It's late and I honestly don't know how much I will write, but I've been thinking about it on and off all day so I figured it was a good sign that I was in need of writing again.
I wish I could say things were better. If anything things are more confusing right now than I think they ever have been in my life. I don't know, maybe not. I had some pretty bad years with my ex, but I don't think those were really confusing for me, I was pretty messed up then so I kinda just went with whatever the ex said. *shudder* Ok, moving on from that subject.
My ankle and knee are doing better and improving slowly, but well. My orthopedic doctor was very pleased with my progress when I saw him on 4/27. I start physical therapy this Thursday and I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, with PT I'll be able to go back to riding in a month? It should hopefully be possible. I have to wear the immobilization boot very seldom now which is a relief; I just have to be very aware of where I'm stepping (no uneven ground) and very careful overall. I still get quite a bit of achy pain when I rotate the ankle or am on my feet for more than a few minutes at a time, but I'm told that's all a normal part of the healing process. The weather here has been beautiful and I would love a chance to get out more, but right now I need to limit myself to short walks in the sunlight of about 5 minutes. If I push it I'm asking for a day of pain, being back in the immobilizer for that day, and a swollen ankle and foot. However, I have been trying to spend at least 15 minutes a day in the sunlight in one way or another. It's supposed to help with the blues and be good for the soul right?
Dave and I are now more or less officially separated. He started feeling better, I progressively started feeling worse. I have a lot of frustrations that have built up over the years and when we took time apart, I think it gave me some space to think over everything, and now, I'm just stuck. I don't know what I want anymore. I do know that I'm SO TIRED of always saying "I don't know" because it seems to be the answer in my head to everything I'm asked. Two days ago I moved into a friends place for about a month, probably 6 weeks at most. It's a decision that I made, and Dave accepted the best he could, as I feel I'm not going to be able to figure this out without additional space and time to think. He and I are still 'dating' while I'm in this location. We have plans to see a movie tomorrow and we'll be going to an SCA Event together this upcoming weekend. We both started seeing a marriage counsellor who is currently meeting with us separately. She feels that for right now until we each work through some of our individual problems its the best idea. She advised me this last week to stop trying to rush myself. I'm so desperate to have the right answer that I'm causing myself anxiety attacks and constant stress. So, my new focus for at least the next couple of weeks is to concentrate on one day at a time; to not let anyone push me into making a quick decision, to not try and force myself to come up with all of the answers.
Each day I feel a bit different. Today is another self-hatred day of feeling like I'm just not trying hard enough; that if I was a good person, a good wife, I wouldn't ever consider the possibility of divorce. Yet here I am, on a fence, looking both ways and having no idea which side I'm supposed to land on. The constant turmoil is enough to drive a person insane. How do people know? How do people actually make decisions like this? Right now I'm stuck with feeling it's not possible to make a decision and I'll be in limbo land forever.
