Blah

I have been so crappy about writing. I don't feel like writing now, so I'm just making a short entry to say, I need to write, I should write, but alas ... I still don't feel like it.

Things I should write about:
January 23rd - Dave's birthday, I took him deep sea fishing.
January 25th - My first competition with Rebel, I got 2 third place ribbons.

I have some great pics of both events. I have good stories from both events.

I need to post the pics and write. I will soon.

Friday Fill-ins Meme #106

Bold is what I was given to start with. The writing that is not in bold is what I wrote.

1. It's January; and it's 75 degrees outside. Culture shock!!!

2. Cuddles is what I crave most right now. I'm super cuddly when I don't feel well.

3. Cork and wine go together like cannolis and cream.

4. Water is so nourishing. I hate drinking it without some kind of non-calorie flavor though.

5. Let us dare to be bare! Being naked rocks!

6. I'm still getting used to this new place that is now called my home.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing Rebel, tomorrow my plans include spending some time with the boys and then going to an event in the evening, and Sunday, I want to grocery shop and then relax! Lazy day!

Feeling halfway normal

This horrible flu I've had seems to finally be letting up. There were a few days that I felt like I was practically on deaths door. Twice during the last week I felt some slight fear when Dave had to go to work and I was home alone. Between, exhaustion, dizziness, the inability to eat or drink for several hours at a time - I was honestly slightly concerned. I kept my cellphone close by for emergency each time I moved (even to go to the bathroom) and it all worked out in the end. I still need to take at least one nap during the day, but for the most part, the bone weary dead exhaustion seems to have left. I'm still waiting on my labs, which were drawn on Tuesday, and supposed to be rushed. (?!?!!?!?!) Perhaps I don't understand how it works, but it doesn't seem like a rush to me. I'll probably try to call the Dr's office again today to see if there's any update.

I plan to go out and see Rebel tonight for the first time in 8 days, I'm super excited. I probably won't ride, or if I do it'll be very limited. I don't want to push it. I'm just excited to see his big hairy furry soft self and snuggle into his neck. :)

I've decided that I need to start posting more pictures on my blog. I've gotten a bit of feedback in this regard. I'd also like to find a way to have more blogger friends. Currently I don't have anyone that I really share comments with or visit regularly. I also don't know if someone visits my blog regularly. If there's someone out there and you come here often --- shoot me a comment and let me know! I'd love to know that I have a follower! :)

Drumming

I've been sleeping a lot recently, mostly because I seem to have some kind of severe flu. The last two days I've slept about 16-18 hours out of a 24 hour day. Dreadful. I did see a Dr today that ran a bunch of blood tests - hopefully this is just the flu, but if not, we'll at least be able to address it quickly. I don't think it's anything major.

Anyways.. onto drumming.. tonight, as Dave and I were falling asleep very early (around 8pm) my mind was wandering a bit and sleep was hard to come by even though I felt exhausted. Then, I started hearing this noise, it sounded like, drumming ... what the? Dave was partially still awake and I said, "is that drums?", I received a very insightful, "ughhh, nuu.. hmm.. yuuuh, thik so". I listened awhile longer and was delighted to realize, yes! .. it was drumming! Not someone with a drum set drumming, but a few people drumming with singular (dumbek) drums and to a rythme that was obvoiusly drum circle drumming! I have a lot of friends on here that are in the SCA that know exactly what I'm referring to, and several other friends that probably have a good idea as well. I don't know where they came from, where they were, or why they were playing - but it brought a peace and happiness to my soul a few hours ago that helped me drift into a beautiful sleep. (to bad the sleep only lasted for 3 hours, lol).

Drumming automatically brings me memories of my favorite event each year, Gulf Wars. It's a week of pure happiness to me. It brings me happy memories of my SCA Family who I see so infrequently, but adore and love all the same. It brings wonderful memories of falling asleep every night to the sound of rythmic drumming.

It's difficult and somewhat impossible to explain to someone who hasn't experienced an event. I'll just say, it was a perfect few moments tonight before I drifted to sleep.

Just breathe

Breathe a sigh of relief. Breathe in the New Year. "Just Breathe", that short sentence is one that runs through my mind fairly often. It's one that's made the difference between completely losing it and making it through a few more minutes or a few more hours. A good friend told me long ago that when life is too overwhelming, it seems you have no strength left, you've hit rock bottom, or you feel it just isn't worth it anymore, to remember one thing - all you have to do is keep breathing. Just breathe. In and out.

2008 was a hard year for me, I can easily say 1000 times over that I'm glad 2008 is over. It's odd how we associate new beginnings with a new year isn't it? When it's truly just additional days added on top of each other. Yet, I'll stick with the belief that a new year brings new things. I had a lot of rough spots in 2008, my marriage had a lot of struggles, and I went through a lot of emotional and physical changes. For those who don't know me well, I hate hate hate change. I don't deal with it well.

2009 starts with me continuing on in what still feels like a new place and new life here in Florida. One of the biggest struggles I've had down here is missing my friends from Boston and longing for a close friendship. I've made several great aquantinces so far and I appreciate all of them - but good friends take a lot of time - or it takes a special link that causes a bond between two people quickly. I long for it. I cry for it. In the meantime I have had my horse, my dear Rebel to take my time and keep me busy. Horses are great, but depression has been slowly seeping back into my life and getting worse. So, I will take action and if I need to, beat the hell of out depression to make it get back into control. I'm going to continue spending time with my horse and horse friends, I'm going to setup a PCP to make sure I'm taking good care of myself, I'm going to become involved with the SCA down in Florida where I believe both Dave and I can find some like minded people. I'm not going to lounge around all day in only PJ's. I have set the goals and I'm going to continue to reach for them.

Another continued change in 2009 will be my weight. It's still coming off at an average of about 6 pounds a month, give or take a couple. I'm not sure I wrote about it, but about 3 weeks ago I dropped below 200 pounds. It was amazing. It is the first time in my adult life I've been below 200 pounds. Yet it also created some tension for a few weeks, I was SO scared that I was going to gain a couple of pounds and see the scale read 201 again. Deep down I knew even if I did, it would be a fluxuation and I'd be below 200 again; but having finally made it below and the possibility of going over again really did freak me out. I waited a couple of weeks, then weighed again. I went from 198.6 to 196.6. Whew! .. but as silly as it was, I was still tense. Well, Happy New Year to me, on 1/2/09 I weighed again and it was 194.8. I didn't know until I got on the scale that being below 195 would make me breathe a sigh of relief, but it certainly did. Being over 200 didn't seem like it would happen anymore. Now, don't get me wrong, I fully understand and believe that if I don't continue my new way of living with food, it's very possible to be over 200 again. However, I truly have the belief and determination to not let that happen. Ever, again.

It's late at night, just after midnight to be exact and I haven't been feeling to well recently. I've slept a lot today which is why I've stayed up so late. I'm unsure if I'll make it into work tomorrow to be honest, so I'm going to head to bed.

Hooray for a New Year, bring it on 2009.