well. Regarding meds: I've been on all kinds of hormones as Sean and I have been trying to get pregnant (unsuccessfully). Regarding stress: Well, trying unsuccessfuly to get pregnant is definitely stressful, especially since I'm about to turn 37. In addition, Sean's father passed away in a horrific accident about 9 months ago. (I haven't written about it in my blog as of yet). I was close to my father-in-law and it's left a hole in my heart to have him gone and it's been even harder on Sean and his mother. Sean and I moved back in with his mother after his father passed, which is stressful in all kinds of ways for both of us. We miss having a home. OUR home. His Mom is a wonderfully loving woman, but she's also very very overbearing. Between the stress, meds, and not watching what I eat, I regained to 192. Not horrible, but definitely losing that 'maintaining' control.
3 weeks ago I started changing my way of eating again. I started writing down everything I put in my mouth. I try to keep my calories below 1200 daily. I'm trying to get additional exercise as well and have succeeded on some weeks! This morning I was 188.2. The loss has been slow, but it's happening!
This weekend is going to be extremely challenging to stay on track. Sean and I are going to New Orleans for my birthday. This is something we've wanted to do for a couple years. We have a hotel for 2 nights and plan to enjoy ourselves to the fullest! I plan to try and watch what I'm eating, but I'm also not going to restrict myself completely. My hope is that the extreme amount of walking and maybe !dancing! will help burn off some of those extra calories I eat.
One day soon I'll come back her and write a blog specifically about my father-in-law. I've thought about it a few times, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it as of yet.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Blissful mindful silence
In follow-up to my earlier rambling post, I wanted to write again and say that my day has improved and my 'little demons' as I'll continue to call them, have stopped their pounding.
Coming here and writing earlier helped.
Talking at length with one of my best friends, who I also call brother (because he's closer to me than a meer friend could be) helped greatly.
Sean stopping by my work and surprising me at around 2:45pm this afternoon because his 6th-husbandy-sense told him something was very off, helped emensely.
I have a clearer understanding of many things that were troubling me and with that understanding comes blissful peace and silence of my 'little demons'.
In other updates and news:
My stepson, Drew, turned 18 during the month of April. He graduated high school in December 2012. He's gotten his first job and is working at Papa Murphy's and has set a goal for himself to be driving his car by mid-June. I'm so proud of who he is and the young man I've seen him become over the last 4 years. The love I have for this young man is impossible to express in words. We've had our moments, we've had our frustrations, but I think especially in the last year or so I've come to love him in a way that I can best describe as the love others have expressed for their own sons that are blood. I would love him no differently than if he was my blood. He is my family and my son; as he's the son of his father and mother.
He's one of the most emotional, affectionate, and intelligent 18 year olds I've ever met in my life. He gives me a hug goodnight every evening he's with us and never fails to tell his Dad and I that he loves us before he disappears to his room. He expresses his appreciation for the things we do, whether it be large or small. In the last few months he's learned better communication and has learned to express his anger and frustration in healthy ways, speaking to his Dad and I about it when he needs to. He's become an amazing part of my world and I can't ever imagine not having him as part of my life.
Sean and I are preparing for some big changes and the last line about Drew is going to be the hardest part of the changes to come. We're currently looking for work in the Boston, MA area and once found, we'll be moving their fairly quickly. The hardest part of this is of course leaving Drew behind. We tell him weekly that he can come with us, and after we go there will always *always* be a ticket waiting for him if he feels the need for a change and wants to move as well.
We have a few reasons for moving. The move itself is because we desperately need a change. Sean has been in Pensacola the majority of his life and he wants out, badly. It's a small town and it has a lot of history and memories, some of those memories are wonderful and may even eventually draw us back here, but many of them we want to get away from. He wants to experience a bigger city and a different culture. We both feel that there's zero room for growth in our careers here in Pensacola, it's just too small.
We looked at two areas when we decided we were going to move. Parts of Washington and parts of Massachusetts. The reason that we chose MA is where the other reason for the move comes in. That reason is fertility treatment and the fact that MA is one of the few states in the USA that provides coverage for fertility treatment in their medical coverage. Sean and I have been trying to get pregnant for about a year now. During that year we've done a total of 6 cycles of a fertility medication called Clomid, ranging from 50mg to 150mg. I also had surgery a few months ago, for my endometrosis, and we were told at that time that 1 of my fallopian tubes was either kinked or blocked. The cycles of Clomid in addition to blood tests have told us that I'm not ovulating regularly. It's actually in fact, quite the opposite. I ovulated twice in the 6 cycles of fertility treatments and don't appear to be at all without some extra hormonal help (the Clomid). Without getting into all the specifics, after 3 or 6 cycles of Clomid, you really have to stop. It can start causing other problems as it throws the body all out of whack. Clomid was a very inexpensive, low on the chain, form of fertility treatment and really only cost us about $40 per cycle. It was definitely worth a shot, however, it didn't work for us. SO ..... very long story short, we're working on moving to MA so we can undergo other much more expensive options of fertility to try and have a baby we so dearly would like to have.
While neither Sean nor I have the desire to continue moving multiple times, we both feel that MA isn't going to be our last stop. Right now the tenative plan is to eventually move to back to Washington state, my original home. We'll be close to my family and it has a lot of what we want in regards to the weather, seasons, and property near larger cities. This of course will depend on what MA has in store for us, if things change for his mother here in FL, or for my family in WA - it's all subject to change.
We learned very quickly how fast things can change in the blink of an eye this year, so we know that even the best laid plans, could be uprooted in a second. However, we have a plan and a goal and are working towards it.
Coming here and writing earlier helped.
Talking at length with one of my best friends, who I also call brother (because he's closer to me than a meer friend could be) helped greatly.
Sean stopping by my work and surprising me at around 2:45pm this afternoon because his 6th-husbandy-sense told him something was very off, helped emensely.
I have a clearer understanding of many things that were troubling me and with that understanding comes blissful peace and silence of my 'little demons'.
In other updates and news:
My stepson, Drew, turned 18 during the month of April. He graduated high school in December 2012. He's gotten his first job and is working at Papa Murphy's and has set a goal for himself to be driving his car by mid-June. I'm so proud of who he is and the young man I've seen him become over the last 4 years. The love I have for this young man is impossible to express in words. We've had our moments, we've had our frustrations, but I think especially in the last year or so I've come to love him in a way that I can best describe as the love others have expressed for their own sons that are blood. I would love him no differently than if he was my blood. He is my family and my son; as he's the son of his father and mother.
He's one of the most emotional, affectionate, and intelligent 18 year olds I've ever met in my life. He gives me a hug goodnight every evening he's with us and never fails to tell his Dad and I that he loves us before he disappears to his room. He expresses his appreciation for the things we do, whether it be large or small. In the last few months he's learned better communication and has learned to express his anger and frustration in healthy ways, speaking to his Dad and I about it when he needs to. He's become an amazing part of my world and I can't ever imagine not having him as part of my life.
Sean and I are preparing for some big changes and the last line about Drew is going to be the hardest part of the changes to come. We're currently looking for work in the Boston, MA area and once found, we'll be moving their fairly quickly. The hardest part of this is of course leaving Drew behind. We tell him weekly that he can come with us, and after we go there will always *always* be a ticket waiting for him if he feels the need for a change and wants to move as well.
We have a few reasons for moving. The move itself is because we desperately need a change. Sean has been in Pensacola the majority of his life and he wants out, badly. It's a small town and it has a lot of history and memories, some of those memories are wonderful and may even eventually draw us back here, but many of them we want to get away from. He wants to experience a bigger city and a different culture. We both feel that there's zero room for growth in our careers here in Pensacola, it's just too small.
We looked at two areas when we decided we were going to move. Parts of Washington and parts of Massachusetts. The reason that we chose MA is where the other reason for the move comes in. That reason is fertility treatment and the fact that MA is one of the few states in the USA that provides coverage for fertility treatment in their medical coverage. Sean and I have been trying to get pregnant for about a year now. During that year we've done a total of 6 cycles of a fertility medication called Clomid, ranging from 50mg to 150mg. I also had surgery a few months ago, for my endometrosis, and we were told at that time that 1 of my fallopian tubes was either kinked or blocked. The cycles of Clomid in addition to blood tests have told us that I'm not ovulating regularly. It's actually in fact, quite the opposite. I ovulated twice in the 6 cycles of fertility treatments and don't appear to be at all without some extra hormonal help (the Clomid). Without getting into all the specifics, after 3 or 6 cycles of Clomid, you really have to stop. It can start causing other problems as it throws the body all out of whack. Clomid was a very inexpensive, low on the chain, form of fertility treatment and really only cost us about $40 per cycle. It was definitely worth a shot, however, it didn't work for us. SO ..... very long story short, we're working on moving to MA so we can undergo other much more expensive options of fertility to try and have a baby we so dearly would like to have.
While neither Sean nor I have the desire to continue moving multiple times, we both feel that MA isn't going to be our last stop. Right now the tenative plan is to eventually move to back to Washington state, my original home. We'll be close to my family and it has a lot of what we want in regards to the weather, seasons, and property near larger cities. This of course will depend on what MA has in store for us, if things change for his mother here in FL, or for my family in WA - it's all subject to change.
We learned very quickly how fast things can change in the blink of an eye this year, so we know that even the best laid plans, could be uprooted in a second. However, we have a plan and a goal and are working towards it.
Demons
There are mornings, days, evenings, nights that I'm fairly convinced that there are demons inside my head, beating against the inner walls of my skull, demanding to get out. I feel that this may be one of the better descriptions I can give of the 'mental illness' that I have. I hate using the term 'mental illness' or any other form of the phrase. When I hear the term it makes me cringe inwardly because it makes it sound as if I'm deranged, completely unbalanced, skitzo, unable to handle life, belong in a mental institute, etc. If you tell someone that you have a 'mental illness', in most cases you can generally see something change in their demeanor. That change can at times be a look of pity, a look of concern, maybe even a hint of fear. It's not always there, but it is enough to be frustrating and bothersome. There are days even my own husband has one of those 'looks' when I'm having a difficult day. It's not the general publics fault and it's not the fault of my husband or other loved ones either; I believe it's a natural reaction.
Today the inner demons are battering the inside of my skull with their tiny fists made of diamonds and steel. This morning it's been harder to fend off the desire to let them spew from mouth and my pores as anger and tension. I'm at work and it's a bad place to be when I feel like this, but it isn't the first time.
I need to keep breathing, keeping going, and keep hoping and even praying that this day and my ability to fight takes a turn for the better.
Today the inner demons are battering the inside of my skull with their tiny fists made of diamonds and steel. This morning it's been harder to fend off the desire to let them spew from mouth and my pores as anger and tension. I'm at work and it's a bad place to be when I feel like this, but it isn't the first time.
I need to keep breathing, keeping going, and keep hoping and even praying that this day and my ability to fight takes a turn for the better.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Dreams, I could really do without.
My last post has to do with the dates that Sean and I were going on. Those dates have come to a temporary standstill, I'll get into that later and some other time.
I'm more writing this morning because it's an outlet for having a *really*, really, REALLY crappy morning.
Quite honestly, if I had a way to rid myself of dreams, forever, I think I would. Not my hopes and aspirations, and day dreams type dreams - I mean the fall asleep into a tortured world type dreams.
I've always struggled with nightmares, for some reason they are a constant with me. I'm guaranteed to be plagued by them if I go to bed upset or stressed, but even when I've had an enjoyable day they seem to find a way into my subconscious dreamworld.
Last night was just ridiculous. I can pinpont 4 separate nightmares I had. This is a new record for me as I think I've really only had 1 or 2 nightmares per evening previously.
To give them each a brief synopsis, these are the four I can remember in way to much detail:
Nightmare #1) Dream about the world coming to an end in literally days. (really!??! .. where would this even stem from?). Apparantly the Prophet told my Mom and everyone else in the LDS church to get ready, because the end was coming very soon. She called all of us kids to tell us this and when I asked her skeptically just what "very soon" meant, she said it was going to be within a couple days. A couple of weeks at most. Essentially, she explained that the solar rays from the sun were piercing through our atmosphere and were going to set our world on fire. Again I say.... REALLY!?
Wake up, toss turn, consider calling my Mom, determine that's ridiculous. Go back to sleep..
Nightmare #2) Dream about having a completely deformed baby. It wasn't a long dream but it was bad enough. I became pregnant, went in for a 6 month ultrasound, and all of the arms, legs, head, everything was pretty much in the wrong place. In fact, my 'baby' was mostly a jumbled blob.
After dream two I looked at my alarm clock which read 2:08am and decided I had enough sleep for one evening. That lasted for about 1/2 hour before I became exhausted again and decided to lay back down and snuggle up to my husband.
Queue Nightmare #3) A dream that's similar to one I've had a couple of times and so it doesn't bother me too much because it's one of those reaccuring things. Basically Sean created an alternative email account. He was using it to contact a few of my friends in secret context. The ridiculous thing was that the email account ID, was a mixture of names from several of my ex's. I couldn't tell you the context of the 'secret' emails, other than they were secret, as the dream wasn't that in depth.
Wake up, fall back asleep almost immediately.
Nightmare #4) Sean runs off with a friend of ours as they've "fallen in love" with each other. (awesomesauce!!!.. my favorite type of dream!). Again, not a ton of detail to this one. Other than receiving a text that we needed to talk, and coming home to him telling me he's moving temporarily to TN so that he can be with his new found 'love'. Thankfully the dream ended quickly due to Sean's own tossing and turning during the morning waking me up.
Surprisingly when I looked at the clock it was already 5:30am, which means I must've slept without any nightmares or dreams for a good period of time. I snuggled up next to Sean for a bit and breathed deeply. He shortly after turned over and pulled me against him for snuggles as he often does when my alarm goes off to give me a few more happy moments before I have to leave. (I generally wake up about 30 minutes before him).
The evening soured my mood this morning and had me on edge. The purpose of coming to write was really to get it all out in the hopes it would improve how I was feeling. I'm glad to say that it has been somewhat of a help.
I'm more writing this morning because it's an outlet for having a *really*, really, REALLY crappy morning.
Quite honestly, if I had a way to rid myself of dreams, forever, I think I would. Not my hopes and aspirations, and day dreams type dreams - I mean the fall asleep into a tortured world type dreams.
I've always struggled with nightmares, for some reason they are a constant with me. I'm guaranteed to be plagued by them if I go to bed upset or stressed, but even when I've had an enjoyable day they seem to find a way into my subconscious dreamworld.
Last night was just ridiculous. I can pinpont 4 separate nightmares I had. This is a new record for me as I think I've really only had 1 or 2 nightmares per evening previously.
To give them each a brief synopsis, these are the four I can remember in way to much detail:
Nightmare #1) Dream about the world coming to an end in literally days. (really!??! .. where would this even stem from?). Apparantly the Prophet told my Mom and everyone else in the LDS church to get ready, because the end was coming very soon. She called all of us kids to tell us this and when I asked her skeptically just what "very soon" meant, she said it was going to be within a couple days. A couple of weeks at most. Essentially, she explained that the solar rays from the sun were piercing through our atmosphere and were going to set our world on fire. Again I say.... REALLY!?
Wake up, toss turn, consider calling my Mom, determine that's ridiculous. Go back to sleep..
Nightmare #2) Dream about having a completely deformed baby. It wasn't a long dream but it was bad enough. I became pregnant, went in for a 6 month ultrasound, and all of the arms, legs, head, everything was pretty much in the wrong place. In fact, my 'baby' was mostly a jumbled blob.
After dream two I looked at my alarm clock which read 2:08am and decided I had enough sleep for one evening. That lasted for about 1/2 hour before I became exhausted again and decided to lay back down and snuggle up to my husband.
Queue Nightmare #3) A dream that's similar to one I've had a couple of times and so it doesn't bother me too much because it's one of those reaccuring things. Basically Sean created an alternative email account. He was using it to contact a few of my friends in secret context. The ridiculous thing was that the email account ID, was a mixture of names from several of my ex's. I couldn't tell you the context of the 'secret' emails, other than they were secret, as the dream wasn't that in depth.
Wake up, fall back asleep almost immediately.
Nightmare #4) Sean runs off with a friend of ours as they've "fallen in love" with each other. (awesomesauce!!!.. my favorite type of dream!). Again, not a ton of detail to this one. Other than receiving a text that we needed to talk, and coming home to him telling me he's moving temporarily to TN so that he can be with his new found 'love'. Thankfully the dream ended quickly due to Sean's own tossing and turning during the morning waking me up.
Surprisingly when I looked at the clock it was already 5:30am, which means I must've slept without any nightmares or dreams for a good period of time. I snuggled up next to Sean for a bit and breathed deeply. He shortly after turned over and pulled me against him for snuggles as he often does when my alarm goes off to give me a few more happy moments before I have to leave. (I generally wake up about 30 minutes before him).
The evening soured my mood this morning and had me on edge. The purpose of coming to write was really to get it all out in the hopes it would improve how I was feeling. I'm glad to say that it has been somewhat of a help.
Friday, July 6, 2012
A Date to the Zoo
A few weeks ago, Sean and I came up with a fun idea to continue to encourage us to have fun outtings and dates together. It's a concept that's simple, fun, and easy. We sat down at the dinner table with a stack of sticky notes (this is so all the slips of paper looked the same), and each wrote down 5 fun date ideas. We were careful to keep them super secretive, and folded up our sticky notes, with matching folds (so again, they'd look the same) and put them in a basket.
The plan is to draw one 'date idea' each week and to accomplish it the upcoming weekend. We found out quickly that at times other things come up and we can't accomplish our 'date', however, we diligently place our 'date idea' on the fridge so that it's a constant reminder until we go!
The night that we made our basket full of fun ideas, Sean drew the first little, yellow, folded piece of surprise excitement from the basket. The 'date' that he drew was one of his own ideas, and was for us to go to one of our favorite restaurants, The Tucson Oven. The blog entry I wrote before this one was that date. :) I had meant to mention how our new fun idea came about in the post I made about the Tucson Oven, but I browsed through that post just a moment ago and saw that I hadn't.
It's my goal to blog about each of our dates we go on!
The day we went to the Tucson Oven, I drew our next 'date' from the basket. It was one of my ideas, and it was for us to go to the Gulf Breeze Zoo. Sean has lived in the Pensacola area for more than 20 years, but he's never been to the small local zoo that's here! It's only a few miles down the highway from our house
Due to weather and then family plans, it took a couple weeks for us to be able to go, but last weekend on Saturday, 6/30/12, off we went!
We took a ton of pictures, many of which I'll post later from home, and had a wonderful time. The only downer to the day was the heat. The almost unbearable heat! It was about 95 degrees and extremely humid. The pictures of us aren't my favorite because I'm definitely not looking my best! .. What can I say, it was hot and muggy, and I was sweaty!
A had a couple of favorite parts to the couple hours we were there. First, I got to feed and pet a giraffe and a camel! .. WOO!.. I got to feed many other animals too, but the giraffe was definitely one of the highlights. He/She was beautiful. The camel I must say... stunk. I'm sure I did too, so we tried not to offend each other.
The plan is to draw one 'date idea' each week and to accomplish it the upcoming weekend. We found out quickly that at times other things come up and we can't accomplish our 'date', however, we diligently place our 'date idea' on the fridge so that it's a constant reminder until we go!
The night that we made our basket full of fun ideas, Sean drew the first little, yellow, folded piece of surprise excitement from the basket. The 'date' that he drew was one of his own ideas, and was for us to go to one of our favorite restaurants, The Tucson Oven. The blog entry I wrote before this one was that date. :) I had meant to mention how our new fun idea came about in the post I made about the Tucson Oven, but I browsed through that post just a moment ago and saw that I hadn't.
It's my goal to blog about each of our dates we go on!
The day we went to the Tucson Oven, I drew our next 'date' from the basket. It was one of my ideas, and it was for us to go to the Gulf Breeze Zoo. Sean has lived in the Pensacola area for more than 20 years, but he's never been to the small local zoo that's here! It's only a few miles down the highway from our house
Due to weather and then family plans, it took a couple weeks for us to be able to go, but last weekend on Saturday, 6/30/12, off we went!
We took a ton of pictures, many of which I'll post later from home, and had a wonderful time. The only downer to the day was the heat. The almost unbearable heat! It was about 95 degrees and extremely humid. The pictures of us aren't my favorite because I'm definitely not looking my best! .. What can I say, it was hot and muggy, and I was sweaty!
A had a couple of favorite parts to the couple hours we were there. First, I got to feed and pet a giraffe and a camel! .. WOO!.. I got to feed many other animals too, but the giraffe was definitely one of the highlights. He/She was beautiful. The camel I must say... stunk. I'm sure I did too, so we tried not to offend each other.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Adventures of Flooding
Yesterday I experienced a new kind of adventure. I decided then that I would have to write about it as it's one of those types of memories that would be interesting and fun to look back on.
Southern Alabama and Northwestern Florida had flooding yesterday to an extreme that was considered a natural disaster.
On June 9, 2012 - we got more rain fall in inches than we have since the 1930's. It was even more of an odd situation as there was no tropical storm and no hurricane. A few years ago Pensacola, FL was hit by Hurricane Ivan, one of the worst Pensacola has seen, and even during that time the city didn't receive as much rainfall as we did yesterday.
Sean and our's day began with us playing our online video game, chatting with my brother, and having a relaxing rainy Saturday. We had a planned lunch date and around 11am started preparing to head out. We usually watch the news in the morning, but hadn't that day.
We headed out and noticed right from the start that the roads were semi-flooded and there were a few deep areas of water we had to carefully navigate through, but didn't think much of it. It's very common for us to receive a massive dump of rain over a period of about an hour in this area. Typically it does that and then it drains off in a couple hours. We continued on to lunch ..
We made it into Pensacola and on the way up to our restaurant destination, The Tucson Oven, we came across a low area of road that was unpassable. Cars and even trucks were turning around and going back the other way. We made the same wise decision and took a different route, via the freeway, to get to our location.
We briefly considered heading back home when we came across the inaccessible portion of road, but figured we were having an adventure and again, figured the rain would stop soon and things would drain off by the time we finished lunch.
We didn't encounter any other problems getting to The Tucson Oven and sat down for our lunch. As we ate we watched the rain continue to come down in torrents out the window and started to thinking briefly, hmmmmmmmm.... getting home, may just be a problem!
As we left the restaurant the skies cleared briefly and we figured we were home free. No worries. Well, that lasted for about 15 minutes and then the downpour started all over again.
During our 15 minutes of clearing we made it back to the beginnings of Gulf Breeze. We have to pass through Gulf Breeze Proper to get to 'Midway' the area we live in. As we drove through we went by 3 large storm drains that the Fire Department were working hard to keep clear. They had the roads blocked so that people had to travel closest to the center of the road to keep them as high as possible. The Fire Department had 2 men at each storm drain and they were up to their thighs in the water. They were using what looked like shovels or rakes to drag debris off the top of the drains to keep the water flowing in. I wish I had taken a picture because there were large whirlpools swirling into the drains and yet the water kept rising. I can imagine that the men clearing the drains were fighting quite a current to stay on their feet.
We made it past Proper and drove about 10 more miles to get close to where we live. The roads were decent with only a few more areas that we had to stay to the center of the road to avoid the deepest water. This being said, even in the center of the road there was 8"-12" of water we were slowly and carefully driving through!
Now, there are about 3 ways to access the street we live on. We turned down the first street about 6 blocks away from our home and quickly realized it wasn't an option. We ended up driving into about 12" of water and it was very quickly getting deeper. We chose to back up and try a different route.
We took one of the more main roads down to another access point. As we looked down that road we saw two young men, about in their twenties, walking ..... wading ........ swimming? .. down the street with water that was up to their waists. Well.... we quickly realized that wasn't going to be an option.
One final option, and one final view down another side street, and we quickly realized we wouldn't be getting back to our house, at least not in my car. The third route was also flooded and probably the most dangerous. There's a small creek that runs through the properties and it was pouring across the top of the road. We found out later that this road was barricaded as there was a concern that a car or truck would easily be swept sideways if it tried to drive through it.
We then also realized that the water was continuing to go up in inches, and getting back out to the main road was probably not an option. We were right next to a small Public Park that's on higher ground so we made the decision to pull into the parking lot and evaluate our situation.
I have to say at this point, that while the situation could be dangerous if in the wrong place, it was also kind of a humerous adventure for us. Concerning, but humerous. I give both Sean and I credit because instead of worrying and stressing. We were laughing, smiling, and saying to ourselves, WOW. If there'd been severe winds or it had been nighttime, I could see us having more concern at that moment, but really, we were kind of amused at our dilemna.
We were in our location at the park for about 5 minutes, deciding if we were going to wade / swim our way home, when an SUV that we'd also seen driving around pulled up next to us. We were very happy to discover that the SUV was actually one of the Fire Department's unmarked vehicles. He was out in our area blocking off / barricading roads and helping to rescue people where he could and he offered to get us home. Thank you Gulf Breeze Fire Department!!!!!
Our kind fireman drove us the long way around to the street we had first tried to go down. There was still some hesitation to getting us home as we had to drive through about 2 feet of water which was about the limit for his SUV. We drove slowly and watched to make sure the water didn't get any deeper around us and we made it!
I'm very happy to say that no water got into our home. It got close enough that we were concerned for a bit, but never made it all the way up. Sadly many people we know didn't fair so well. One of our acquantances in Pensacola has said that there's water about 8 inches above his electrical outlets - thankfully they have flood insurance. Another friend of ours was evacuated along with her neighbors from their area of Pensacola. She went home today and was very glad to find that water did not make it into her home. Thank goodness for the most part a lot of the homes are built up high enough from the roads to allow for a few feet of flood water.
Tomorrow we'll see our places of business faired. One of the pictures I posted below is of the Burger King that is literally a couple blocks away from my work place. Sean's place of business is on some of the lower roads of Downtown Pensacola so it may gotten some water inside.
Shortly after we made it home, the rain started to slow down. Several hours later we went and got my car back. We walked the short way, which meant wading through water that was knee deep (and adventure in itself!), but drove back the long way. The two roads we tried to get down last were still flooded (knee deep), but the road the Fire Dept took us down had gone down enough for us to drive on. I was happy to have my car back safe and sound at home.
Today it's continued to rain and it's supposed to continue to rain all week, but fortunately it hasn't been a straight downpour since yesterday afternoon, which has allowed most of the water to go down. We drove around a bit this evening and all of the roads were driveable in our area.
Here are a few pictures of the Pensacola area on June 9, 2012. I didn't take these myself, some are from 'weather.com' and one is a picture that one of my acquantances on Facebook took.
On June 9, 2012 - we got more rain fall in inches than we have since the 1930's. It was even more of an odd situation as there was no tropical storm and no hurricane. A few years ago Pensacola, FL was hit by Hurricane Ivan, one of the worst Pensacola has seen, and even during that time the city didn't receive as much rainfall as we did yesterday.
Sean and our's day began with us playing our online video game, chatting with my brother, and having a relaxing rainy Saturday. We had a planned lunch date and around 11am started preparing to head out. We usually watch the news in the morning, but hadn't that day.
We headed out and noticed right from the start that the roads were semi-flooded and there were a few deep areas of water we had to carefully navigate through, but didn't think much of it. It's very common for us to receive a massive dump of rain over a period of about an hour in this area. Typically it does that and then it drains off in a couple hours. We continued on to lunch ..
We made it into Pensacola and on the way up to our restaurant destination, The Tucson Oven, we came across a low area of road that was unpassable. Cars and even trucks were turning around and going back the other way. We made the same wise decision and took a different route, via the freeway, to get to our location.
We briefly considered heading back home when we came across the inaccessible portion of road, but figured we were having an adventure and again, figured the rain would stop soon and things would drain off by the time we finished lunch.
We didn't encounter any other problems getting to The Tucson Oven and sat down for our lunch. As we ate we watched the rain continue to come down in torrents out the window and started to thinking briefly, hmmmmmmmm.... getting home, may just be a problem!
As we left the restaurant the skies cleared briefly and we figured we were home free. No worries. Well, that lasted for about 15 minutes and then the downpour started all over again.
During our 15 minutes of clearing we made it back to the beginnings of Gulf Breeze. We have to pass through Gulf Breeze Proper to get to 'Midway' the area we live in. As we drove through we went by 3 large storm drains that the Fire Department were working hard to keep clear. They had the roads blocked so that people had to travel closest to the center of the road to keep them as high as possible. The Fire Department had 2 men at each storm drain and they were up to their thighs in the water. They were using what looked like shovels or rakes to drag debris off the top of the drains to keep the water flowing in. I wish I had taken a picture because there were large whirlpools swirling into the drains and yet the water kept rising. I can imagine that the men clearing the drains were fighting quite a current to stay on their feet.
We made it past Proper and drove about 10 more miles to get close to where we live. The roads were decent with only a few more areas that we had to stay to the center of the road to avoid the deepest water. This being said, even in the center of the road there was 8"-12" of water we were slowly and carefully driving through!
Now, there are about 3 ways to access the street we live on. We turned down the first street about 6 blocks away from our home and quickly realized it wasn't an option. We ended up driving into about 12" of water and it was very quickly getting deeper. We chose to back up and try a different route.
We took one of the more main roads down to another access point. As we looked down that road we saw two young men, about in their twenties, walking ..... wading ........ swimming? .. down the street with water that was up to their waists. Well.... we quickly realized that wasn't going to be an option.
One final option, and one final view down another side street, and we quickly realized we wouldn't be getting back to our house, at least not in my car. The third route was also flooded and probably the most dangerous. There's a small creek that runs through the properties and it was pouring across the top of the road. We found out later that this road was barricaded as there was a concern that a car or truck would easily be swept sideways if it tried to drive through it.
We then also realized that the water was continuing to go up in inches, and getting back out to the main road was probably not an option. We were right next to a small Public Park that's on higher ground so we made the decision to pull into the parking lot and evaluate our situation.
I have to say at this point, that while the situation could be dangerous if in the wrong place, it was also kind of a humerous adventure for us. Concerning, but humerous. I give both Sean and I credit because instead of worrying and stressing. We were laughing, smiling, and saying to ourselves, WOW. If there'd been severe winds or it had been nighttime, I could see us having more concern at that moment, but really, we were kind of amused at our dilemna.
We were in our location at the park for about 5 minutes, deciding if we were going to wade / swim our way home, when an SUV that we'd also seen driving around pulled up next to us. We were very happy to discover that the SUV was actually one of the Fire Department's unmarked vehicles. He was out in our area blocking off / barricading roads and helping to rescue people where he could and he offered to get us home. Thank you Gulf Breeze Fire Department!!!!!
Our kind fireman drove us the long way around to the street we had first tried to go down. There was still some hesitation to getting us home as we had to drive through about 2 feet of water which was about the limit for his SUV. We drove slowly and watched to make sure the water didn't get any deeper around us and we made it!
I'm very happy to say that no water got into our home. It got close enough that we were concerned for a bit, but never made it all the way up. Sadly many people we know didn't fair so well. One of our acquantances in Pensacola has said that there's water about 8 inches above his electrical outlets - thankfully they have flood insurance. Another friend of ours was evacuated along with her neighbors from their area of Pensacola. She went home today and was very glad to find that water did not make it into her home. Thank goodness for the most part a lot of the homes are built up high enough from the roads to allow for a few feet of flood water.
Tomorrow we'll see our places of business faired. One of the pictures I posted below is of the Burger King that is literally a couple blocks away from my work place. Sean's place of business is on some of the lower roads of Downtown Pensacola so it may gotten some water inside.
Shortly after we made it home, the rain started to slow down. Several hours later we went and got my car back. We walked the short way, which meant wading through water that was knee deep (and adventure in itself!), but drove back the long way. The two roads we tried to get down last were still flooded (knee deep), but the road the Fire Dept took us down had gone down enough for us to drive on. I was happy to have my car back safe and sound at home.
Today it's continued to rain and it's supposed to continue to rain all week, but fortunately it hasn't been a straight downpour since yesterday afternoon, which has allowed most of the water to go down. We drove around a bit this evening and all of the roads were driveable in our area.
Here are a few pictures of the Pensacola area on June 9, 2012. I didn't take these myself, some are from 'weather.com' and one is a picture that one of my acquantances on Facebook took.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Another Day
It's morning, the day is about to begin, and I have a couple minutes to write.
Sean was up early this morning and I slept in a bit, he's now taking a mid-morning nap on the couch downstairs. It's 9:40am and we're going to his parents for a late breakfast at 10:30am.
Our plans are to have breakfast, go see Bailee for awhile (yep, still own Bailee, our horse!), and then come home a relax. We'll probably play some Rift, watch a movie, and just chill. Rift is an online game, called an MMO, that we play together. It's a fun little way to pass the time and do something we both enjoy.
Its Sunday an we're used to usually get Andrew back today, Sean's teenage son, my stepson. :) We switched the schedule up a bit though so we'll actually be getting him back on Friday. It's really only been a couple days since we've seen him, as we dropped him off at his Mom's on Friday, but I guess the norm of usually seeing him Sunday afternoon/evening has me thinking about him and missing him a bit. Drew is 16 years old, almost 17, eek!.. and I absolutely love and adore him. He has the fairly typical frustrating teenager atributes and can be both rebelious and rude at times, but he is overall such a good young man. He's polite, helpful, kind, and loving. He has a passion for animals that reminds me much of myself when I was his age. I think he enjoys being with animals more than people at times - also a reminder of myself. :) When Sean and I are busy doing something and he's at home, it never fails that he'll stop by and ask if we need anything or if he can help out. I remember when I first met him that I thought this was almost an odd attritube and wondered if there was more behind it, but there really isn't, Drew just loves to be helpful and involved. It's one of the many things I love about him. We go grocery shopping together sometimes, just the two of us, and I always enjoy it. If I'm held up at the deli, he runs to get other things on the list. He stays by my side and always wants to push the cart. Best of all, numerous times I've seen him stop in an aisle and offer to help someone older, or a bit shorter, reach something, pick up something heavy to put in a cart, or help in another way. Andrew will do great things because he has one of the biggest hearts I know.
We have 50/50 custody of Drew with his Mom. She lives a few miles away from us and we switch off every Friday. The custody situation has switched around a few times in Drew's life and I give him credit for adapting through what has been a tough situation at times. 2 years ago when we moved from the Tampa area up to Pensacola, we had full custody in order to keep Drew in the Gulf Breeze School District when his Mom lived in Pensacola with her boyfriend. This last summer, Crystal, his Mom, moved to Gulf Breeze as well and we all agreed to switch the situation to 1 week there and 1 week here. There we concerns on if this would work out, but overall it seems to go very well and smooth.
It's almost 10am and time to get ready to go, Sean's parents live about 15 minutes from us, so we'll need to head out soon.
Sean was up early this morning and I slept in a bit, he's now taking a mid-morning nap on the couch downstairs. It's 9:40am and we're going to his parents for a late breakfast at 10:30am.
Our plans are to have breakfast, go see Bailee for awhile (yep, still own Bailee, our horse!), and then come home a relax. We'll probably play some Rift, watch a movie, and just chill. Rift is an online game, called an MMO, that we play together. It's a fun little way to pass the time and do something we both enjoy.
Its Sunday an we're used to usually get Andrew back today, Sean's teenage son, my stepson. :) We switched the schedule up a bit though so we'll actually be getting him back on Friday. It's really only been a couple days since we've seen him, as we dropped him off at his Mom's on Friday, but I guess the norm of usually seeing him Sunday afternoon/evening has me thinking about him and missing him a bit. Drew is 16 years old, almost 17, eek!.. and I absolutely love and adore him. He has the fairly typical frustrating teenager atributes and can be both rebelious and rude at times, but he is overall such a good young man. He's polite, helpful, kind, and loving. He has a passion for animals that reminds me much of myself when I was his age. I think he enjoys being with animals more than people at times - also a reminder of myself. :) When Sean and I are busy doing something and he's at home, it never fails that he'll stop by and ask if we need anything or if he can help out. I remember when I first met him that I thought this was almost an odd attritube and wondered if there was more behind it, but there really isn't, Drew just loves to be helpful and involved. It's one of the many things I love about him. We go grocery shopping together sometimes, just the two of us, and I always enjoy it. If I'm held up at the deli, he runs to get other things on the list. He stays by my side and always wants to push the cart. Best of all, numerous times I've seen him stop in an aisle and offer to help someone older, or a bit shorter, reach something, pick up something heavy to put in a cart, or help in another way. Andrew will do great things because he has one of the biggest hearts I know.
We have 50/50 custody of Drew with his Mom. She lives a few miles away from us and we switch off every Friday. The custody situation has switched around a few times in Drew's life and I give him credit for adapting through what has been a tough situation at times. 2 years ago when we moved from the Tampa area up to Pensacola, we had full custody in order to keep Drew in the Gulf Breeze School District when his Mom lived in Pensacola with her boyfriend. This last summer, Crystal, his Mom, moved to Gulf Breeze as well and we all agreed to switch the situation to 1 week there and 1 week here. There we concerns on if this would work out, but overall it seems to go very well and smooth.
It's almost 10am and time to get ready to go, Sean's parents live about 15 minutes from us, so we'll need to head out soon.
Monday, January 9, 2012
A year and some odd months.. what happened to 2011?
2011 came and went and I wrote nothing .................... oops. I guess all the times in 2009 and 2010 that I said I wanted to write more didn't really happen.
Truth be told I've been looking at my blog for the last 2 weeks trying to get up the motivation to write. There's a whole lot that happens when you don't write for about 18 months and there's really no way to cover it all.
A few things that have been happening / changing:
- Sean and I got married November 5, 2011, it was a beautiful wedding. The weather was perfect, we had a great time, it was wonderful to see many of our friends in family. I'll cover more details on this later.
- Sean and I both are working new jobs.
Sean is working for Hixardt as a Network Engineer and I couldn't be more proud of him. He was really worried throughout the interview process and wanted the job so badly. He of course breezed through the process with flying colors. It's a great company with tons of room for advancement. They're excited and very encouraging when it comes to furthering Sean's education so he can move up quickly within the company. Other than when I worked at SunLife, I've never seen a company so proactive in wanting to further there employees education and watch them advance.
I'm working for a company called Healthstat, Inc, who's newest client is BCBS of Florida. I work in the BCBS of Florida medical clinic as a Receptionist. I hope to advance into other things for either Healthstat, Inc or BCBS of Florida within the next year as well. It's been an exciting opportunity as the medical clinic is one of the first of it's kind. BCBS of Florida as an insurance company, is moving forward with opening several medical clinics where there 'insured' will be seen exclusively as patients of physicians that work for BCBS. It's really a great plan. Ideally it will eliminate a large amount of the confusion that can come up with patients when dealing with medical billing, referrals, procedures, and physicians. It allows for everything to be handled and managed within the same company / spectrum.
-My sister in the middle moved to Walla Walla, WA from Tucson, AZ, and had her second baby.
Another boy, named Wesley, and he's beautiful in every way. Sadly I've only gotten to see him via webcam so far. I'm hoping that a time will become available soon that I can go spend a few days with them in WA.
-Sean and I decided that we wanted to have a child of our own and start a family.
This comes with some sad news. Sean and I started trying immediately for a child after we got married. On December 16th it was confirmed that I was pregnant and we were thrilled. On December 17th, we told my family and his family the news. Everyone was of course very excited. On December 20th while at work I started to bleed and cramp heavily. On December 23rd, the information that we already knew, was officially confirmed that I had miscarried. The reason I say it was "confirmed" on this date is because you have to wait a few days to see if your hormone levels drop enough for a pregnancy test to reflect 'negative'.
To say that we were devasted is an understatement. We had a few days that were very difficult emotionally. I cried a lot. Sean was quiet and withdrawn. We were there for each other in silence as neither of us really knew what to say or how to talk about it. We cuddled, watched movies, and just stayed close to each other. We've since come to a fairly peaceful place. We know that there could've possibly been something wrong with the baby, in which case it would've been better that we lost him or her, and we know that while horrible, these things do happen. We know that we'll eventually try again, though for a short time we're going to wait.
-I'm currently off my anti-depressant medication
I mention this as it's recently started to become a real problem and challenge. I don't think I've ever even mentioned prior in my blog that I took an anti-depressant, but I have for a large portion of my life.
I started taking Celexa for my anxiety and depression when I was around 18 years old. I've gone off it a few times since then and quite honestly, within a few months, its always become a problem for me and I end up back on it. A long time ago I had to come to terms with the fact that I have some form of medical imbalance that makes this form of a medication a need for me. However, on that note, it doesn't make it easy for me to know that it's a need. Quite frankly, I hate it. Loathe it.
A few years ago a psychiatrist that I saw told me that the world does not judge those who have diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, and other illnesses that require medication; and that I shouldn't judge myself any more than I would those people. She had a point. A very valid point. I'm aware that it's societies standards and view points that have created the mindset that if you take medication an emotional medical problem, then you're extremely 'screwed up'. The problem may be emotional in nature, but guess what world, there are now tests that prove that it's a *physical* imbalance in the body that creates the problem. Now if only that little fact could make me feel completely better about having to take the medication.
Anyhow, as said above, it's started to become a problem that I'm not longer taking the medication. It's been about 8 weeks, and I'm struggling with more anxiety, mood swings, depression, and an overall inability to handle small daily life problems. I came off the medication because Sean and I wanted to try to have a baby and I simply refuse, no matter how small the risk, to stay on it while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.
Now, I can add that there have been additional problems in the last 4-6 weeks that could be contributing to the problem. The miscarriage, obviously, and other problems that I've chosen not to write about here that Sean and I have been working through. However, that being said, I know my body, and know my mind, and realize that this last week I've been feeling much more out of control --- and there isn't anything major and stressful that has happened or occurred in the last couple of weeks.
Yesterday I lost control of my emotions to a severe degree. I'm very grateful to Sean, my dear husband, for his support and love. It was by far the worst that he's ever seen me at in the almost 3 years that we've known each other. As soon as I got to a place that I was able to communicate through broken words and tears what was happening he sat with me, held me, comforted me, stroked my hair, rocked my gently, and soothed me with words of reassurance as I cried from the depth of my soul. This morning he called after leaving for work to check on me and see how I was feeling and offered words of encouragement and understanding when I explained how it had been hard for me to get up and going.
Depression comes in many forms and degrees, and the degree that I have is caused by a physical imbalance, one that I do need medication to maintain. For now until we start trying to have a baby again, we decided it would be best for me to discuss with my doctor starting to take my medication again.
I do want to add that this afternoon / evening I am feeling quite a bit better than I did yesterday and this morning. I went to work, came home and got some cleaning done, and plan to start dinner in just a few moments.
I'm setting a goal to at minimum try and write at least once a month this year. We'll see how it goes. :)
Truth be told I've been looking at my blog for the last 2 weeks trying to get up the motivation to write. There's a whole lot that happens when you don't write for about 18 months and there's really no way to cover it all.
A few things that have been happening / changing:
- Sean and I got married November 5, 2011, it was a beautiful wedding. The weather was perfect, we had a great time, it was wonderful to see many of our friends in family. I'll cover more details on this later.
- Sean and I both are working new jobs.
Sean is working for Hixardt as a Network Engineer and I couldn't be more proud of him. He was really worried throughout the interview process and wanted the job so badly. He of course breezed through the process with flying colors. It's a great company with tons of room for advancement. They're excited and very encouraging when it comes to furthering Sean's education so he can move up quickly within the company. Other than when I worked at SunLife, I've never seen a company so proactive in wanting to further there employees education and watch them advance.
I'm working for a company called Healthstat, Inc, who's newest client is BCBS of Florida. I work in the BCBS of Florida medical clinic as a Receptionist. I hope to advance into other things for either Healthstat, Inc or BCBS of Florida within the next year as well. It's been an exciting opportunity as the medical clinic is one of the first of it's kind. BCBS of Florida as an insurance company, is moving forward with opening several medical clinics where there 'insured' will be seen exclusively as patients of physicians that work for BCBS. It's really a great plan. Ideally it will eliminate a large amount of the confusion that can come up with patients when dealing with medical billing, referrals, procedures, and physicians. It allows for everything to be handled and managed within the same company / spectrum.
-My sister in the middle moved to Walla Walla, WA from Tucson, AZ, and had her second baby.
Another boy, named Wesley, and he's beautiful in every way. Sadly I've only gotten to see him via webcam so far. I'm hoping that a time will become available soon that I can go spend a few days with them in WA.
-Sean and I decided that we wanted to have a child of our own and start a family.
This comes with some sad news. Sean and I started trying immediately for a child after we got married. On December 16th it was confirmed that I was pregnant and we were thrilled. On December 17th, we told my family and his family the news. Everyone was of course very excited. On December 20th while at work I started to bleed and cramp heavily. On December 23rd, the information that we already knew, was officially confirmed that I had miscarried. The reason I say it was "confirmed" on this date is because you have to wait a few days to see if your hormone levels drop enough for a pregnancy test to reflect 'negative'.
To say that we were devasted is an understatement. We had a few days that were very difficult emotionally. I cried a lot. Sean was quiet and withdrawn. We were there for each other in silence as neither of us really knew what to say or how to talk about it. We cuddled, watched movies, and just stayed close to each other. We've since come to a fairly peaceful place. We know that there could've possibly been something wrong with the baby, in which case it would've been better that we lost him or her, and we know that while horrible, these things do happen. We know that we'll eventually try again, though for a short time we're going to wait.
-I'm currently off my anti-depressant medication
I mention this as it's recently started to become a real problem and challenge. I don't think I've ever even mentioned prior in my blog that I took an anti-depressant, but I have for a large portion of my life.
I started taking Celexa for my anxiety and depression when I was around 18 years old. I've gone off it a few times since then and quite honestly, within a few months, its always become a problem for me and I end up back on it. A long time ago I had to come to terms with the fact that I have some form of medical imbalance that makes this form of a medication a need for me. However, on that note, it doesn't make it easy for me to know that it's a need. Quite frankly, I hate it. Loathe it.
A few years ago a psychiatrist that I saw told me that the world does not judge those who have diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, and other illnesses that require medication; and that I shouldn't judge myself any more than I would those people. She had a point. A very valid point. I'm aware that it's societies standards and view points that have created the mindset that if you take medication an emotional medical problem, then you're extremely 'screwed up'. The problem may be emotional in nature, but guess what world, there are now tests that prove that it's a *physical* imbalance in the body that creates the problem. Now if only that little fact could make me feel completely better about having to take the medication.
Anyhow, as said above, it's started to become a problem that I'm not longer taking the medication. It's been about 8 weeks, and I'm struggling with more anxiety, mood swings, depression, and an overall inability to handle small daily life problems. I came off the medication because Sean and I wanted to try to have a baby and I simply refuse, no matter how small the risk, to stay on it while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.
Now, I can add that there have been additional problems in the last 4-6 weeks that could be contributing to the problem. The miscarriage, obviously, and other problems that I've chosen not to write about here that Sean and I have been working through. However, that being said, I know my body, and know my mind, and realize that this last week I've been feeling much more out of control --- and there isn't anything major and stressful that has happened or occurred in the last couple of weeks.
Yesterday I lost control of my emotions to a severe degree. I'm very grateful to Sean, my dear husband, for his support and love. It was by far the worst that he's ever seen me at in the almost 3 years that we've known each other. As soon as I got to a place that I was able to communicate through broken words and tears what was happening he sat with me, held me, comforted me, stroked my hair, rocked my gently, and soothed me with words of reassurance as I cried from the depth of my soul. This morning he called after leaving for work to check on me and see how I was feeling and offered words of encouragement and understanding when I explained how it had been hard for me to get up and going.
Depression comes in many forms and degrees, and the degree that I have is caused by a physical imbalance, one that I do need medication to maintain. For now until we start trying to have a baby again, we decided it would be best for me to discuss with my doctor starting to take my medication again.
I do want to add that this afternoon / evening I am feeling quite a bit better than I did yesterday and this morning. I went to work, came home and got some cleaning done, and plan to start dinner in just a few moments.
I'm setting a goal to at minimum try and write at least once a month this year. We'll see how it goes. :)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
ENGAGED!!!!!!!
It's been a few days since the big announcement, but the "Title" says it all in truth... I'm engaged!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm so so happy. Joyful and truly, fully, completely filled with happiness. It's a wonderful feeling.My ring... my gorgeous, beautiful ring is outstanding. It's platinum and it has a marquis center diamond that is just under 3/4 of a carat. On the sides are 3 round diamonds that also total about 3/4 of a carat. I have 1.5 carats of DIAMONDS on my finger!!!! OMG! hehehe. Ok that's the giddy silly bouncy self typing.
I've of course attached a picture off the the right. :)
And of course... I must share all of the details of the night of the engagement...
We all (Sean, his Mom, his Dad, and his Grandfather) went out as a family to a place called Vic and Ike's (http://vic-and-ikes.com/), it's a new, very classy and modern restaurant downtown. We'd been talking about going for a couple of weeks once Sean's Grandfather was in town; little did I know that everyone knew of the additional plans at the restaurant other than me. :)
We arrived around 6:30pm and had an absolutely outstanding dinner which included a carpaccio of Angus Beef for an appetizer, delicious crab bisque for a starter, and a wonderful scallop dish for me. We sat at a round table together, Sean to my left, my soon to be father-in-law to my right, with my soon to be mother-in-law across the round from me. The restaurant is filled with black and white photographs of John Wayne, Frank Sinatra, and other classic legends. Frank Sinatra plays quietly and romantically over the speakers through-out the restaurant.
We had brought mother's camera with us which I thought nothing of, we've been taking pictures the entire time that grandpa has been here.
Through-out the evening there were probably a couple of hints that had I known what was happening could've clued me in, but I was totally oblivious. Sean's hands were clammy after bringing his Grandfather to the restroom; little did I know this was right before his planned time for the proposal. Additionally he seemed very fidgety and on edge at some points through-out dinner, in fact at one point I touched his hand and asked if he was alright as he seemed on edge.
The time for dessert came, and everyone had been very insistent through dinner that we all save room as their desserts were outstanding as well. I ordered a peach cheesecake and the others ordered a crazy-insane chocolaty dessert. The desserts came out about 15 minutes later and our waiter went around setting them down on the table, coming to Sean and I last. After setting down our desserts I could feel our waiters presence behind me still and I remember wondering what he was doing, thinking it was odd he was still standing there. ........
He then sat another platter down on the table, one that had a dark green box in the center of it. Sean's mom had pulled out her camera and started taking pictures. My face in the first picture says it fairly well. I was completely confused. haha. I looked at Sean's Mom, then his Dad, then back at Sean as he picked up the box from the platter and suddenly it dawned on me what was happening. The rest is almost a surreal blur. Sean got down on one knee in front of my chair and opened the box and said simply and beautifully, "I thought now would be a good time to ask, will you marry me?". I think I uttered, "oh my gosh....oh my gosh" as few times and I again looked to Sean's mom, grandfather, and dad, almost as if questioning if this was really happening. I then turned back to Sean and yelled, "of course!" and gave him a huge hug. He slipped my gorgeous ring onto my finger and everyone in the restaurant started to clap. As the clapping continued I held Sean's face in my hands and kissed him long and gentle. I was stunned, in awe, and so unbelievably happy.
Sean told me a few minutes later that I had scared him for a moment because I wasn't saying anything! hahaha. This pause was of course only due to my stunned state over what was happening. :) I've known for months that I would say "Yes" or in this case "Of course!" if and when Sean asked me for my hand in marriage.
A moment later I said that I absolutely had to call my Mom and apologized for being rude at the table. It was then that Sean told me that she already knew. He had called her a few days previous and asked for her permission to marry me. My heart fills with joy just typing it again now. It meant so much to me. I called my Mom with tears of happiness and said when she answered, "I can't believe you knew!"... I speak to her almost daily and she had never even let on in the tiniest way.
To top the evening off at the restaurant, our wonderful and talented chef came out (there's a picture of him as well), offered us his congratulations and gave us a bottle of wine as a gift. It was such a sweet and kind gesture.
The rest of the night is a total blur of phone calls, starring at my sparkly gorgeous ring, pictures, hugs, congratulations, and then finally snuggling up to my fiancé and drifting off to sleep.
I still look at the ring about every ten minutes; I love to look at the sparkle of the diamonds. It's absolutely stunning and perfect, just like my fiancé, the man I look forward to spending forever with.
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