ARRGGGHH!!!

I think this blog is going to be my source of rants over the next several weeks. For all those who are reading my ongoing blog, please don't think that I'm this angry, upset, pissed off, at life all the time. This is just a VERY stressful VERY emotional time for me.

Top 8 Things Pissing me the Fuck Off right now:
1) The move - let's just say #1 is the move!
2) The packing - nuff said.
3) My husband procrastinating.
4) My husband needing reminders for everything
5) Discovering 2 wonderful friends to late - I'm leaving!!!
6) Work - I love my job, I really really do, but this week has been HELL.
7) My therapist knowing me all to well and being right.
8) Not being able to see my therapist of 3 years anymore in 3 week.

Since we're doing that, why not do the 8 Things that make me Remotely Happy at the Moment:
1) Barbara and Meghan - the thoughts of leaving you two makes me want to cry.
2) Work - I love my team. How am I going to get by without you there to lift me up with your silly dances and big goofy smiles when it's a stress filled day?
3) Husband - for cuddles when I need them.
4) The huge bowl of ice cream I'm eating right now. (No Sugar Added Edy's)
5) The Angry Pharmacist (found through L's blog), for making me laugh tonight.
6) My Therapist - for knowing what I need and what needs to be said to make me think a bit better. Even when I don't like hearing it.
7) My family - for calling me, talking to me, lending advice.
8) My snakes - they always make me happy. They're my reptiloves.

Surprisingly writing that stuff out actually helped. Shock of all shockers. I've wanted to have a good cry for over a week now. The tears won't come. Can my body really withstanding holding this back? In 2 weeks when I have my last day in the office I know as well as everyone else that I'm going to completely break down. I had to emotionally/physically restrain myself from doing so when my boss and I talked about it last week. He asked how to move was coming, I looked up and him in all innocence and said, "not to well right now - I don't want to go", then proceeded to tear up, turn my head, and not speak so I didn't completely break down. He offered a few words of encouragement as a good boss who's known you for 5 years can do and moved on. The words and the moving along were both appreciated. The next day he sent an appreciation email about me to the team expressing how much he appreciated what I've taken on recently on top of my standard duties. I proceeded to quickly get up and go for a walk outside. Sure - I can cry like a baby while I'm at work but not at home? What the hell? One place I can't for work ethic reasons, the other place I can't physically.

I tried to sleep without medication last night. BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!! WRONG ANSWER!!! I slept like hell. There's a huge part of me that doesn't want to take the medication again tonight. I hate, loathe, and detest feeling reliant on a medication. Especially one that has instant reactions. I know it sounds ridiculous, but its the way I feel about it. I'm the same way about pain meds most of the time. (migraines are a huge exception - I'll take anything in that case).

After speaking with Meghan the other day I think overall right now I just feel like I'm taking on way to much. I think about what has to be done in the next 3 weeks and a literally, actual physical literally feeling nauseated. :( I have to say goodbye to friends, I have to packup at work, I have to packup at home, I need to talk to the utility companies in FL again, I need to talk and meet the movers, I need to make sure the house is completely ready to go, I need to finish planning our 'going away party' that I decided to host this Saturday (am I nuts!?!), I need to make sure we have help getting things down from storage, I need to visit a couple of friends 1 last time for now. Not to mention everything that must be done once getting to Florida. Dave needs to see specialists, find a job, arrange visitation with the boys, work out custody plans -- of course this all means that I'll be arranging for all of that to be done. I need to set up a home office, unpack, get the house organized, look for some form of furniture, and try not have a complete nervous breakdown. Nancy (therapist) agrees with Meghan, I'm trying to take on to much. My response -- who the hell else is going to do it!??! It has to be done. It all has to be done. AND .. even if I try to delegate some of it, I'll cause as much stress to myself worrying if its being done right.

If life is a class, I'm currently getting an "A" for effort but an "F" for feeling like the world is falling and failing around me.