2011 came and went and I wrote nothing .................... oops. I guess all the times in 2009 and 2010 that I said I wanted to write more didn't really happen.
Truth be told I've been looking at my blog for the last 2 weeks trying to get up the motivation to write. There's a whole lot that happens when you don't write for about 18 months and there's really no way to cover it all.
A few things that have been happening / changing:
- Sean and I got married November 5, 2011, it was a beautiful wedding. The weather was perfect, we had a great time, it was wonderful to see many of our friends in family. I'll cover more details on this later.
- Sean and I both are working new jobs.
Sean is working for Hixardt as a Network Engineer and I couldn't be more proud of him. He was really worried throughout the interview process and wanted the job so badly. He of course breezed through the process with flying colors. It's a great company with tons of room for advancement. They're excited and very encouraging when it comes to furthering Sean's education so he can move up quickly within the company. Other than when I worked at SunLife, I've never seen a company so proactive in wanting to further there employees education and watch them advance.
I'm working for a company called Healthstat, Inc, who's newest client is BCBS of Florida. I work in the BCBS of Florida medical clinic as a Receptionist. I hope to advance into other things for either Healthstat, Inc or BCBS of Florida within the next year as well. It's been an exciting opportunity as the medical clinic is one of the first of it's kind. BCBS of Florida as an insurance company, is moving forward with opening several medical clinics where there 'insured' will be seen exclusively as patients of physicians that work for BCBS. It's really a great plan. Ideally it will eliminate a large amount of the confusion that can come up with patients when dealing with medical billing, referrals, procedures, and physicians. It allows for everything to be handled and managed within the same company / spectrum.
-My sister in the middle moved to Walla Walla, WA from Tucson, AZ, and had her second baby.
Another boy, named Wesley, and he's beautiful in every way. Sadly I've only gotten to see him via webcam so far. I'm hoping that a time will become available soon that I can go spend a few days with them in WA.
-Sean and I decided that we wanted to have a child of our own and start a family.
This comes with some sad news. Sean and I started trying immediately for a child after we got married. On December 16th it was confirmed that I was pregnant and we were thrilled. On December 17th, we told my family and his family the news. Everyone was of course very excited. On December 20th while at work I started to bleed and cramp heavily. On December 23rd, the information that we already knew, was officially confirmed that I had miscarried. The reason I say it was "confirmed" on this date is because you have to wait a few days to see if your hormone levels drop enough for a pregnancy test to reflect 'negative'.
To say that we were devasted is an understatement. We had a few days that were very difficult emotionally. I cried a lot. Sean was quiet and withdrawn. We were there for each other in silence as neither of us really knew what to say or how to talk about it. We cuddled, watched movies, and just stayed close to each other. We've since come to a fairly peaceful place. We know that there could've possibly been something wrong with the baby, in which case it would've been better that we lost him or her, and we know that while horrible, these things do happen. We know that we'll eventually try again, though for a short time we're going to wait.
-I'm currently off my anti-depressant medication
I mention this as it's recently started to become a real problem and challenge. I don't think I've ever even mentioned prior in my blog that I took an anti-depressant, but I have for a large portion of my life.
I started taking Celexa for my anxiety and depression when I was around 18 years old. I've gone off it a few times since then and quite honestly, within a few months, its always become a problem for me and I end up back on it. A long time ago I had to come to terms with the fact that I have some form of medical imbalance that makes this form of a medication a need for me. However, on that note, it doesn't make it easy for me to know that it's a need. Quite frankly, I hate it. Loathe it.
A few years ago a psychiatrist that I saw told me that the world does not judge those who have diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, and other illnesses that require medication; and that I shouldn't judge myself any more than I would those people. She had a point. A very valid point. I'm aware that it's societies standards and view points that have created the mindset that if you take medication an emotional medical problem, then you're extremely 'screwed up'. The problem may be emotional in nature, but guess what world, there are now tests that prove that it's a *physical* imbalance in the body that creates the problem. Now if only that little fact could make me feel completely better about having to take the medication.
Anyhow, as said above, it's started to become a problem that I'm not longer taking the medication. It's been about 8 weeks, and I'm struggling with more anxiety, mood swings, depression, and an overall inability to handle small daily life problems. I came off the medication because Sean and I wanted to try to have a baby and I simply refuse, no matter how small the risk, to stay on it while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.
Now, I can add that there have been additional problems in the last 4-6 weeks that could be contributing to the problem. The miscarriage, obviously, and other problems that I've chosen not to write about here that Sean and I have been working through. However, that being said, I know my body, and know my mind, and realize that this last week I've been feeling much more out of control --- and there isn't anything major and stressful that has happened or occurred in the last couple of weeks.
Yesterday I lost control of my emotions to a severe degree. I'm very grateful to Sean, my dear husband, for his support and love. It was by far the worst that he's ever seen me at in the almost 3 years that we've known each other. As soon as I got to a place that I was able to communicate through broken words and tears what was happening he sat with me, held me, comforted me, stroked my hair, rocked my gently, and soothed me with words of reassurance as I cried from the depth of my soul. This morning he called after leaving for work to check on me and see how I was feeling and offered words of encouragement and understanding when I explained how it had been hard for me to get up and going.
Depression comes in many forms and degrees, and the degree that I have is caused by a physical imbalance, one that I do need medication to maintain. For now until we start trying to have a baby again, we decided it would be best for me to discuss with my doctor starting to take my medication again.
I do want to add that this afternoon / evening I am feeling quite a bit better than I did yesterday and this morning. I went to work, came home and got some cleaning done, and plan to start dinner in just a few moments.
I'm setting a goal to at minimum try and write at least once a month this year. We'll see how it goes. :)
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