If someone has read all of my blog, or knows me, they know that I had Gastric Bypass in April 2008. My weight at the time of surgery was 278. (My highest weight had been 290 but I lost some prior to surgery). My weight about 1 year after surgery was 178. I lost exactly 100 pounds from my surgery date. My initial goal had been to reach 160, but I never fully reached that goal. I think when I hit the 100 pound mark my mind had this celebration of happiness and I just started to maintain at that weight.
Over the last 4 years I have mostly maintained that weight. I'd bounce up to 182, then back to 178, then up, then down. I was good with that.
However, something changed in the last 6 months and weight has started to sloooowly creep back on. I can probably attribute this in part to some fairly severe stress over the last few months and to some medication changes as well. Regarding meds: I've been on all kinds of hormones as Sean and I have been trying to get pregnant (unsuccessfully). Regarding stress: Well, trying unsuccessfuly to get pregnant is definitely stressful, especially since I'm about to turn 37. In addition, Sean's father passed away in a horrific accident about 9 months ago. (I haven't written about it in my blog as of yet). I was close to my father-in-law and it's left a hole in my heart to have him gone and it's been even harder on Sean and his mother. Sean and I moved back in with his mother after his father passed, which is stressful in all kinds of ways for both of us. We miss having a home. OUR home. His Mom is a wonderfully loving woman, but she's also very very overbearing. Between the stress, meds, and not watching what I eat, I regained to 192. Not horrible, but definitely losing that 'maintaining' control.
3 weeks ago I started changing my way of eating again. I started writing down everything I put in my mouth. I try to keep my calories below 1200 daily. I'm trying to get additional exercise as well and have succeeded on some weeks! This morning I was 188.2. The loss has been slow, but it's happening!
This weekend is going to be extremely challenging to stay on track. Sean and I are going to New Orleans for my birthday. This is something we've wanted to do for a couple years. We have a hotel for 2 nights and plan to enjoy ourselves to the fullest! I plan to try and watch what I'm eating, but I'm also not going to restrict myself completely. My hope is that the extreme amount of walking and maybe !dancing! will help burn off some of those extra calories I eat.
One day soon I'll come back her and write a blog specifically about my father-in-law. I've thought about it a few times, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it as of yet.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
Blissful mindful silence
In follow-up to my earlier rambling post, I wanted to write again and say that my day has improved and my 'little demons' as I'll continue to call them, have stopped their pounding.
Coming here and writing earlier helped.
Talking at length with one of my best friends, who I also call brother (because he's closer to me than a meer friend could be) helped greatly.
Sean stopping by my work and surprising me at around 2:45pm this afternoon because his 6th-husbandy-sense told him something was very off, helped emensely.
I have a clearer understanding of many things that were troubling me and with that understanding comes blissful peace and silence of my 'little demons'.
In other updates and news:
My stepson, Drew, turned 18 during the month of April. He graduated high school in December 2012. He's gotten his first job and is working at Papa Murphy's and has set a goal for himself to be driving his car by mid-June. I'm so proud of who he is and the young man I've seen him become over the last 4 years. The love I have for this young man is impossible to express in words. We've had our moments, we've had our frustrations, but I think especially in the last year or so I've come to love him in a way that I can best describe as the love others have expressed for their own sons that are blood. I would love him no differently than if he was my blood. He is my family and my son; as he's the son of his father and mother.
He's one of the most emotional, affectionate, and intelligent 18 year olds I've ever met in my life. He gives me a hug goodnight every evening he's with us and never fails to tell his Dad and I that he loves us before he disappears to his room. He expresses his appreciation for the things we do, whether it be large or small. In the last few months he's learned better communication and has learned to express his anger and frustration in healthy ways, speaking to his Dad and I about it when he needs to. He's become an amazing part of my world and I can't ever imagine not having him as part of my life.
Sean and I are preparing for some big changes and the last line about Drew is going to be the hardest part of the changes to come. We're currently looking for work in the Boston, MA area and once found, we'll be moving their fairly quickly. The hardest part of this is of course leaving Drew behind. We tell him weekly that he can come with us, and after we go there will always *always* be a ticket waiting for him if he feels the need for a change and wants to move as well.
We have a few reasons for moving. The move itself is because we desperately need a change. Sean has been in Pensacola the majority of his life and he wants out, badly. It's a small town and it has a lot of history and memories, some of those memories are wonderful and may even eventually draw us back here, but many of them we want to get away from. He wants to experience a bigger city and a different culture. We both feel that there's zero room for growth in our careers here in Pensacola, it's just too small.
We looked at two areas when we decided we were going to move. Parts of Washington and parts of Massachusetts. The reason that we chose MA is where the other reason for the move comes in. That reason is fertility treatment and the fact that MA is one of the few states in the USA that provides coverage for fertility treatment in their medical coverage. Sean and I have been trying to get pregnant for about a year now. During that year we've done a total of 6 cycles of a fertility medication called Clomid, ranging from 50mg to 150mg. I also had surgery a few months ago, for my endometrosis, and we were told at that time that 1 of my fallopian tubes was either kinked or blocked. The cycles of Clomid in addition to blood tests have told us that I'm not ovulating regularly. It's actually in fact, quite the opposite. I ovulated twice in the 6 cycles of fertility treatments and don't appear to be at all without some extra hormonal help (the Clomid). Without getting into all the specifics, after 3 or 6 cycles of Clomid, you really have to stop. It can start causing other problems as it throws the body all out of whack. Clomid was a very inexpensive, low on the chain, form of fertility treatment and really only cost us about $40 per cycle. It was definitely worth a shot, however, it didn't work for us. SO ..... very long story short, we're working on moving to MA so we can undergo other much more expensive options of fertility to try and have a baby we so dearly would like to have.
While neither Sean nor I have the desire to continue moving multiple times, we both feel that MA isn't going to be our last stop. Right now the tenative plan is to eventually move to back to Washington state, my original home. We'll be close to my family and it has a lot of what we want in regards to the weather, seasons, and property near larger cities. This of course will depend on what MA has in store for us, if things change for his mother here in FL, or for my family in WA - it's all subject to change.
We learned very quickly how fast things can change in the blink of an eye this year, so we know that even the best laid plans, could be uprooted in a second. However, we have a plan and a goal and are working towards it.
Coming here and writing earlier helped.
Talking at length with one of my best friends, who I also call brother (because he's closer to me than a meer friend could be) helped greatly.
Sean stopping by my work and surprising me at around 2:45pm this afternoon because his 6th-husbandy-sense told him something was very off, helped emensely.
I have a clearer understanding of many things that were troubling me and with that understanding comes blissful peace and silence of my 'little demons'.
In other updates and news:
My stepson, Drew, turned 18 during the month of April. He graduated high school in December 2012. He's gotten his first job and is working at Papa Murphy's and has set a goal for himself to be driving his car by mid-June. I'm so proud of who he is and the young man I've seen him become over the last 4 years. The love I have for this young man is impossible to express in words. We've had our moments, we've had our frustrations, but I think especially in the last year or so I've come to love him in a way that I can best describe as the love others have expressed for their own sons that are blood. I would love him no differently than if he was my blood. He is my family and my son; as he's the son of his father and mother.
He's one of the most emotional, affectionate, and intelligent 18 year olds I've ever met in my life. He gives me a hug goodnight every evening he's with us and never fails to tell his Dad and I that he loves us before he disappears to his room. He expresses his appreciation for the things we do, whether it be large or small. In the last few months he's learned better communication and has learned to express his anger and frustration in healthy ways, speaking to his Dad and I about it when he needs to. He's become an amazing part of my world and I can't ever imagine not having him as part of my life.
Sean and I are preparing for some big changes and the last line about Drew is going to be the hardest part of the changes to come. We're currently looking for work in the Boston, MA area and once found, we'll be moving their fairly quickly. The hardest part of this is of course leaving Drew behind. We tell him weekly that he can come with us, and after we go there will always *always* be a ticket waiting for him if he feels the need for a change and wants to move as well.
We have a few reasons for moving. The move itself is because we desperately need a change. Sean has been in Pensacola the majority of his life and he wants out, badly. It's a small town and it has a lot of history and memories, some of those memories are wonderful and may even eventually draw us back here, but many of them we want to get away from. He wants to experience a bigger city and a different culture. We both feel that there's zero room for growth in our careers here in Pensacola, it's just too small.
We looked at two areas when we decided we were going to move. Parts of Washington and parts of Massachusetts. The reason that we chose MA is where the other reason for the move comes in. That reason is fertility treatment and the fact that MA is one of the few states in the USA that provides coverage for fertility treatment in their medical coverage. Sean and I have been trying to get pregnant for about a year now. During that year we've done a total of 6 cycles of a fertility medication called Clomid, ranging from 50mg to 150mg. I also had surgery a few months ago, for my endometrosis, and we were told at that time that 1 of my fallopian tubes was either kinked or blocked. The cycles of Clomid in addition to blood tests have told us that I'm not ovulating regularly. It's actually in fact, quite the opposite. I ovulated twice in the 6 cycles of fertility treatments and don't appear to be at all without some extra hormonal help (the Clomid). Without getting into all the specifics, after 3 or 6 cycles of Clomid, you really have to stop. It can start causing other problems as it throws the body all out of whack. Clomid was a very inexpensive, low on the chain, form of fertility treatment and really only cost us about $40 per cycle. It was definitely worth a shot, however, it didn't work for us. SO ..... very long story short, we're working on moving to MA so we can undergo other much more expensive options of fertility to try and have a baby we so dearly would like to have.
While neither Sean nor I have the desire to continue moving multiple times, we both feel that MA isn't going to be our last stop. Right now the tenative plan is to eventually move to back to Washington state, my original home. We'll be close to my family and it has a lot of what we want in regards to the weather, seasons, and property near larger cities. This of course will depend on what MA has in store for us, if things change for his mother here in FL, or for my family in WA - it's all subject to change.
We learned very quickly how fast things can change in the blink of an eye this year, so we know that even the best laid plans, could be uprooted in a second. However, we have a plan and a goal and are working towards it.
Demons
There are mornings, days, evenings, nights that I'm fairly convinced that there are demons inside my head, beating against the inner walls of my skull, demanding to get out. I feel that this may be one of the better descriptions I can give of the 'mental illness' that I have. I hate using the term 'mental illness' or any other form of the phrase. When I hear the term it makes me cringe inwardly because it makes it sound as if I'm deranged, completely unbalanced, skitzo, unable to handle life, belong in a mental institute, etc. If you tell someone that you have a 'mental illness', in most cases you can generally see something change in their demeanor. That change can at times be a look of pity, a look of concern, maybe even a hint of fear. It's not always there, but it is enough to be frustrating and bothersome. There are days even my own husband has one of those 'looks' when I'm having a difficult day. It's not the general publics fault and it's not the fault of my husband or other loved ones either; I believe it's a natural reaction.
Today the inner demons are battering the inside of my skull with their tiny fists made of diamonds and steel. This morning it's been harder to fend off the desire to let them spew from mouth and my pores as anger and tension. I'm at work and it's a bad place to be when I feel like this, but it isn't the first time.
I need to keep breathing, keeping going, and keep hoping and even praying that this day and my ability to fight takes a turn for the better.
Today the inner demons are battering the inside of my skull with their tiny fists made of diamonds and steel. This morning it's been harder to fend off the desire to let them spew from mouth and my pores as anger and tension. I'm at work and it's a bad place to be when I feel like this, but it isn't the first time.
I need to keep breathing, keeping going, and keep hoping and even praying that this day and my ability to fight takes a turn for the better.
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