Just breathe

Breathe a sigh of relief. Breathe in the New Year. "Just Breathe", that short sentence is one that runs through my mind fairly often. It's one that's made the difference between completely losing it and making it through a few more minutes or a few more hours. A good friend told me long ago that when life is too overwhelming, it seems you have no strength left, you've hit rock bottom, or you feel it just isn't worth it anymore, to remember one thing - all you have to do is keep breathing. Just breathe. In and out.

2008 was a hard year for me, I can easily say 1000 times over that I'm glad 2008 is over. It's odd how we associate new beginnings with a new year isn't it? When it's truly just additional days added on top of each other. Yet, I'll stick with the belief that a new year brings new things. I had a lot of rough spots in 2008, my marriage had a lot of struggles, and I went through a lot of emotional and physical changes. For those who don't know me well, I hate hate hate change. I don't deal with it well.

2009 starts with me continuing on in what still feels like a new place and new life here in Florida. One of the biggest struggles I've had down here is missing my friends from Boston and longing for a close friendship. I've made several great aquantinces so far and I appreciate all of them - but good friends take a lot of time - or it takes a special link that causes a bond between two people quickly. I long for it. I cry for it. In the meantime I have had my horse, my dear Rebel to take my time and keep me busy. Horses are great, but depression has been slowly seeping back into my life and getting worse. So, I will take action and if I need to, beat the hell of out depression to make it get back into control. I'm going to continue spending time with my horse and horse friends, I'm going to setup a PCP to make sure I'm taking good care of myself, I'm going to become involved with the SCA down in Florida where I believe both Dave and I can find some like minded people. I'm not going to lounge around all day in only PJ's. I have set the goals and I'm going to continue to reach for them.

Another continued change in 2009 will be my weight. It's still coming off at an average of about 6 pounds a month, give or take a couple. I'm not sure I wrote about it, but about 3 weeks ago I dropped below 200 pounds. It was amazing. It is the first time in my adult life I've been below 200 pounds. Yet it also created some tension for a few weeks, I was SO scared that I was going to gain a couple of pounds and see the scale read 201 again. Deep down I knew even if I did, it would be a fluxuation and I'd be below 200 again; but having finally made it below and the possibility of going over again really did freak me out. I waited a couple of weeks, then weighed again. I went from 198.6 to 196.6. Whew! .. but as silly as it was, I was still tense. Well, Happy New Year to me, on 1/2/09 I weighed again and it was 194.8. I didn't know until I got on the scale that being below 195 would make me breathe a sigh of relief, but it certainly did. Being over 200 didn't seem like it would happen anymore. Now, don't get me wrong, I fully understand and believe that if I don't continue my new way of living with food, it's very possible to be over 200 again. However, I truly have the belief and determination to not let that happen. Ever, again.

It's late at night, just after midnight to be exact and I haven't been feeling to well recently. I've slept a lot today which is why I've stayed up so late. I'm unsure if I'll make it into work tomorrow to be honest, so I'm going to head to bed.

Hooray for a New Year, bring it on 2009.