It's morning, the day is about to begin, and I have a couple minutes to write.
Sean was up early this morning and I slept in a bit, he's now taking a mid-morning nap on the couch downstairs. It's 9:40am and we're going to his parents for a late breakfast at 10:30am.
Our plans are to have breakfast, go see Bailee for awhile (yep, still own Bailee, our horse!), and then come home a relax. We'll probably play some Rift, watch a movie, and just chill. Rift is an online game, called an MMO, that we play together. It's a fun little way to pass the time and do something we both enjoy.
Its Sunday an we're used to usually get Andrew back today, Sean's teenage son, my stepson. :) We switched the schedule up a bit though so we'll actually be getting him back on Friday. It's really only been a couple days since we've seen him, as we dropped him off at his Mom's on Friday, but I guess the norm of usually seeing him Sunday afternoon/evening has me thinking about him and missing him a bit. Drew is 16 years old, almost 17, eek!.. and I absolutely love and adore him. He has the fairly typical frustrating teenager atributes and can be both rebelious and rude at times, but he is overall such a good young man. He's polite, helpful, kind, and loving. He has a passion for animals that reminds me much of myself when I was his age. I think he enjoys being with animals more than people at times - also a reminder of myself. :) When Sean and I are busy doing something and he's at home, it never fails that he'll stop by and ask if we need anything or if he can help out. I remember when I first met him that I thought this was almost an odd attritube and wondered if there was more behind it, but there really isn't, Drew just loves to be helpful and involved. It's one of the many things I love about him. We go grocery shopping together sometimes, just the two of us, and I always enjoy it. If I'm held up at the deli, he runs to get other things on the list. He stays by my side and always wants to push the cart. Best of all, numerous times I've seen him stop in an aisle and offer to help someone older, or a bit shorter, reach something, pick up something heavy to put in a cart, or help in another way. Andrew will do great things because he has one of the biggest hearts I know.
We have 50/50 custody of Drew with his Mom. She lives a few miles away from us and we switch off every Friday. The custody situation has switched around a few times in Drew's life and I give him credit for adapting through what has been a tough situation at times. 2 years ago when we moved from the Tampa area up to Pensacola, we had full custody in order to keep Drew in the Gulf Breeze School District when his Mom lived in Pensacola with her boyfriend. This last summer, Crystal, his Mom, moved to Gulf Breeze as well and we all agreed to switch the situation to 1 week there and 1 week here. There we concerns on if this would work out, but overall it seems to go very well and smooth.
It's almost 10am and time to get ready to go, Sean's parents live about 15 minutes from us, so we'll need to head out soon.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
A year and some odd months.. what happened to 2011?
2011 came and went and I wrote nothing .................... oops. I guess all the times in 2009 and 2010 that I said I wanted to write more didn't really happen.
Truth be told I've been looking at my blog for the last 2 weeks trying to get up the motivation to write. There's a whole lot that happens when you don't write for about 18 months and there's really no way to cover it all.
A few things that have been happening / changing:
- Sean and I got married November 5, 2011, it was a beautiful wedding. The weather was perfect, we had a great time, it was wonderful to see many of our friends in family. I'll cover more details on this later.
- Sean and I both are working new jobs.
Sean is working for Hixardt as a Network Engineer and I couldn't be more proud of him. He was really worried throughout the interview process and wanted the job so badly. He of course breezed through the process with flying colors. It's a great company with tons of room for advancement. They're excited and very encouraging when it comes to furthering Sean's education so he can move up quickly within the company. Other than when I worked at SunLife, I've never seen a company so proactive in wanting to further there employees education and watch them advance.
I'm working for a company called Healthstat, Inc, who's newest client is BCBS of Florida. I work in the BCBS of Florida medical clinic as a Receptionist. I hope to advance into other things for either Healthstat, Inc or BCBS of Florida within the next year as well. It's been an exciting opportunity as the medical clinic is one of the first of it's kind. BCBS of Florida as an insurance company, is moving forward with opening several medical clinics where there 'insured' will be seen exclusively as patients of physicians that work for BCBS. It's really a great plan. Ideally it will eliminate a large amount of the confusion that can come up with patients when dealing with medical billing, referrals, procedures, and physicians. It allows for everything to be handled and managed within the same company / spectrum.
-My sister in the middle moved to Walla Walla, WA from Tucson, AZ, and had her second baby.
Another boy, named Wesley, and he's beautiful in every way. Sadly I've only gotten to see him via webcam so far. I'm hoping that a time will become available soon that I can go spend a few days with them in WA.
-Sean and I decided that we wanted to have a child of our own and start a family.
This comes with some sad news. Sean and I started trying immediately for a child after we got married. On December 16th it was confirmed that I was pregnant and we were thrilled. On December 17th, we told my family and his family the news. Everyone was of course very excited. On December 20th while at work I started to bleed and cramp heavily. On December 23rd, the information that we already knew, was officially confirmed that I had miscarried. The reason I say it was "confirmed" on this date is because you have to wait a few days to see if your hormone levels drop enough for a pregnancy test to reflect 'negative'.
To say that we were devasted is an understatement. We had a few days that were very difficult emotionally. I cried a lot. Sean was quiet and withdrawn. We were there for each other in silence as neither of us really knew what to say or how to talk about it. We cuddled, watched movies, and just stayed close to each other. We've since come to a fairly peaceful place. We know that there could've possibly been something wrong with the baby, in which case it would've been better that we lost him or her, and we know that while horrible, these things do happen. We know that we'll eventually try again, though for a short time we're going to wait.
-I'm currently off my anti-depressant medication
I mention this as it's recently started to become a real problem and challenge. I don't think I've ever even mentioned prior in my blog that I took an anti-depressant, but I have for a large portion of my life.
I started taking Celexa for my anxiety and depression when I was around 18 years old. I've gone off it a few times since then and quite honestly, within a few months, its always become a problem for me and I end up back on it. A long time ago I had to come to terms with the fact that I have some form of medical imbalance that makes this form of a medication a need for me. However, on that note, it doesn't make it easy for me to know that it's a need. Quite frankly, I hate it. Loathe it.
A few years ago a psychiatrist that I saw told me that the world does not judge those who have diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, and other illnesses that require medication; and that I shouldn't judge myself any more than I would those people. She had a point. A very valid point. I'm aware that it's societies standards and view points that have created the mindset that if you take medication an emotional medical problem, then you're extremely 'screwed up'. The problem may be emotional in nature, but guess what world, there are now tests that prove that it's a *physical* imbalance in the body that creates the problem. Now if only that little fact could make me feel completely better about having to take the medication.
Anyhow, as said above, it's started to become a problem that I'm not longer taking the medication. It's been about 8 weeks, and I'm struggling with more anxiety, mood swings, depression, and an overall inability to handle small daily life problems. I came off the medication because Sean and I wanted to try to have a baby and I simply refuse, no matter how small the risk, to stay on it while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.
Now, I can add that there have been additional problems in the last 4-6 weeks that could be contributing to the problem. The miscarriage, obviously, and other problems that I've chosen not to write about here that Sean and I have been working through. However, that being said, I know my body, and know my mind, and realize that this last week I've been feeling much more out of control --- and there isn't anything major and stressful that has happened or occurred in the last couple of weeks.
Yesterday I lost control of my emotions to a severe degree. I'm very grateful to Sean, my dear husband, for his support and love. It was by far the worst that he's ever seen me at in the almost 3 years that we've known each other. As soon as I got to a place that I was able to communicate through broken words and tears what was happening he sat with me, held me, comforted me, stroked my hair, rocked my gently, and soothed me with words of reassurance as I cried from the depth of my soul. This morning he called after leaving for work to check on me and see how I was feeling and offered words of encouragement and understanding when I explained how it had been hard for me to get up and going.
Depression comes in many forms and degrees, and the degree that I have is caused by a physical imbalance, one that I do need medication to maintain. For now until we start trying to have a baby again, we decided it would be best for me to discuss with my doctor starting to take my medication again.
I do want to add that this afternoon / evening I am feeling quite a bit better than I did yesterday and this morning. I went to work, came home and got some cleaning done, and plan to start dinner in just a few moments.
I'm setting a goal to at minimum try and write at least once a month this year. We'll see how it goes. :)
Truth be told I've been looking at my blog for the last 2 weeks trying to get up the motivation to write. There's a whole lot that happens when you don't write for about 18 months and there's really no way to cover it all.
A few things that have been happening / changing:
- Sean and I got married November 5, 2011, it was a beautiful wedding. The weather was perfect, we had a great time, it was wonderful to see many of our friends in family. I'll cover more details on this later.
- Sean and I both are working new jobs.
Sean is working for Hixardt as a Network Engineer and I couldn't be more proud of him. He was really worried throughout the interview process and wanted the job so badly. He of course breezed through the process with flying colors. It's a great company with tons of room for advancement. They're excited and very encouraging when it comes to furthering Sean's education so he can move up quickly within the company. Other than when I worked at SunLife, I've never seen a company so proactive in wanting to further there employees education and watch them advance.
I'm working for a company called Healthstat, Inc, who's newest client is BCBS of Florida. I work in the BCBS of Florida medical clinic as a Receptionist. I hope to advance into other things for either Healthstat, Inc or BCBS of Florida within the next year as well. It's been an exciting opportunity as the medical clinic is one of the first of it's kind. BCBS of Florida as an insurance company, is moving forward with opening several medical clinics where there 'insured' will be seen exclusively as patients of physicians that work for BCBS. It's really a great plan. Ideally it will eliminate a large amount of the confusion that can come up with patients when dealing with medical billing, referrals, procedures, and physicians. It allows for everything to be handled and managed within the same company / spectrum.
-My sister in the middle moved to Walla Walla, WA from Tucson, AZ, and had her second baby.
Another boy, named Wesley, and he's beautiful in every way. Sadly I've only gotten to see him via webcam so far. I'm hoping that a time will become available soon that I can go spend a few days with them in WA.
-Sean and I decided that we wanted to have a child of our own and start a family.
This comes with some sad news. Sean and I started trying immediately for a child after we got married. On December 16th it was confirmed that I was pregnant and we were thrilled. On December 17th, we told my family and his family the news. Everyone was of course very excited. On December 20th while at work I started to bleed and cramp heavily. On December 23rd, the information that we already knew, was officially confirmed that I had miscarried. The reason I say it was "confirmed" on this date is because you have to wait a few days to see if your hormone levels drop enough for a pregnancy test to reflect 'negative'.
To say that we were devasted is an understatement. We had a few days that were very difficult emotionally. I cried a lot. Sean was quiet and withdrawn. We were there for each other in silence as neither of us really knew what to say or how to talk about it. We cuddled, watched movies, and just stayed close to each other. We've since come to a fairly peaceful place. We know that there could've possibly been something wrong with the baby, in which case it would've been better that we lost him or her, and we know that while horrible, these things do happen. We know that we'll eventually try again, though for a short time we're going to wait.
-I'm currently off my anti-depressant medication
I mention this as it's recently started to become a real problem and challenge. I don't think I've ever even mentioned prior in my blog that I took an anti-depressant, but I have for a large portion of my life.
I started taking Celexa for my anxiety and depression when I was around 18 years old. I've gone off it a few times since then and quite honestly, within a few months, its always become a problem for me and I end up back on it. A long time ago I had to come to terms with the fact that I have some form of medical imbalance that makes this form of a medication a need for me. However, on that note, it doesn't make it easy for me to know that it's a need. Quite frankly, I hate it. Loathe it.
A few years ago a psychiatrist that I saw told me that the world does not judge those who have diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, and other illnesses that require medication; and that I shouldn't judge myself any more than I would those people. She had a point. A very valid point. I'm aware that it's societies standards and view points that have created the mindset that if you take medication an emotional medical problem, then you're extremely 'screwed up'. The problem may be emotional in nature, but guess what world, there are now tests that prove that it's a *physical* imbalance in the body that creates the problem. Now if only that little fact could make me feel completely better about having to take the medication.
Anyhow, as said above, it's started to become a problem that I'm not longer taking the medication. It's been about 8 weeks, and I'm struggling with more anxiety, mood swings, depression, and an overall inability to handle small daily life problems. I came off the medication because Sean and I wanted to try to have a baby and I simply refuse, no matter how small the risk, to stay on it while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.
Now, I can add that there have been additional problems in the last 4-6 weeks that could be contributing to the problem. The miscarriage, obviously, and other problems that I've chosen not to write about here that Sean and I have been working through. However, that being said, I know my body, and know my mind, and realize that this last week I've been feeling much more out of control --- and there isn't anything major and stressful that has happened or occurred in the last couple of weeks.
Yesterday I lost control of my emotions to a severe degree. I'm very grateful to Sean, my dear husband, for his support and love. It was by far the worst that he's ever seen me at in the almost 3 years that we've known each other. As soon as I got to a place that I was able to communicate through broken words and tears what was happening he sat with me, held me, comforted me, stroked my hair, rocked my gently, and soothed me with words of reassurance as I cried from the depth of my soul. This morning he called after leaving for work to check on me and see how I was feeling and offered words of encouragement and understanding when I explained how it had been hard for me to get up and going.
Depression comes in many forms and degrees, and the degree that I have is caused by a physical imbalance, one that I do need medication to maintain. For now until we start trying to have a baby again, we decided it would be best for me to discuss with my doctor starting to take my medication again.
I do want to add that this afternoon / evening I am feeling quite a bit better than I did yesterday and this morning. I went to work, came home and got some cleaning done, and plan to start dinner in just a few moments.
I'm setting a goal to at minimum try and write at least once a month this year. We'll see how it goes. :)
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